robot-alien

One of my co-workers posed an interesting question this week: would you rather have a sexy robot girlfriend or a sexy alien girlfriend? (Or boyfriend, depending on your preferences.) I tweeted about a little a few days ago, but I think it merits further discussion.

But first, some ground rules.

1. Alien means ALIEN. You don’t get to choose some human-ass “alien” like Supergirl or Princess Leia. That shit’s weak. Your sexy alien must have a third boob or green skin or, I don’t know, flippers ‘n’ shit. Something that REALLY freaks out racists and old people.

orion-slave-girl

2. Your robot boyfriend/girlfriend has freedom of choice. SUCK IT, ASIMOV. This isn’t a sentient RealDoll you can turn off when you’re done with it. Your robot girlfriend needs overnight charging and occasional repairs/software updates, but otherwise she’s fully sentient and doing robot things all day — you know, computing, vacuuming, learning stuff like Scarlett Johansson in Her.

3. A cyborg is not a robot. I appreciate you quoting “Archer,” but your robot girlfriend is 100% robot from the ground up. That means no flesh and no human brain like Archer’s beloved Katya. Robot girlfriend is all A.I. and silicone and vibrating vagina.

4. An alien girlfriend will not kill you or change your DNA. Forget any Species- or District 9-related concerns, you won’t be murdered or assimilated into the Borg by your interstellar fuckmate. Or at least, he or she is no more likely to kill you than a regular human. So if Sil from Species shoots her knife-tongue through your brain (worth it!), it’s because she’s unstable, not because of her species’ inclination.

SO, given these factors, who do you go with? While I’m tempted by the possibility of an Orion slave girl that bears a striking resemblance to Alice Eve, I have to go with Sexy Robot Girlfriend. Sure, Sexy Alien Girlfriend will make you look cool in bohemian circles, but the culture clash will inevitably lead to hurdles: weird cuisine, disapproving parents, or traveling to her star system for the holidays, only to return to an Earth that moved decades ahead while you traveled near the speed of light. Ugh, jet lag AND everyone you know is dead. No thanks.

So I’ll take the robot. She’s rational, never losing her looks, and really good at doing taxes — which is really all just icing on the cake, ‘cuz, y’know… vibrating vagina.

And now, your questions. (Both of them.)

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Hey Captain,
My fantasy team tanked this season. Will you be offering suggestions for clever but HR appropriate fantasy team names for next year?

Yes, KSK does an annual guide. Look for it in August. (Previous editions are easily found through Google.)

I’m a 22 year old single girl, fresh out of college.

The comment section right now:

Turns out a guy I had a one night stand with was using me to cheat on his girlfriend. I don’t know the girl personally, but he sent me a Facebook message asking if he could hook up with me behind her back this past weekend, because he says she isn’t putting out enough. I chewed him out on it: told him I would never help him knowingly cheat, that he needs to talk things out with her, and then man up and admit he’s been trying to cheating on her (I should mention this was before he admitted he lied to me). Did I do the right thing or did I take it too far? 

I think you’re right to be pissed off and/or grossed out by his skeeviness, so by all means you were justified in saying “you’re gross and we’re not happening again.” But you probably wasted your time telling him what he should do. Any guy who’s stupid and brazen and shameless enough to send that kind of Facebook message is guided more by his dick than by his conscience, so the energy you spent composing that message probably would have been better spent doing pretty much anything else.

What should I do in case I get blamed for it all?
-Magnet for Douchecanoes

I assume “it all” is the fallout of their impending break-up? First of all, I wouldn’t assume that they’re going to break up any time soon. He’s already cheated on his girlfriend without her finding out so far, so there’s no reason to think he won’t keep doing it with others even if his girlfriend starts “putting out enough.” (Ugh, young men are the WORST.)

But assuming he does tell her or she finds out through other channels, you’ll probably be the villain in her eyes. That’s just human programming.

You have, of course, the option of taking a screencap of that Facebook conversation, then sending that to the girl in a message titled “Your boyfriend is an asshole.” You won’t be safe from the shrapnel of the relationship blowing up, but at least you’re in charge of the detonator that way. I’m neither wholly for this nor particularly against it, and the moral arguments re: “she deserves to know!” versus “It’s not your business!” are a big reason why I signed a lifelong contract to be monogamous to a reliable person.

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El Capitan,
FOOTBALL: I have the option of keeping either Eddie Lacy for a 3th rounder or Zac Stacy for a 6th rounder in a standard league. What say you?

I love both players, but I’d go with Lacy for two reasons: he plays in a better offense and against weaker competition. Stacy gets six games against the three of the best defenses in the NFL, and while that doesn’t mean he’ll get shut down every time (he ran for 134 yards against Seattle), it does mean that he’s generally going to have fewer chances to score (in four full games against division opponents, Stacy scored only once — against the Cardinals — in a game where he averaged  1.8 YPC. In his eight extra-divisional games: seven TDs.

Perhaps Stacy provides you slightly better value because of the pick he costs, but Lacy’s a surefire first-rounder for 3rd round price, and I think his week-to-week reliability makes him the better call.

SEX QUESTION: Well, here goes: I’m 24 and have basically zero relationship or sex history. My family moved around a lot when I was a kid and weight + acne issues didn’t help. By college, the self doubt and lack of confidence became self-fulfilling prophecies. Basically, it just kept not happening. Now I’ve moved to a respectable mid-sized city, gotten into decent shape, found a normal social life and am finishing up grad school with a job offer in-hand.

Hey, way to turn things around!

I recently met a girl through an online dating site and we hit it off. There was definite chemistry and it felt like this could be the beginning of a relationship. But after date No. 3, we went back to her apartment, the moment of truth arrived and, well, I couldn’t rise to the occasion. This wasn’t entirely surprising. I’m not a shrink, but 10-12 years of loneliness, anticipation and internet porn probably hasn’t been an ideal prescription for my brain.

I also am not a shrink, but would concur.

(BTW, porn is less of a factor here than anticipation/nervousness. More on this in a sec.)

Long-term, therapy and continued self-improvement seem like the solutions. But for now, what’s my best chance for salvaging things with this particular lady? If we go out again and the same situation arises, do I just give it another shot and hope take 2 goes better than the first try? I’m skeptical given that the pressure to perform has only increased. I could come partially clean with something like this: “I’ve always had issues with vulnerability and intimacy and I’ve worked hard to get over them enough that we could even go on a few normal dates and get to this point. But when it comes to the bedroom, I sometimes have difficulty until I get comfortable with someone new.”

Sanity check: is telling her that that just another self-sabotage on my part, or is there any reasonable chance that my emasculating but semi-genuine confession won’t send her running for the hard on-filled hills? Up until that fateful moment, the time we’d spent together seemed like a big step in the right direction for me – but like you’ve said before, she’s certainly not obligated to spend her mid-20s teaching me things I should have learned in high school. Is there an alternative I’m missing aside from mail-order Cialis?
-Tiquan Underflaccid

You don’t need Cialis, and you don’t need to tell her all that. Just say, “Hey, I’m sorry about last time. I got nervous because I like you, and I’d like to try again and take things a little more slowly.” If she’s up for a date #4, try to focus on the foreplay and really take your time with it. If you focus on enjoying all the making out and the fondling, your physical desire will overwhelm the worries about having sex.

And seriously, don’t sweat the late loss of your virginity. We get some version of your email every couple weeks. It’s incredibly easy to stumble out of adolescence without getting laid. You’re perfectly normal.

(Yup, that’s really all the email we got this week. Want a longer mailbag? Ask us anything.)