Philip Rivers. Antonio Gates
Oh god, we’re all going to die.

Last Week: 2-2
Last Week’s Stupid Ass Single-Game Parlay: LOSS

About that… Hey, five games over .500 to finish the season. That’s good enough to have only lost a very small amount of money if you’re careful.

Stupid Ass Single Game-Parlays Overall: 2-11
Overall: 29-24-2

Onward, friends.

Stupid Ass Single-Game Parlay of the Week

San Diego Chargers +7 and UNDER 47.5 points

The Bengals are undefeated at home, but these are the playoffs and the Bengals don’t win playoff games. The last meeting between these teams was also San Diego’s last loss. And while both quarterbacks were pretty lousy in that game, I’m more comfortable trusting Rivers in a playoff game over Dalton.

Home Favorite of the Week

Indianapolis Colts -1.5 vs. Kansas City Chiefs

The Chiefs are back in the playoffs, which is also their favorite place to lose. In addition to their historical shortcomings, this version of the Chiefs looks pretty shitty. They’ve lost five of seven since their bye week, and beating the Redskins and Raiders should only count as 1 win no matter how many points you score.

Home Dog of the Week

Green Bay Packer +3 vs. San Francisco 49ers

wisconsin seems nice

People LIVE in this place. Weird frigid people. The Packers haven’t been able to stop Colin Kaepernick (or anyone else) for a couple of years. Maybe Wisconsin’s fucked to hell climate can help. They won’t have Clay Matthews, but they will have the threat of crippling frostbite on their side.

Road Dog of the Week

New Orleans Saints +3 at Philadelphia Eagles

The Eagles “won” the NFC East the way a kid wins the election for secretary of the sophomore class. Because the only people who bothered to run against him are kids from the special needs class. Not that I’m comparing special needs kids to the Cowboys, Redskins and Giants. That’s fucked up.

Literal Dog(s) of the Week

big dog huge stick

Respect this dog’s stick game.

Fantasy Matchup of the Week

Fantasy season has come to a merciful end. Now we set our sights to coming up with next year’s stupid pun. In the meantime, I am trying to convince my wife that Cassius is an acceptable name for our firstborn. She’s being difficult.

Pro Tip of the Week

Try as I might, I’m probably not going to be able to help you make any money. However, I can offer tips that will help you out in other walks of life. It could be a recommendation on something to read, advice on lighting for your home, something useful I learned on the internet, or, more likely, something about food.

actual advice mallard

Hmmm, no that’s too sensible. I should probably find you some sort of unnecessarily complex seasonal drink to try. Yes, this should do.

Top image from AP via SI’s game gallery.