Super Bowl picks? Do you think I have time for making Super Bowl picks when I am the most important baby that has ever been birthed? Bigger than Suri Cruise. Bigger than Royal Baby George. Bigger than any Kennedy in the past fifty years? I AM NORTH WEST and I don’t have time for your silly little Super Bowl picks. I need to learn to walk in the diamond encrusted baby shoes already being made just for me so I can walk down the aisle with my parents — KIM AND KAYNE, PERHAPS YOU HAVE HEARD OF THEM AND HOW I AM THE SYMBOL OF THE PUREST LOVE EVER — and you’re just wasting my time.
*Hands North West a check for $2 million dollars and a contract that says Uproxx will get North on the cover of Vogue by age 13.*
*North accepts check and contract, not noticing Uproxx is spelled with a third “x” thus voiding the contract and that the check is postdated for 2114 because North cannot yet read. Interviewer feels no shame for taking advantage of a a millionaire baby.*
Ah, why yes, the Super Bowl. I love the Super Bowl. Proud to be a Daddy’s Girl and make my very own Super Bowl pick just like he did and just like… like… how is Brody Jenner related to me again? He’s our pool boy or something? No matter. I am North West the very most important baby ever and I am here to tell you about the Super Bowl.
Now, my mommy taught me the most important thing men can give you to judge their performance and their love is found in the size of the ring they give you.
Look at that thing. Size of my hand. IT SHOWS THAT MY DADDY IS THE BEST DADDY ON EARTH AND HE LOVES MY MOMMY ABOVE ALL OTHER MOMMIES ON THE PLANET AND AND I AM THE MOST IMPORTANT BABY THAT HAS EVER POOPED WEST OF DOHENY.
So which team is going to give me the biggest ring — because obviously I will be given one as a token for being the most important baby in the world — when they win the Super Bowl. Let’s go to the tape. No. The other tape.
The Broncos made this one in 1997.
Some serious CrackerJack small-ass ring bullshit. It did get better in 1998 when they added a second horsey.
At least this ring has diamonds that are big enough to see, none of the pavé commoner diamonds to make their diamonds look fancier because their daddies don’t love their mommies with the purest love of all time. The inclusion of champagne-colored diamonds though is troubling, because they are obviously not the purest diamonds. Seems like something a lesser baby like a Stefani-Rossdale would wear, or god forbid, a Garner-Affleck. Their daddies most certainly DO NOT LOVE their mommies as much. I’ve seen their rings at the Brentwood Sweet Rose Creamery and they are no where near as big as my mommy’s ring.
Seattle has never won a Super Bowl, so we have less to go on here. Back in 2006 they were given NFC Championship rings, which sounds like some sort of “promise ring” nonsense like he will buy a bigger ring when he has more money and Momma says that as a Kardashian woman, I cannot let that sort of stuff fly around here, especially since I am the most important Kardashian now, which means I don’t even have to return Grandmamma’s calls.
Gross. That’s not even a sapphire, is it?
It’s so tacky it looks like it came from Glendale Tiffany’s which is isn’t even a REAL Tiffany’s they just sell the fashion jewelry to the little people hoping their tokens of affection will be just as pure as my mommy’s and daddy’s and they will all have their most important baby in the world which they won’t because North West IS THE MOST IMPORTANT BABY.
Winner: Broncos 32, Seahawks 17 because Denver already has a jeweler and Seattle will make rings out of hippie turquoise and Narwhal tusk set in silver that will turn my — the most important baby ever out of the purest love ever — fingers green.
I want more like this!
Follow Kissing Suzy Kolber on Facebook and get the latest NFL news & humor before everyone else.