Mark Sanchez: [Stares at TV above his locker.] Will you just look at those two chuckle heads? Peyton’s “Omaha” this and “Omaha” that? Have you even had an Omaha Steak, Shonn?

Shonn Greene’s Empty Locker:

Mark Sanchez: Don’t even know why the wrap bacon around them. You either get a nice rare steak with gummy bacon or crispy bacon and a dry steak.

Shonn Greene’s Empty Locker:

Mark Sanchez: I know, right? People shouldn’t have to make that sort of choice. Brady saying he’s the underdog. Don’t act like we don’t both play in the same division as Tannenhill and the flavor of the week in Buffalo.

Geno Smith: [Sitting next to a pile of boxes just outside of Shonn Greene’s Empty Locker] You know, EJ Manuel could really have a breakout second season with the Bills. Did you ever watch the tape of him at Florida State?

Mark Sanchez: When are you ever going to get a locker?

Geno Smith: I have a locker, but you keep talking to Shonn like he’s here, so whatever man. If this is what gives you stability in your ride, I’m cool. But that’s why Manuel will probably thrive next season. He’s not learning a new system. Hackett is staying with the team and they’re thinking of bringing in Alex Van Pelt as a QB coach and he knows Hackett’s schemes. These are all things that help a quarterback, Mark. Consistency. That’s why I don’t move into my locker. You need to talk to Shonn, you talk to Shonn. Consistency.

Mark Sanchez: [Glumly] I don’t think we have consistency.

Geno Smith: Well, no. Not this season. You were hurt. I started. Woody said Rex had the one year left on his contract. That doesn’t help make a team feel very stable, does it?

Mark Sanchez: [Now stroking Shonn Green's Empty Locker] No.

(DOOR FLIES OPEN)

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Rex Ryan: HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING BOYS! MAN, ARE YOU A COUPLE OF SAD LOOKING, EMO ASSHOLES. WHAT HAPPEN, YOU TWO EMO LOOKING SAD SACKS GO TO A POETRY READING LAST NIGHT?

Geno Smith: Coach Ryan! Your language! What about the New York Jets Media Bridge? We’re supposed to be polite.

Rex Ryan: THE FUCK ABOUT BEING POLITE, I JUST GOT A MULTI YEAR CONTRACT EXTENSION.  I BURNED THOSE MEDIA CARDS IN FRONT OF THE PR WONK’S FACE AND FARTED ON THE FLAME AT THE SAME TIME SO HE KNEW I WAS SERIOUS. I’M HERE AND WE’RE GOING OUT TO FIND THE FINEST IMPORTED FOR THE SUPER BOWL ESCORTS FOR YOU TWO TONIGHT. OR BETTER YET FOR YOU TWO SAD LOOKING EMOS, TWO NYU GIRLS WORKING THEIR WAY THROUGH ART SCHOOL. THOSE VILLAGE VOICE ADS MIGHT SAY NUDE MODELING, BUT THEY’RE NUDE MODELING ON YOUR NUDE MODELING LAP. SPEAKING OF WHICH, GENO, WAY TO FAVRE IT UP. WE ALL KNEW YOU WERE A TRUE JETS COCKSMAN THROUGH AND THROUGH LIKE NACHO AND ME.

Rex Ryan: Sorry, don’t mean to keep yelling, but man am I excited to be here. Was afraid I’d have to think about taking a job with the Browns in a year.

Mark Sanchez: Wait, you’re not leaving us? You’re staying? Geno, does this mean consistency? And you can meet girls on Instagram?

Geno Smith: I can meet girls on Instagram, you can keep meeting girls on Tumblr. We can’t cross streams here.

Mark Sanchez: What does that leave Coach Ryan?

Rex Ryan: Don’t you worry about me, Nacho. I’ve got my beautiful wife and a Pinterest full of women walking through the grass. Bare, flip flops, heels. Thank god for women and their arty shots they pin for inspiration. Goddamn sex city between all those banana bread recipes. Now are you emo boys with me or not?

Mark Sanchez: With you! Always, Coach Ryan!

Geno Smith: Of course, Coach Ryan.

Rex Ryan: Good. One more thing before we head out and get you both the finest Steinhardt College sculptors. We can’t leave this locker room empty. We’d be terrible rude hosts not to leave something behind for either the Broncos or the Patriots when they get here in a couple of weeks.

Mark Sanchez: Let’s hide rotten eggs in the air ducts!

Rex Ryan: No, no. Besides, Cromartie still might be hiding up there afraid of being cut. He’ll come out once his phone runs out of battery power. We need to think bigger.

Geno Smith: Mangold’s sisters?

Rex Ryan: Hey, you be nice now, Geno. Just because I lost an entire Ed Reed in weight doesn’t mean fat jokes are now acceptable. Rob’s got some free time now and I cannot help it if he sits on you for your size-ism, skinny boy.

(A lone wolf howls in the distance.)

Rex Ryan: Silky!

silkygarrard

Silky Garrard: What can Silky get a fine gentleman like yourself, Coach Ryan. It’s a busy Super Bowl season for House Silky, but Silky always has time for an old friend.

Rex Ryan: Silky, what do you know about smuggling? Smuggling that might get us in trouble with PETA or Ashton Kutchner or something. How do leave a welcoming gift for the Patriots or the Broncos once security has this place locked up tighter than Dreamboat’s wife?

Silky: My dear friend, should be easy enough. We build false backs on the back of all the lockers. Shouldn’t take more than a day. If I promise Silky’s Ladies extra Bud Platinum when they’re done, maybe done in an afternoon.

Geno Smith: They do handwork too?

Silky Garrard: But of course. They also perform as clowns at children’s birthday parties. Silky has learned to diversify and hire multi talented ladies as not to arouse suspicion with the IRS.

Mark Sanchez: You won’t hurt Shonn Greene’s locker, will you?

Silky Garrard: Silky knows how much that locker means to you and would never do anything to hurt it.

Rex Ryan: Well it’s settled. Silky, you get your team to work. Geno, Nacho, we’re out on the town. It might be a couple of weeks before we’re little Favre-deep in co-eds again.

Mark Sanchez: What do you mean a couple of weeks, I’ve got a plane ticket for Cabo in two days.

Rex Ryan: Silky, you think you can do this?

Silky: When Silky Garrard says absolutely, Silky means absolutely.

Rex Ryan: Then do it. And make sure there is an extra large dog door hidden in the Giants locker room too.

(A lone wolf howls in the distance.)

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Rex Ryan: AAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! The Ryan Brothers will be part of Super Bowl XLVIII.

Shonn Greene’s Empty Locker: