catsplosion

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This week we have what I believe is the mailbag’s first cat-related question, which seems impossible given that this is an online column and cats, you know, run the internet. And while I’m a vocal and enthusiastic dog-lover, I’m not anti-cat (although I am severely allergic). Some cats are perfectly nice lap-warmers, and if you love your cat and it’s not outside wantonly killing songbirds, I’m cool with its existence and your happiness. Live and let live, man.

On to your questions!

Captain Crunch…er, Caveman,
I recently became involved with a woman who hit all my buttons and seemed to be The One material. Likes sports and booze, great at sex etc, etc. We talked about getting serious about a month ago (after six months of fooling around) and both seemed on board with the idea. She has two daughters from a past relationship that I adore and they like me, so all seemed great. There is a bit of an age difference (she is 32, I am 25) but she is definitely still very attractive and it hadn’t been an issue.

Last week she sent me a text saying she cannot see me anymore and that we are not a good fit. Then this weekend she sent me a message saying she cares too much for me and doesn’t want to hurt me so we should just be friends. And then another saying she can’t get to sleep because she can’t stop thinking about somebody. Not me. She’s been burned a couple times in the past and told me before we discussed dating for real that she doesn’t like relationships. Now she will not respond to texts or phone calls.

Cool, so this single mother of two likes someone else and is kind of a nutcase. Enjoy single life!

So my question is where do I go from here? This isn’t my first relationship, but I am definitely less experienced at it than she is. However, I genuinely think this person could be It material,

Whoa whoa whoa. If you think the person who doesn’t respond to your texts or calls and can’t stop thinking about somebody else is “It material,” then you don’t know DICK about dating the right person.

so I don’t want to pressure her too much. Or should I take the hint and let it go? I live in a very small town (less than 1000) and it’s not like prospects are plentiful. Do I just give her space and hope she changes her mind? I really think she’s just trying to drive me away just so that we don’t get any closer, but I don’t want to let that happen. Do I try to change her mind or just try to move on with the gym/friends/strong drinks routine?
— Frozen Out in Minnesota (okay that one sucks)

You’re in a tough situation. I lived in a city of eight million people for six years before I met the right person for me; I can’t imagine how tough it is to navigate the singles scene in a town of a thousand (which, side note, you should leave now while you’re young). That attractive, good-sexin’ 32-year-old must feel like the pinnacle of what’s available. And yet… there are totally legal 18-year-old high school seniors that are just as close to your age. I mean, I don’t typically advocate adults dating high schoolers, but you have to recognize that the world is bigger than what’s in front of you. Whether that means outside your town, or outside your typical activities and cliques, or onto the brave landscape of the internet … well, that’s up to you.

But all of that’s the next step. Right now, you have a woman who’s more interested in someone else than you. Making the case for your awesomeness won’t change her mind. Implement the post-breakup plan.

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Dear Lemon-flavored Dick Fluffers,
I recently moved to the middle of nowhere on the East Coast, and it has all of the negatives and none of the positive aspects of East Coast culture. I did this to take an okay job because I felt starting my career was expected of me (and it was the only offer after being a year out of grad school with two engineering degrees), and I managed to sacrifice everything important to me (friends, family due to distance, and an excellent girl) in the process. I was diagnosed with clinical depression within a few months, and I’ve been fighting both that and mild anxiety attacks since.

Ha HA! Who’s the lemon-flavored dick fluffer NOW?

For real, though, that’s a bummer. Sorry.

Fast forward a bit. I have a new significant other and we’ve been seeing each other since Halloween. I like her more than any person I’ve met out here, but we’re not without obstacles. One of the major issues is that we work together (big building, different departments, so it could be worse) and people at the company only hang out with coworkers. As a result, we run in the same social circle because the average age at this place is over 50; there’s a pretty select group of young folk. We’re trying to keep our relationship private because people suck and are gossipy, but there are other male members of the group who shamelessly flirt with her and don’t appear to have boundaries.

I work in an extremely male-dominated facility, and I’m extremely lucky that she’s my age (25) and smart and sexy, but it also means she’s in very, very high demand. My inquiry has to do with the fact that I get INSANELY jealous when we go out sometimes. As in I get a visceral reaction in my gut and I have to fight to keep it under wraps. She’ll flirt back, but it’s clear from when it’s just the two of us that I don’t really have any good reason to doubt her. Part of my jealousy stems from past issues with girlfriends who succumb to dudes not worth their time purely out of persistence.

I can’t just shrug off these feelings, but I can’t make a mountain out of a molehill, either. I feel like a dickless coward for being this insecure and inept. In a perfect world, I could share my dysfunctions and she’d be completely understanding, but in reality, she has options and I don’t…and I’m clearly damaged goods. I don’t want to lose her, partly because I don’t have much else going for me and I’m stuck in this sorry-ass place for a while longer. What steps can I take to pull myself out of this rut?

