mrhappy

At age 30 and following two not very productive seasons, Kellen Winslow is decidedly in the twilight of his NFL career, so it’s too bad we’ve spent all these years making fun of him for the “I’m a fuckin’ soldier” quote he made in college. All along, we could have been making fun of him for the time he was caught masturbating outside of a Target in a car full of Vaseline and synthetic marijuana. Had only he did this when he was younger, we’d have a wider array of jokes to make at his expense.

Still, we’ll take what we can get and, oh my, this episode is something to behold.

The redacted incident report from East Hanover police shows that on Nov. 19 at 5:30 p.m., cops responded to a call from a woman who said she had parked her vehicle in a spot to the right of a black Cadillac Escalade outside the Target along Route 10 in East Hanover. A man was sitting inside the Escalade with the window open, said the woman, whose name was redacted in the incident report.

As she exited her vehicle, she commented to the male regarding how cold it was. As she stood near the open driver side window of the Escalade, she observed the males [sic] erect penis.

You know, those statements seem out of order for some reason.

She stated that she believed he was masturbating. [The woman] provided a written statement regarding her account.

By the time police arrived, an officer found Winslow allegedly “slouched in his seat and moving around.” Winslow sprang to an upright position when the officer arrived. When the cop asked Winslow what he was doing, Winslow allegedly said he was looking for Boston Market but was lost.

Such a great year for NFL player weed arrests while they were looking for fast food. Gotta say, though, Dwayne Bowe’s choice of Sonic beats Winslow and Boston Market, hands down (phrasing).

Oh, and Bobby Big Wheel mapped it out for Winslow. So close!


But wait, there’s more!

The cop noticed Winslow was wearing “dark colored” sweatpants and wrote that “his genitals were not exposed.”

Soldier sent back to the barracks.

But the cop also noticed “two open containers of Vaseline on his center console” and plastic bags marked “Mr. Happy” and empty plastic containers of “Funky Monkey” scattered throughout the vehicle.

Finally, a chance to use the detective skills honed over years of police work.

Winslow allegedly told police he smoked the “Mr. Happy” and “Funky Monkey” at his home to relax because the NFL doesn’t drug test for it, and that he buys the stuff on the internet and at gas stations. Police say he consented to a vehicle search, and after a few items were seized into evidence, Winslow was free to go.

Very important to note that Winslow played out the rest of the season. I demand “Hard Knocks” style footage of the jokes at Winslow’s expense in the Jets locker room. Willing to pay almost any price.

Also, buying weed, synthetic or no, over on the Internet might actually be the dumbest thing Winslow did.

Lab tests that came back on Dec. 23 revealed that Winslow was in possession of synthetic marijuana. He was formally charged on Dec. 30, and last week he pleaded not guilty before a judge in Superior Court in Morristown.

The incident report lists lewdness among the alleged crimes, but Winslow was not charged with anything relating to alleged lewdness.

Merciful but also smart. I feel like the court of public opinion will do a good enough job punishing him for jackin’ it that the legal system need not worry about it.

BONUS COMMENTER STRONG TAKE: