Well, here we are. After months of making fun of the slight imperfections of trained, successful athletes, we come to the final voting bloc in round 1 of Ugly Bowl voting. Last week, Hodor gave Matt Schaub a run for his money, but after coming out of the gate hot, Andrew Luck was unable to sustain his pace and Matt Schaub cruised to the second round. Oh, and Chad Henne lost to Chris Johnson, who I still think is going to, like, detach from the ceiling and bite me in the forearm when I let my guard down so I’ve been sleeping with the light on since last week.
Anyway. On to the AFC West. First up, we have Andre Caldwell, representing the Denver Broncos.
Now obviously, this is not an ugly man. Until you look at him again. Into those eyes. Those gigantic, wonderful, terrible eyes. I started staring into them and before I knew it, three days had passedI had been evicted for not paying rent on time. And that shit’s scary. He’s up against Sean McGrath, of the Chiefs. Here’s what he looks like without a beard.
And here’s what he looks like with one.
Representing the San Diego Chargers in our next matchup, we have Danny Woodhead, who brings grit, hustle, scrappiness, and a humble attitude to the ’13 Ugly Bowl. More importantly, he also brought his stupid, doofy fucking face.
He’s matched up with Sebastian Janikowski, who pretty much took a spot in the Bowl simply because he looks just as scary, if not scarier, than most of the Raiders fans that root for him.
We’ll start the second round of voting next week, but until then, the question remains:
I want more like this!
Follow Kissing Suzy Kolber on Facebook and get the latest NFL news and humor before everyone else.