Science and common sense, but it is nice to have science on your side.
The New York Post (obviously the Times was busy dealing with Brooks’ weed problem) put a few Cornell chemistry professors to the test and asked them how long it will take for beer to freeze in the the minus-5 degree to minus-20 degree temperatures predicted for kickoff. Their results based on sticking a beer outside of a window in zero degree weather? About an hour. Science!
Don’t think your beer drinking strategy is safe if your plan is to buy it in the stadium and guzzle it down the sixty minutes before it freezes. Back in early December the soda and beer taps froze at Lambeau Field during a game against the Falcons when it was a balmy 9 degrees with -1 wind chill.
So how do you keep your beer warm enough to drink but not so warm you’re British? Some suggestions:
- Make beer koozies out of hand warmers.
- Tits and pits. Ladies, a bra makes a nice beer holder. If you are blessed, you might even be able to keep a couple of beers warm at a time. Gentlemen, your armpits are one of the warmest parts of your body. Store a bottle or two between your hoodie and your parka.
- Whiskey stones. You know how someone bought you some whiskey stones to keep your scotch cold? Warm a few of those up on your car’s engine block while tailgating and toss them into your cup.
- Give your extra ticket to Human Torch, ask him to hold your beer. (This only works if Pyro isn’t at the game, because he’d probably manipulate Torch into giving him your beer. Odds are Pyro is an Eagles fan anyway, so the risk is minimal.)
- Uranium pellets. Not really sure how they work or how to produce energy without ending up on a watch list of sorts, but how hard can it be to find a shady arms dealer to help you out? According to the Tom Clancy books I’ve read, those guys are everywhere.
- Heating pad and a very long extension cord. Tell security Aunt Flo is in town and you have cramps if they give you a hard time.
- Coleman makes a portable water heater. Use it for beer. It’s not like Coors Light is going to taste any worse after being warmed.
- Kitchen torch. Not like you’ve ever used it to make creme brulees like you said you would on your wedding registry.
- Stay the fuck home. No amount of football is worth getting frostbite.
I want more like this!
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