aMore Chicken Mole Frito Pie

Units of Measurements, TL:DR

Albert Burneko: At the risk of seeming hyperbolic, I have literally never measured anything, ever, so yeah, it was a bit awkward. I don’t even know how old I am.

RobotsFightingDinosaurs: I’m the same way. I mean obviously you have to list measures, but given that chili is such a taste-and-go thing that you can really tweak at any time, it’s kind of non-prescriptive by nature.

Unsilent: My recipe is mostly approximations. I mean, who is measuring out hot sauce? Taste and fix, taste and fix. That said, I do measure some things. This isn’t barbecue sauce.

RobotsFightingDinosaurs: I feel like there should be a universal asterisk that signifies something to the effect of “hey, these measurements are kind of not accurate, feel free to fuck around” on all chili recipes for this reason.

Old James: Agreed. Plus, as football fans, we all know you can’t measure heart.

(Shows self the door.)

Jeb Lund: I made my “effort” chili this weekend, since I knew my quick-and-dirty chili recipe wouldn’t pass muster with this crowd, and I realized how much of it relies on “a slug of this,” and “fuck it, maybe deglaze this pan with this,” and the fact that I pretty much never buy the same peppers twice in a row. Also, my wife makes a thick and almost jelly-like habañero/carrot/citrus sauce that—inspired by its color—I’ve come to call “The Electric Orange Death.” This is my default heat agent, because the citrusy bits are always nice, and I like that radiating kinda background intensity to habañero heat, and because we have two big jars of it in the fridge at all times.

That being said, telling people to “add a couple tablespoons of Electric Orange Death to the pot” sounds less like a dinner recipe and more like the start of a drug-fueled cult suicide. So concessions were made to practicality.

Albert Burneko: Ha, the chili recipe I sent Sarah is the friggin’ incarnation of quick-and-dirty. That’s the best kind of chili.

Jeb Lund: That whole thing was ironic, Albert. I was just testing you to see what your response would be. I don’t really care. I made this recipe up by combining ingredients from the backs of Durkee and McCormick’s sauce packets. I’m not sure what chili is, since the only thing I eat is lobster, which is prepared for me in a special railcar. In fact, I don’t even own a stove.

Fesser: One option for the onions that might bring some peace to this contentious topic would be a quick dry pickle, if you want to call it that. Dave Chang is big on tossing veggies w/ a mix of 1tb sugar and 1tsp salt. I keep a mason jar premixed, and toss cukes or onions in it, depending on the context.

At the risk of sounding like a Godless effete Yankee intellectual, I will argue for shallots in guacamole.

Unsilent: I’d argue for shallots in pretty much anything other than maybe ice cream.

Fesser: I am the only person in Clemson who buys them, so I learned the plu number so cashiers don’t have to look up. It’s 4662. I am inordinately proud of this.

Andrea Hangst: Oh man, shallots in everything. And yeah, I have my recipes that have true measurements. But chili is all feel. Trying to write that out was somewhat challenging, mainly for the spices. None of that gets measured when I make chili.

Chris Mueller: The measurements in mine are half feel, half “no this is how much you put in”, but that’s really because I’m embarrassed at how haphazard my methods are. The original recipe called for “a Cool Whip bowl full of chopped onions and celery” so who knows what size container of Cool Whip to use?

Michael Felder: I assume the standard Cool Whip, which is the 8 oz tub. I only know that because I made pudding shots this past weekend and the recipe called for “1 tub of Cool Whip” and I had to dig through similar recipes to find out that 8 oz is the size.

Unsilent: This is my new favorite unit of measurement.

Dan Pashman: Yeah, that’s a good one. A lot of traditional French recipes call for a demi-tub.

Sarah: So I can wrap up the 19 pages of Great Super Bowl Chili Roundtable 2014, what’s everyone’s tl;dr on chili.

Flubby: tl;dr: Pythagoras was wrong: bean up that chili.

Albert Burneko: tl;dr The most important thing to keep out of chili is some other dickwad’s ideas about what should or shouldn’t go in it.

RobotsFightingDinosaurs: tl;dr- The most goddamn beautiful thing about chili is that you could literally throw pounds of ground beef into a pot with some beef broth and chili powder and cook it, and you’d end up with a chili that tastes decent. The best chili recipes come from a combination of necessity and lunacy– how the fuck else do you think I came up with my recipe that uses beer as a base? I wanted chili, but didn’t have beef broth or tomato paste. Or beans. Anyway. Point is, people are passionate about chili because everybody’s recipe is different, and because of this, you’re attached to it. It’s something you created. It’s yours. If nothing else, I hope that this encourages you to be a dumbass and make chili with whatever is left in your pantry, even if it’s just a half-box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch and some Franzia. Trust me, it might just work. And that’s what chili is all about.

I guess that wasn’t very concise of me.

Celebrity Hot Tub: tl;dr: So add meat, yeah / And keep that burner on low / How long to reduce? Don’t no one knowwwwwwwww.

Unsilent: tl;dr- Chili is delicious, and making it should be enjoyable.

Rob Iracane: tl;dr – The only essential ingredient of chili is the chile pepper and the only essential characteristic of chili is that it looks vaguely like slop.

Jeb Lund: tl;dr Don’t ever let anyone chili-shame you. Those people with their elk niblets, moose doots, sirloin polyps and venison tournedos can check their palate- and pocketbook-privilege. Make that ground beef chili with chili powder and canned tomatoes if you want. Serve it with a plate of nothing. Become what you were born to be. You are beautiful, and I love you.

Dan Pashman: tl;dr The good news about chili is that it almost always ends up good. The bad news is that it’s really hard to make it great.

Andrea Hangst: Chili is a necessary recipe to have in your hip pocket and it’s way more simple than it seems and is almost always delicious.

Ted Berg: TL;DR: Everyone has his or her own definition and interpretation of chili, and no one is wrong except anyone who disagrees with me.

Old James: tl;dr Try a bunch of different kinds of chili. Don’t be so shallow. Free your mind. And your recipe will follow.

Chris Mueller: tl;dr Chili is really good, and should contain beans. The only bad chili is the kind that’s too tomato-y. There is no such thing as chili that is too spicy.

Stephanie Stradley: tl;dr Why can’t I fave emails? Especially Jeb’s.

Michael Felder: TL;DR Put that meat in your chili. Lots of it. Meat on meat on meat.

Fesser: And this is why I call my version “beef chili con carne with meat.”

Well, Fesser did claim his recipe was the best chili recipe. 

Tomorrow, Part 2 of the The Great Chili Super Bowl Roundtable of 2014. Chili recipes from the roundtable participants Ted Berg, Chris Mueller, Andrea Hangst, Old James, RobotsFightingDinosaurs, Flubby, Unsilent, Rob Iracane, Fesser, Albert Burneko, Jeb Lund and Film Critic Hulk! 

Need even more football watching-centric recipe ideas? Find the complete archive of Football Foodie/Foodball recipes hereand all recipes that have appeared on KSK here.