the two saddest men in new jersey espn

Easily the two saddest men in New Jersey. But hey, sweet swag, guys. Old Spice for days.

Last Week: Can’t miss player prop bets.

About that… I feel very strongly that betting on a pop star’s hat choice is a better idea than betting on the outcome of the game itself. That and the thing about the announcers never talking about marijuana, obviously.

Playoffs: 4-3-1
Overall: 33-27-3

Onward, friends.

Seattle Seahawks +3 vs. Denver Broncos

For all the talk about Classy Peyton Manning vs. Thuggish Richard Sherman and Ruggish Marshawn Lynch, nobody is talking about the whole power run game and historically dominant defense versus the up-tempo glory boy passing offense. Unless they are. I haven’t watched ESPN in weeks. Is Chris Berman fat again?

UNDER 47 points

It’s going to be hard scoring points as the players maneuver around patches of ice and sentient snow creatures. And kicking field goals? Outdoors? GOOD LUCK. We all know that Matt Prater can’t kick the ball very far when it’s cold outside.

One More Stupid Prop Bet

The first quarter will end in a tie. +250

This is more of a hopeful plea than a bet. Buuuut, it certainly is interesting. The possibility of getting 2.5x your money and getting to enjoy a competitive game seems like a good way to get your Super Bowl off on the right foot. Plus, if you win this one you can roll your winnings over to some fun halftime bets (Flea takes his cock out at 100000/1, please). For what it’s worth, the odds on a halftime tie are 6/1.

Craft Beer Matchup

DENVER

I really like Elysian’s Immortal IPA and Georgetown’s Manny’s Pale Ale, but Denver wins and covers whatever imaginary spread you’d like to assign. Steer clear of Oskar Blues due to the generally high alcohol content of their beers and pick up something from Avery, even if it is from nearby Boulder. Let Ellie’s Brown Ale and Joe’s Pilsner carry you through the day and into the night.

Literal Dog(s) of the Week

good dog

Wait until you see him clean his balls. (via Reddit)

Rejected Baby Name of the Week

This week’s rejected name for Baby Kogod: Dante

My wife won’t even let me name a pet Dante. This was established very early in the relationship, and I still stuck by her. How could someone say no to this face?

Pro Tip of the Week

Try as I might, I’m probably not going to be able to help you make any money. However, I can offer tips that will help you out in other walks of life. It could be a recommendation on something to read, advice on lighting for your home, something useful I learned on the internet, or, more likely, something about food.

Make more flavorful guacamole.

Just as I do for my chili, I turn to Kenji from Serious Eats to make my guac taste better. And just like the chili (see today’s chilikakke), the power lies in the paste. Instead of chopping up your aromatics (onions, shallots, jalapenos, cilantro, garlic or whatever else you use), mash them up into a paste and fold that into your mashed avocados. You’ll get much better flavor throughout the dip, and you don’t risk biting into a big piece of raw something or other.

Top photo via ESPN.