Attention NFL players. Every Superbowl theres some showoff like a Eugene Robinson or a Barrett Robbins who lets his team down by getting arrested and being a distraction. And you know there can be NO distractions in a week filled with dozen’s of interviews and media production sessions and practicing in a different city and two weeks between games. So if you go out and have one to many drinks I’ve invented a safe way for you to get home:
We’re running the beta test in NYC for the Superbowl but its soon to go national-wide. Basically here’s how it works:
Your a NFL player who drank too much hennesy or hypnotiq at the club and you’ve got a big game tomorrow against your rival. You have two choices-
Choice 1: Drive home drunk and get a DUI and probably suspended or worst cost your team a distraction.
Choice 2: Use your “Full-BAC Drive” app to have a prior vetted knowlegable NFL fan come to pick you up FOR FREE.
Its intooitive and designed so simple that a 5th grader or average skill position player can use it
Its a real no-brainer folks. Theres absolutely no cost to you, all that will be required is that you talk some football and kind’ve let the NFL fan pick your brain on the drive home. Im spending a couple weeks in Tampa next year so I can be on the ready for a 3 AM phone call from Vincent Jackson so I can give him some pointer’s on his padlevel on blocking plays and see if I can get him to drunk dial Schiano to apologize for not buying in.
I know what your thinking, prospective drunk NFL player: “How can I be sure Im getting a ride from a REAL fan and not some casual Sunday jockey who doesnt know the difference between a 3-4 and the number of teeth hes got left?” Well I PERSONALLY vet all my sober fans to make sure that they have what it takes to carry on a football conversation with a player. These guys are the geishas of NFL Car Services folks,, Ive trained them on all the topics that modern NFL players are interested in and want to discus such as:
- The Rooney Rule- the most racist thing in the history of modern sports?
- Obama looks like a real turkey when he throws a baseball
- Bring up a couple examples of times that player should of taken a knee instead of scoring
- Take the guy to your ex girlfriends house for a quick picture and autographs for her new family
- They are all certified in deep tissue Sports massage without touching the Gay parts
- Is Joe Flacco a Elite Quarterback?
I’m taking investors at the ground level to get in on this cash cow. Our user base of qualifyed fans fluctuates depending on if Greg can get his liscense reinstated or not next week, but we’re looking to grow. If your a REAL NFL fan please apply at firstname.lastname@example.org to begin the application process to be a driver.
But if your a NFL player make sure to download this app in case you find yourself getting “blitzed” and need to be “carted off.” (TM)
I want more like this!
Follow Kissing Suzy Kolber on Facebook and get the latest NFL news & humor before everyone else.