Hello everyone, I am Daniel Snyder, owner of the Washington Redskins and incredibly successful entrepreneur. You may think of me more as an expert in the matters of business, leadership, and calling Jim Haslett from the owner’s box to tell him to run a 3-4 deep zone defense on 3rd and 2. And you’d be right.

But what you might not know is that I am also well-versed in the ways of love. Yes, I slayed more ass than I can count during my brief stint at the University of Maryland. I even had brief conversations with them occasionally

So when I heard that Mr. Ufford’s mailbag would be delayed until tomorrow I was more than happy to answer some questions from Redskins Nation about the exciting direction our team is heading in, and about their boners.

Greg M., Silver Spring, Md.

HI DAN THANKS FOR TAKING MY EMAIL FIRST OF ALL WHY NOT ZIMMER DONT GET ME WRONG GRUDEN’S GOT THE YELLS BUT EVERYONE TALKS ABOUT THE ZIMMER

Great question. There is a very good reason why I chose Jay over Mike Zimmer. Bruce Allen told me yesterday we need to get that coordinator from the Bengals before someone snatches him up, so I said okay. When I realized later that day that most teams have two coordinators rather than a defensive coordinator and a coach’s son, I knew I’d have to figure out which one Bruce meant. But I was out of minutes on my phone and didn’t want overages, so I found a dime in my pocket and flipped it — heads for Zimmer, tails for Gruden. It came up heads but FDR is a socialist, so I went with Gruden.

SECOND: IS FISTING EVEN REAL? HOW DO YOU FIT THE WHOLE THING IN?

It’s NOT real. Don’t believe everything you hear. I don’t care how much lube you put on your hand, I can’t get more than the first two knuckles up my own ass.

Roger G., New York, N.Y.

ಠ_ಠ

STOP SENDING THAT.

Alan H., Arlington, Va.

Why are you keeping Jim Haslett on? You realize his defense allowed 478 points, right?

I got a LOT of emails complaining about keeping Jim Haslett. I don’t get what the big deal is. We had a salary cap hit, OK? He was hamstrung. But after this draft my deal with the Rams will be complete and I’ll have a shitload of new draft picks to trade away. I don’t even know why the league gives all these picks out. Who uses them all?

Besides, Jim has a defensive coordinator face. That goes a long way in this league. Just look at it:

 

 

Jim has had a very long and successful career in the NFL standing on the sidelines and looking very concerned about the performance of his defense. You can’t buy that. Well you can, and I did, but I’m not letting it slip away.

So my girlfriend and I have been living together for about a year now, and then out of the blue she gets a job offer 400 miles away. She accepted it without even talking to me. I feel like we’ve had our difficulties lately but thought we were working through them, and then I get this news. I think our relationship is worth salvaging, and I thought she felt that way too, but now it seems like she’s just abandoning the relationship. When I bring it up, she denies it. Is this job just her easy way out of the relationship, or is there a chance she still wants to make things work even if it’s long distance? And, if so, what can I do to rekindle that fire?

My advice would be to go through her belongings and find something that you could use to blackmail her into loving you. Don’t worry about rekindling the fire, that’s long gone. What you want to do now is take control of her life and use it for your own purposes. Don’t be one of those saps that believes in “love” or “monogamy.” My wife and I have a deal: she doesn’t visit the office at Redskins Park after hours, and I don’t drop by the house between 2-4 on Wednesdays when our gardner Jose comes to water the petunias.

In any event, do what I do and get some hookers. Now I know what you’re thinking: hookers carry disease and aren’t generally very attractive. BULLSHIT. Sure, if you cruise down Shithole Alley for some ass you better wrap it up tight and put a bag over her head, but that’s not the gentleman’s way to do things. Invest in some five-star tail and fly them in on your private jet. Or helicopter, as I prefer, since I get them right here in Maryland. I only eat local! Just don’t get them from Baltimore. You might as well sprinkle some Old Bay down there before you go to town.

Manny R., Washington, D.C.

Is RGIII broken, or is it just a sophomore slump? Is he going to rebound?

Of course he’s going to rebound. And I’ll THANK YOU to refer to him as ROBERT. Robert is resilient. And he stays humble through it all. His focus is always on the game. Even when we’re both in my private limo, eating fresh lobsters and caviar off a stripper’s stomach while sipping Cristal out of freshly cleaned endangered sea turtle skull, he looks me right in the eye and says, “Dan, my focus is always on the game.” Then, once we get home, he goes STRAIGHT to bed at 6 a.m., because he has a game in seven hours.

On to sex, or more of a relationship question I guess. I was married for 22 years to the most wonderful person I’ve ever met, my wife Anne. Eight months ago she died in a car crash. For a while I didn’t believe she was gone. I went about my routine, going to work even though the boss told me to stay home, cooking dinner for two, and then going to bed, waiting for her to walk in the door any minute and snuggle up next to me. Sometimes I’d wake up at 3 in the morning, waiting, listening in the silence, craving to feel her hot breath against my neck, reassuring me that everything would be alright. But every night, I would simply lie there, alone, feeling dead inside until I slipped back into unconsciousness. The next day, I would go through the daily routine again, like a machine set in motion many years ago to run through a series of pointless actions for all eternity.

The other day, it finally hit me. She’s gone and never coming back. It happened while I was walking through the park after stepping off the bus on my way home from work. I glimpsed a bench off to my right, the bench where I had proposed to her 22 years ago. I crumpled to my knees and wept in the middle of the sidewalk. People turned and stared but I didn’t even care. She was everything to me, and now she was nothing. Nothing but an empty spot in my heart. And I don’t know where to go from here.

Sorry to hear that. Have you tried alcohol?