(via Getty Image)


All it takes is a Kirk Cousins injury for the Sex Cannon to resume cumslinging on the field, in the stands, in cheerleaders’ hair. Being pent up and inactive for so long, you have to worry in a dome that he could flood the place. In case there was any doubt that age and irrelevance might have tamed his throwgasm game, behold this quote:


Cousins going down with a serious injury would also be the most appropriate way for Mike Shanahan to get fired, not to mention the fastest. Shanny would get the Lane Kiffin treatment without a doubt. Scratch that, Dan Snyder would have him detained in one of his jets then have it flown into a mountain. Mike Shanahan would have been responsible for destroying RGIII, formerly the lone hope for a broken franchise, and Kirk Cousin’s trade value. Shanny only admitted his mistake with forcing RGIII to play late last season once his desire to get out of town became overpowering. In daring Snyder to fire him, he claims to be concerned for Griffin’s health now that tanking is the only reasonable course of action for the Redskins. That means pushing Cousins into action. The best-case scenario: he plays well in three Washington wins to close out the season and the Redskins have a viable option at QB in case RGIII wants out, or they have trade bait that could fetch them possibly a second-round pick. Of course, worst case: he sucks or gets hurt and the Redskins are doomed for the same shitty controversy next year with a different coach.

Kyle Shanahan, meanwhile, isn’t even waiting for his dad to get canned before letting the media know he’s striking out on his own next year.

By far the most intriguing and important game of the early slate has the Patriots traveling to Miami with New England’s track for the top seed and the Dolphins’ hopes for a Wild Card at stake. The Dolphins have lost seven straight to the Patriots, including the first matchup of the season when the Dolphins led 17-3 at half. Miami has won three of its last four since handing the Schiano Men their first win of the year. The only loss in that span came in a tight game against the Panthers. The effect of Gronk’s absence on the Patriots offense will be the most scrutinized aspect of the game. And by that, I mean the easiest way for pundits to explain away Tom Brady losing a critical game on the road.

Finally, it’s the return of Jay Cutler as the Bears face the Browns with Jason Campbell playing actually pretty well. You’d never have expected it the way Campbell played backing up Cutler last year with the Bears. In that way, it’s kind of sad that Josh McCown isn’t starting. A battle of suddenly competent quarterbacks would have been more fun.

Your early game slate, as rated by KSK’s not-at-all subjective, rigorously scientificated five-star system:

Washington at Atlanta * (five stars if Grossman has to play)
Chicago at Cleveland **
Houston at Indianapolis **
Buffalo at Jacksonville *
New England at Miami ****
Philadelphia at Minnesota **
Seattle at New York Giants **
San Francisco at Tampa Bay **