My “fellow” Americans, its me your President Barack Hussain Obama. Glad you all’d have me, really a honor to give you my take here on Kissing Suzy Kolber. If you think its hard to get your voice heard in the blogosphere you should try living with Michelle .
Now look. (pauses for like a bagillion seconds) Ahhhhh, the Super Bowls coming up here and as Commander and Chief I need to be able to make the tough calls. Thats why Im whole heartedly endorseing New Jersey as the host of this Superbowl. Really anything that keeps Mark Sanchez away from Sasha and Malia for another 2 weeks is fine in my book folks.
Now let me make my picks here. I like the Seahawks and,, and so do the refs apparently. Seems Roger Goodell followed my lead and instructed his officals to not enforce minor holding infractions against people from Seattle. Seattle knows if your going to stand a chance verse the Broncos youve just got to limit the amount of possesions.
Lets be clear. Ahhhhh, the Seahawks secondary is outstanding. They call themselfs the “Legion of Boom.” They play like there above the law and specialize in interceptions so if this football thing doesnt work out for them guys theyve always got a job at the NSA. You talk about a outstanding group of shutdown fellas fokls, I cant tell if thats Richard Shermen or Ted Cruz out there.
Seriously though Seattle, I’d be remissed if I didnt mention the 12th man. I think the only person they cheer for louder then Russell Wilson is me. Im telling you, the crowd noise up there is not easy for opponents to deal with, I meant it. You guys have forced more Timeouts then Healthcare.gov
Now Denver is led by Peyton Manning the only guy with a bigger head then me. Peyton your a job creator. Sorry about Michelle trying to put you out of business there. Peyton is so dedicated to his craft I mean he spends 80 hours a week studying tape and formations I mean if this guy ever gets a hold of the Bengazi cables Im in big trouble. Peyton your a hell of a pocket passer but youve got to step up your running game man,, its all about speed QBs now buddy. I saw him run a naked bootleg one time folks and I mean with a rollout that slow I didnt know if he was trying to secure a first down or set up a insurance exchange.
Now sorry to ahhhh, you know, ahhh, take the wind out’ve Peytons sales here but anything that can operate that accurately from a shotgun is technicaly a assault weapon. And if you use it against Russell Wilson its a hate crime. Fairs fair.
Knowshon how bout Knowmoretears there buddy? Dang, I mean come on here. Knowshons a crier folks, hes a emotional guy I really havent seen a grown man weep like that since I told Von Miller I was outlawing K2 and bath salts. God dang,, Im telling you the only place with less Spice then the gas station is my bedroom folks.
Have you people seen those Eric Decker preggo pictures with his wife? White people am I right? Come on. Deckers shared more pictures of his pregnant wife with strangers then Rae Carruth I mean
Got to respect Eric and his buddy Welker a bit though. Anytime I see a couple white guys trying so hard to fit in with the black fellas I know Im dealing with some friendly voters there. Heck you guys are lucky Peyton can make anyone look good accept maybe not Michelles arms come on. I have some fun and when Michelles wearing her cutoffs now thats what I call beast mode folks.
Mr. Jon Fox is the head coach of those low-speed White Broncos now. Not sure whose going to have more pump fakes during the game, is it Peyton Manning or Jon’s left ventricle? I like to have a little bit of fun with him there, you know, “what does the Fox say?” Hah. Is it “I cant feel my arm Ive got a bottle of asprin in my pocket?” Im kidding. Jons a generous guy, Id say he’s got a good heart but Id be lying. Jons aortas got bigger holes then Michelle. I mean come on there are more gaps in that thing then in my memoirs.
The Broncos Ds not exactly looking at 4 more years either. I mean y’all are old. I gotta be careful here now, usualy if I’m around a violent guy named “Ayers” I dont just root for the guy I give him a cabnent position.
You know my buddy PFT Commenter brought up a real good point last week here about the Broncos coaching staff:
Jack Del Rio name literaly means “masterbate into a river”
— PFTCommenter (@PFTCommenter) January 19, 2014
Great soundbyte there Mr. Commenter, and perfectly sums up my immigration policy folks.
Thank you all, Seahawks-26,,Broncos- 24
I want more like this!
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