RobotsFightingDinosaurs Chili

Via KSK Rookie, RFD

RobotsFightingDinosaurs’s Chipotle Chocolate Stout Chili

3 1/2 lb ground sirloin or beef chuck (cubed)
40 oz. of dark beer (Guinness is great, but other stouts work too, and you can really guide the flavor of the chili with your choice here. Go crazy.)
3 oz. extra dark chocolate
3 tbsp. chili powder
1 tbsp (or so) brown sugar (dark works best, but it’s not a huge deal)
10-12 chipotle chilis, the kind packed in adobo sauce
Olive Oil
Worcestershire Sauce
Black Pepper
Cinnamon Sticks (if you want)

Okay guys, don’t worry. I know that you’re reading those ingredients thinking “Wow, that’s a lot of beer”, “Where is the beef broth or tomato paste”, “No beans? Really?” and “Is there anything in this chili other than chocolate, Guinness, and beef?”

Let me address these points separately: 1: Shut up. 2: Seriously, shut up. 3: Hey, fuck you, don’t judge my chili. 4: Okay, you know what? Just move on to the next recipe. I don’t need you here.

Are they gone? Good. Because we don’t need those jerks around here. I’m going to teach you how to make a chili that will confuse, seduce, and delight you. Like those dreams you keep having about your 3rd grade teacher.

We’re gonna do a bit of prep work first. Finely chop the chipotle chilis, and add them to a large mixing bowl. Do the same with the chocolate, chili powder, and dark brown sugar. If I were you, I’d add a bit of ground black pepper in there too, but that’s on you. I can’t make all your decisions for you. Add a little under half of the beer to the bowl and mix it all up so that most of the dissolvable ingredients, like, dissolve.

Next step is to coat a big pot with olive oil and put it on high heat. Dump all that beef right in there, and start browning it, turning the beef regularly. After about 2-3 minutes, when the meat starts to get a little gummy, turn the heat down to medium, and add the contents of your mixing bowl.

Drink a bit of the beer.

Bring your delicious chocolate meat beer mixture to a boil, then immediately reduce the heat as low as it will go while still maintaining a flame. You’re gonna simmer this for around 90 minutes. If you don’t have an egg timer or kitchen timer, I recommend making a trip to your nearest convenience store for candy, chips, and soda, then watching the Bruce Campbell epic Evil Dead 3: Army of Darkness. By the time the credits roll, you should be ready for the next step.

Time to check on the chili. Oh no, you fucked up. All you have now is a pot of deliciously flavored, caramelized meat. This isn’t chili, this is sloppy joe filling! WHAT DID YOU DO. WHY WOULD YOU RUIN MY RECIPE.

Okay, okay. Don’t worry, I’ll help you through this. You still have a little under half the beer left, right? Good. Make sure nobody’s looking, and just throw that into the pot with the meat. Raise the heat just a bit and stir it all together while whistling nonchalantly. If you want to get REAL crazy, throw a cinnamon stick or two in there. Turn the heat back down and simmer for 30 more minutes. If you don’t have an egg timer or kitchen timer, this works out to around the length of 1 Mario Kart race and an episode of Bob’s Burgers.

Check on the chili again, and fish out the cinnamon if you added it in the previous step. Everything look good? Good. Pop it, covered, into the fridge and let all those flavors settle a bit. Now, depending on how long the chili is in there, the chili might firm up because we’re getting the salty, fatty textural elements of the chili from cooking it in the same pot we browned the beef in. This means that the grease will firm up in the fridge. It’ll look… wrong. But once you put it on the burner again, it’ll all loosen up and turn delicious.

Add a pinch of salt to each individual bowl before serving, and serve with cornbread or over pasta. You can also add Worcestershire sauce if you want to get crazy. But don’t fuck with this too much. This chili doesn’t play well with the standard chili toppings like sour cream, scallions, cheddar cheese, and raw onions.