[via]

That’s right, folks.  The one and only NATURE BOY RIC FLAIR is in the building to give you readers a sure-fire Super Bowl pick you can take to the bank!  WOOOOOOOO!  Now lemme tell ya buddy, I don’t know if the Seattle Seahawks have what it takes to WALK DOWN THAT TUNNEL and face off with Peyton Manning and his Denver Broncos, but like I said from the start of the season, if the Panthers lose and also the 49ers lose, there’s nobody better poised to take the title than Russell Wilson and the ‘Hawks.  But it’s football.  Anything can happen.  My pick is Broncos 24, Seahawks 28.  You can put your last dollar on tha…

A deafening crack is heard, as a shadowy figure rises behind Ric Flair.  Ric Flair drops to his knees, stunned, as the lights flash across the shadowed figure’s sunglasses.

Jim “JR” Ross: MY GOD!  Ric Flair is stunned!  And.. what’s this?  OH MY!  The mystery man in the purple sunglasses has Flair in a sharpshooter!  HE’S GOT NOWHERE TO GO!  FOLKS, RIC FLAIR HAS JUST TAPPED OUT!  RIC FLAIR HAS TAPPED OUT!  IT’S OVER!

Bret “The Hitman” Hart:

[via]

Sorry, Nature Boy.  If you think I’d let you get away with lying to these wonderful readers, you have another damn thing coming.  Broncos win, 21-7.  Peyton Manning is a legend, and as a five time WWF champion, I know a legend when I see one.  And if any of you think these young bucks can come challenge the number one offense in the LEAGUE, STEP IN THIS RING AND PROVE ME WRONG.  No?  That’s what I thought.  See folks?  Legends NEVER die.  And on that cold February night up in New York, the legends will rise to the top.

Jim “JR” Ross:  Speaking of the top, who’s that on the turnbuckle?  BRET HART DOESN’T SEE HIM!  MY GOD, IT’S THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR!  He’s gonna… he’s gonna jump!  MY GOODNESS, A DEVASTATING MOONSAULT FROM THE TOP ROPE!  Hart is down!  Hart is down!  Hart is down, and here comes the pin count— IT’S ALL OVER!

The Ultimate Warrior:

[via]

SEAHAAAAAAAWKS WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNN–

Jim “JR” Ross: The Ultimate Warrior has just been suplexed out of the ring!  There’s the 10-count… he’s not gonna make it!  THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR IS DONE FOR, FOLKS!

The Rock:

[via]

IF YOU SMELLLLLALALALALALLLLL WHAT KNOWSHON IS COOK–

Jim “JR” Ross: The Rock has just been whipped into the ropes!  It can’t be!  IT IS!  THE BIG BOOT!  OH MY GOD!  IT’S A WRESTLEPOCALYPSE OUT HERE TONIGHT FOLKS!  HE’S KILLED ‘IM!  THE ROCK IS OUT COLD!

Hulk Hogan:

[via]

ALLLLL the little Hulksters and Hulkettes know that the Seahawks are going to go home with the title.  RUSSELLMANIA IS RUNNIN’ WILD, BRRRRRROTHER!

The lights suddenly flicker out, one by one.  There is nothing but utter darkness. 

Jim “JR” Ross:  What is going on here?  What is this?

The Ghost of Macho Man Randy Savage:

[via]

OOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHH YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAHHHHHHHHHH.  LEMME TELL YA A LITTLE SOMETHING ABOUT FOOTBALL, BROTHER.  Dynasties crumble under the weight of their own egos.  Even the toughest, the greatest, the most unbelievable talents will fade with time and make way for the new generation.  BUT DEATH COULDN’T TAKE THE MACHO OUT OF THE MACHO MAN AND NO AMOUNT OF NECK SURGERIES CAN TAKE THE MAN OUT OF PEYTON MANNING.  The Broncos are the CREAM OF THE CROP and this time, they’re gonna rise to the TOP and take that title, 31-21.  The Macho King has come from beyond the GRAVE, so when I give my pick it MEANS SOMETHING.  YEAH.

Now if you’ll excuse me.

The Ghost of Macho Man Randy Savage flies off the top ropes to parts unknown, leaving a trail of Slim Jims in his wake.  Everyone has left.

2 hours later…

Carlito: 

[via]

Hey… uh, anybody home?  I thought I heard fighting and I ran over here as fast as I could..  Aw, man, did I miss it?  Not cool.

Carlito sadly eats an apple and trudges away.