A groundhog was ripped out of its hole or “burrow” because some rube wanted to have it predict the Super Bowl. See, we can’t have a major sporting event without having lower life form arbitrarily giving hope to fan bases, and that’s the news cycle we live in. The result is more of an Andie MacDowell when we were all hoping for more of a Chris Elliott. Makes sense that the thing would choose two teams that aren’t likely to be top seeds, because a groundhog is pretty much an “under dog”. Har har har.
/tells dad joke because they are the male version of the biological clock
Faunae are probably the worst gambling partners to have. Forget their tiny brains for a moment, and let’s consider all the ways you can get your thumbs or legs broken by bookies if you consider partnering up with creatures great and small.
Rabbits are probably the worst animal out there for gambling abilities. They’re considered “lucky” and superstitious people are never any good at winning money. Pick a rabbit and you’ll probably end up living in a cardboard box. Bonus: you get to eat rabbit at least once!
These miserable little turncoats will jump ship on you in your time of need. They’re probably Saints fans, but only recently. Stick with them and you’ll end up taking all the financial loss because the bookie can only find you.
Cats will yawn at you while you pull your hair out over some team going for needless two point conversion tries. Plus they convinced you that you shouldn’t have started McCown in your fantasy league this week and that’s why you’re not going to the playoffs.
Turtles, Armadillos, Hedgehogs:
Basically anything that can curl up into a ball of spiny or hard-shelled defence is going to be useless to you once you have to pay up with whatever’s left of your mortgage money.
You can’t bet on referees, although that would be a fun fantasy league. 1 point per call, 4 points for going under the hood, 7 points for throwing their hat instead of a flag, lose automatically if league issues a statement later that week admitting there was a wrong call.
Seriously, people are just a composite of all of these terrible qualities when you’re gambling.
I want more like this!
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