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*Ring ring ring*

“AND THEN, IF YOU CAN BELIEVE IT, THEY TRADED TRENT WITHOUT EVEN TELLING ME ABOUT IT.”

“Hello…? Um, yes. My name is James and I am calling on behalf of the Pew Research Center. Do you have time to answer a few questions?”

“Listen James, you sound like a nice man. No matter what ever happens in your life, do not take a job in Cleveland. Oh, they will say your input is valuable, that they hired you for a long term rebuilding… ”

“Yes, sir. But I am calling from the Pew Research Center and I’d like to ask you a few questions about your views on subsurface agricultural products.”

“That no good, thief Jimmy…”

*click”*

*Ring ring ring*

“I SAID, THAT NO GOOD, THIEF JIMMY HASLAM SCREWED THE TEAM BEFORE I EVER GOT THERE. DO YOU THINK THE FBI SHOWING UP… ”

“Mr. Chudzinski, this Dave down at the repair center. I think I found what was going on with the transmission on your wife’s car, but it’s going to take another day before we can get her back to you. Can you pick her up tomorrow?”

“Mike Lombardi, you just cannot trust him. He had his eyes on McDaniels this whole time, but I showed him. I made sure old Joshy boy knew that he was going to be stabbed in the back the second he got off the plane…”

“So just so we’re clear here, Mr. Chudzinski. You’re fine with leaving both your wife and her car with me overnight?”

“Cars? You know we were just five bad breaks from going 9-7? 9-7 and 9-7! Could have made the playoffs!”

*click*

*Ring ring ring*

“I SAID WE COULD HAVE MADE THE PLAYOFFS. ONLY LOST TO THE PATS BY ONE, COULD HAVE TAKEN OUT THE RAVENS TWICE, THAT JAGS LOSS WAS SO CLOSE IT SHOULDN’T BE HELD AGAINST ME — SAME WITH THE BEARS — AND THEN WE COULD HAVE SPOILED THE CHIEFS PERFECT SEASON SOONER IF DEVONE BESS HADN’T CAUGHT THE DROPSIES. BET MY BOTTOM DOLLAR BANNER GAVE HIM THE SIGNAL TO LET THAT BALL GO, JUST TO FUCK WITH ME.”

“Oh dear. Hello, Mr. Chudzinski? This is Ms. Higgins at Westlake Preschool. I’m afraid little Margaret has a tummy ache and wasn’t able to rest during nap time.”

“I’ll tell you who won’t rest, Ms. Higgins. This man, Rob Chudzinski. No one makes a fool out of Chud. Not that mealy-mouthed, double-talking Southerner Jimmy Haslam, not that slickster Mike Lombardi, and not for goddamn certain a staff that stuck me with Norv goddamn Turner. You want a tummy ache? Do you know what sort of ulcers form when you look over at Norv and you have to stare at his blank, raggity face and know you cannot punch it on national television?”

“Well we encourage the kids at Westlake to talk about their differences and not hit each other, Mr. Chudzinski.”

“WELL THEN WHY NOT GO TAKE THE BROWNS JOB THEN, MS. HIGGINS. THAT SORT OF SOFT ATTITUDE WILL GO FAR THERE. ”

“Maybe I can find Mrs. Chudzinski…”

*click*

*Ring ring ring*

“JUST PUNCH HIM RIGHT ON TV, THAT’S ALL I WANTED TO DO ALL SEASON. OF COURSE NO HEAD COACH WAS GOING TO SUCCEED WITH THE QUARTERBACK INJURIES I HAD THIS YEAR. SO HELP ME GOD, IF VINCE LOMBARDI HAD COME DOWN FROM HEAVEN HIMSELF, HE WOULD HAVE SAID ‘NOPE’ AND WOULD HAVE POUNDED ON THE PEARLY GATES BEGGING TO BE LET BACK IN.”

*click*

*Ring ring ring*

“YOU KNOW HOW BAD IT WAS…”

*click*

*Ring ring ring*

“WE SIGNED CALEB HANIE AT ONE POINT…”

*click*

*Ring ring ring*

“…LIKE THAT WAS MY FAULT.”