I appreciate the help.
-Liver Lily

Okay, first of all, EVERYONE is damaged goods. We all have our foibles and peccadilloes, and you being jealous because past girlfriends have hurt you in similar situations doesn’t make you Chris Brown. I mean, you’re not Ryan Gosling, either, but who is?

It’s been three months since Halloween: take your relationship public. Like, don’t send a company-wide email or anything, but if you’re in different departments, there’s no need to keep it a secret. People are gonna gossip either way, the talk might as well be “Yo, I can’t believe Liver Lily is nailing Jessica” and not “Yo, I bet I can fuck Jessica before you do.” If guys know she’s not available, they’ll be somewhat less likely to flirt with her, and those that do can be brushed away with a simple kiss between you and your gal.

As for you, just trust her. Trust builds trust, jealousy breeds suspicion. She’s not your previous girlfriends, and it’s unfair of you to treat her as such. I know that sounds hard, but if you don’t give yourself over entirely to the possibility of love — and, yes, the possibility of getting hurt — then she’d be better off with someone who can give her that.

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Dear KSK,
Football: If you win your league, does the fact that you have the least points scored against you by a significant margin have any effect on your gloating rights?

Nope! If you win your league, it is STRICTLY due to your awesomeness as GM and coach. Why, other teams failed to score against you because your league-mates CHOKED under the pressure of facing your fantasy leviathan. Fuck them. You are a champion. You are a GOD!

Relationship: Apologies for what will probably be a boring question. I’m new to the whole dating thing- I’m now single for the first time since college. I met someone the other day and we hit it off pretty well, but because I’m totally inept somehow she ended up with my phone number and I ended up with her email address. We had made plans to hang out with other people this coming weekend, but they fell through, and I’m not sure when I’m going to see her in person again. Is it weird to ask her out via email?
-Awkward Bob

I don’t think so. But if you’re leery of it, write her and say, “Hey, it feels super weird to ask you out over email. Can I have your number so I can ask you out?”

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Greeting Captain,

Fantasy: All of my RBs turn to dust immediately. Will I ever get past this or should I just join a bunch of 6pt passing TD leagues?

Several running backs near the top of the draft — Jamaal Charles, LeSean McCoy, Marshawn Lynch, Adrian Peterson, Matt Forte — stayed healthy and had excellent seasons. You’ll eventually bumble into an early pick that doesn’t disappoint you.

Sex (sort of): I have a friend that has had relations with a girl for about a year now. For the last six months he’s been telling us she is crazy and he needs to get out of it. At this point I should note they’ve never really been a couple, they go on a date or two have their fun then he realizes she is “insane” and stays away for awhile and sees other people. He continues texting and talking with her though and will inevitably cave to the provocative pictures and see her again, restarting the cycle.

He has asked us repeatedly for advice, to which all of our friends are united in saying stop talking to her. He says he doesn’t want to be a dick though and owes her a face-to-face breakup (even though he acknowledges they aren’t dating). He’s tried this 2 or 3 times now and it always fails because she “touches his dick” and he forgets what he is doing. Again restarting the cycle.

Is there any advice we can give or should we all give up and laugh at the schadenfreude?

Many thanks,
Donkey Teeth

You already gave the right advice, and he didn’t listen to it. Fuck him. Don’t let him bitch about something he’s willingly engaging in.

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Captain,
How are things? Anything new/interesting going on?

Well, my favorite sports team is playing in the Super Bowl against the best offense in NFL history while I go through one of the busiest work weeks of the year, soooooo… I’m kind of a harried mess. But thanks for asking.

Football first, I’m in a 12 team keeper league. I was, like a past reader, fortunate enough to score the most points in the league and finish 7th, 1 spot out of the playoffs. I made up for this injustice by winning some weekly point totals and the consolation bracket, it still stings though.

The rules for the keepers are as follows: two players total, no two from the same position, no one from the 1st or 2nd round, the cost is 1 draft round higher than the round the player was drafted in, free agents cost a 10th round.

Those are excellent keeper parameters. Bravo to your league.

My options: Eddie Lacy 3rd, D-Jax 5th, RG3 6th (not so sure about him), Alshon 8th, Orange Julius 12th, Andre Brown 10th. I’m leaning towards Alshon and Julius for the value, but I am far from 100 percent on this, your input is greatly appreciated.

Man, that’s tough. Alshon Jeffrey had amazing  end-of-season totals, but he had some boom and bust weeks, while Eddie Lacy is a surefire first-rounder next year. I’d almost be tempted to keep Lacy over Jeffrey, but you’re right: it’s more valuable to keep that 3rd-round pick open. Alshon and Julius it is.

On to the second part, been with a great girl for a year and a half, I really don’t have a question about her specifically, rather a situation that came up with one of her cousins. This past summer we had been living across the country and relocated to this area, where the family is. Almost immediately after finding a place to live the cousin informed us that she had a cat she had to get rid of, the reason being (at the time) her land lord wouldn’t allow it. I never had a cat before, because cats, so I was reluctant. But the lady wanted to do it and I relented, maybe it would be a really cool cat… almost like a dog.

No. No cat is almost like a dog.

As it turned out, the cat was a bit of a nut job. High strung, biting, scratching, sprinting around at all hours of the night.

So, like a cat. Got it.

After a couple of months of this, we both decide to look into alternative living options for this cat. All the while, her cousin had moved to a new apartment… without informing us. We let her know, hey your cat sucks, take it back (I doubt that’s how it was said, but I would have had it been my family). She said, shockingly, that her new place does not allow for pets either and that her (same) roommate is allergic, which was a new reason. Also during this, we were looking at nicer places to move into all this time and had found a perfect one that did not allow cats. So we were now in a mad scramble to find housing for this cat, every no-kill shelter in the area would not take any new cats, because cats….

At the zero hour, my girlfriends mother took the cat… for a fee of 45 dollars per month, her mother barely has any money and wouldn’t be able to afford it otherwise. It was the best option we had other than dropping it off a city shelter for a death sentence.

I know this was long winded, I’m sorry, but the I needed to relay all the facts to an impartial party for some kind of guidance. Are we just screwed here, or could we bring this to the cousin and say something like, this should be your problem, asshole? Is it worth doing that? I just don’t know, the whole thing makes me angry.
Best,
A Cat Named Jay

You could make her at least split the $45/month to house the cat. If she doesn’t pay? Take that motherfucker to the city shelter. Her cousin’s an asshole.

Like I said in the introduction up top, I’m okay with cats: I don’t fuck with them if they don’t fuck with me. But if there’s a shithead cat that no one wants …

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Hey captain,
Fantasy first: I’m in a keeper league half point ppr and 2 QBs and I can keep one of these players with no penalty. Zac Stacy, josh Gordon, Cam, or Doug Martin. Who should I keep?

Not a bad slate of options. I’m highest on Josh Gordon, but in a 2-QB league, you should keep Cam. That position is just too valuable to leave to the draft alone.

Relationships: I’ve been dating this girl for about 5 months and things are going great. She’s 26, smart, attractive, fun to be around and I could really see myself having a future with her. I’ve never felt like this about a girl before. She’s also finishing up med school in a couple months and there’s a good chance she’s going to be moving away for her residency. She’s applied all over the country and could end up anywhere.

Im 25 and have lived in the Midwest my whole life and im debating going with her but I really don’t know if I can just drop everything and go with her though. I’ve got a pretty good job and all my friends and family are still here. Making it even harder is the fact that my mom has a variety of health problems and I’m an only child who feels like I have a responsibility to take care of her. My girlfriends residency lasts 3 years and I guess we could do the long distance thing for awhile but eventually I’d have to make this decision.

One positive about going is I haven’t been able to get a job in the field I went to college for (emergency management) and a lot of the places she could move have more opportunities for me than where I’m at now so it could benefit me to go. But a big negative I see is she’s going to be working 80 or 90 hour weeks and I won’t know anyone wherever we move. Would it be crazy to just move with her in a few months or should I wait and see if things progress to the point of getting engaged and then move after some long distance?

Here are my thoughts:

  • In general, I believe living in different places and pushing yourself outside your comfort zone is a good life experience.
  • If you’re five months into a relationship (or even 9-10, when you’d be making the decision) and considering moving to be with a girlfriend, you should be DAMN sure you’re in love.
  • Living together for the first time + not having friends in the area + you maybe not having a job + her working 80-hour weeks ≠ the ideal recipe for love. I’m not saying it can’t work, but you’re jacking up the degree of difficulty pretty high.

The other problem I have is her parents. They live in another state so I haven’t had to meet them yet. She’s indian and I am not and I think that might already be a problem for them.

I don’t want to stereotype Indian parents, but …

outlook

They also don’t like that I’ve only got a bachelors degree and she’ll be a doctor. My girlfriend says There’s a chance they wouldn’t approve of marriage unless I went to grad school. My girlfriend says she doesn’t care if I do or not but I worry they’ll be able to sway her. I asked her if she would go against there wishes and she said she would if it came to it but if that’s what it took to get them to like me she would prefer me to just do it to avoid conflict. I wouldn’t mind going to grad school but I think that would be ridiculous to do just to please my wife’s parents. Or maybe I’m wrong and that’s just a compromise I have to make. How do you think I should deal with her parents?
Thanks,
Not a doctor

Here are good reasons to go to grad school:

  • You need a graduate degree to get a job in your field.
  • You have thousands upon thousands of dollars you don’t need.
  • You have thousands upon thousands of dollars you don’t need, and you don’t want a real job.
  • You have thousands upon thousands of dollars you don’t need, and you want to bang undergrads.

“Going to grad school to gain approval from girlfriend’s rigidly demanding parents” doesn’t make my list, and in fact sounds more like the basis of a dumb romantic comedy. But hey, maybe I’m underestimating your love and undervaluing a graduate education.