I hate power rankings.  So lets make some.

I’m kinda an artist or whatever who sometimes takes the NFL logos and ruins them for Internet lols. In Internet culture, that means I’m a super graphic designer and that my opinion on the matter is law. So lets lay down some law. Lets power rank the hell out of these logos.

cowboys
1. The Cowboys star: Classic. utterly classic. You can hate the cowboys all you want, but goddamn do they have a great logo. They don’t need no fancy angry face or letters, just a goddam sherriff star. All the other logos squabble but when Cowboys stroll into town, you know who the boss is. I’d have sex with this logo, but it would probably poke me.

raiders

2. The Raiders Shield: Shield logos rule and if you don’t think so than you probably drool. The Raiders logo has remained essentially unchanged since 1964 and for good reason, it owns. Although a one eye’d football pirate probably wouldn’t be very effective at football, you need depth perception or something. Probably.

packers
3. The Packers G: Georgia is a bunch of posers, the original G was up in the great white north. The G is just great classic stuff, recognizable across the world as the logo for that team with the fat cheese fans.

colts
4. The Colts horseshoe: Is there anything to say here other than I hope drunk crazy Robert Irsay doesn’t change it? The Colts logo has been a staple since Johnny Unitas set the league on fire with the best football name in history (Outside Dick Butkus of course). While part of me really wants to turn the logo on it’s side to make a C, Chicago already has a moratorium on C logos and the Colts logo is extremely recognizable as it is. Great stuff.

Saints
5. The Saints Fleur de lis: The Fleur de lis is a great symbol. It’s quite French. There is a french quarter to New Orleans. So clearly the logo must be french. While the Fleur is a great logo, it’s also not the most original of logos, so that docks the Saints a few points. Also, the logo should totally be beads and or boobs, lets be honest. Maybe both. Maybe the logo should just be a drunk person.

dolphins
6. The Dolphins Dolphin: Man, this was one of the best logos in football. That dolphin was adorable, it even had a helmet cause it cared about safety. The new logo took the personality out of it. It looks kinda like a local Miami bank logo. But overall it’s still in the upper tiers of our logos, because it’s still good. The sun behind it looks nice, the Dolphin is sleeker now. It was a shame to remove a top 5 logo, but the new one is still pretty solid.

bucs
7. The Buccaneers Flag: The Bucs are one of the few teams that survived the turn of the century redesign phase with their dignity intact. While I don’t think the flag logo matched the majesty that was Bucco Bruce, they still managed to keep a good pirate theme and have a unique look. I like it. But it’s not Bucco Bruce, so some points off.

Bills
8. The Bills Buffalo: I like it. Points for being a buffalo, because I have no idea what a Bill is. I would probably not like the logo much if it was Bill from marketing or something. It could have been a boring animal logo, but someone smart decided the Buffalo horns needed a super action stripe on the side and now it’s awesome. The stripe really pulls it together and makes me think of those classic sci fi shows where space ships would go hyperdrive and leave a trace line effect. The Buffalo is going hyperdrive. Of course, since it’s the Bills, they are hyperdriving into a wall.

chargers
9. The Chargers lightning: Looking back on the Chargers old logos, it would appear that Chargers are horses. I’m glad they decided to go with the lightning bolt, because even though it looks like Gatorade or the Power Rangers it’s still better than an angry animal head. Also, if you could be lightning or a horse, you’d always choose lightning. Lightning is awesome.

browns
10. The Browns…uh…hold on here: Technically the Browns logo is the Browns helmet. Because the Browns don’t have to gussy themselves up. They don’t need to show off. They get straight to the point. Of course, they can’t gussy up, they can’t show off, because the point is they are the Browns. But that has nothing to do with the logo, the logo is nice.

giants
11. The New York Giants NY: Man, how the mighty fell. Back in the cool days of Lawrence Taylor doing cocaine the Giants logo meant something. It was a big gigantic GIANTS in bold letters, italicized, and underlined. That’s all 3 main microsoft word formatting options in the same logo. THAT IS GIANT. THAT IS IN YOUR FACE. Now? it’s just a lowercase ny. Are you kidding me? One of the greatest cities in the world and the best you can do is a lowercase ny? Maybe that’s the point, actually. Maybe the point is “we know how great we are, we don’t need no fancy in your face logo to compensate for our small team penis”. Also Eli Manning probably writes with crayons and doesn’t understand uppercase letters. Okay Giants, you win on this one. Also extra points for being a vintage logo and not being an angry animal face.

chiefs
12. The Kansas City Arrowhead: It’s alright. The letters don’t interlock, and first rule of logos with letters like that is that they must interlock. Anything else is bush league. But overall the logo isn’t bad. It incorporates some native american imagery to add to the punch.

bears
13. The Chicago Bears C: Classic logo, may not have much to do with bears but it’s not like Chicago has a large bear population. A big C is pretty simple and nice, represents the city with one nice letter, and that little point on the backside of the letter makes me swoon. But it’s a little asymmetrical if you look at it closely, and that bugs me.

steelers
14. The Steelers…thing: Honestly, I kind of like the Steelers logo in an abstract way. But then I remember that it doesn’t make any sense. The 3 diamond thingies apparently represent multiple different things, according to this site. Essentially the Steelers aped a logo from somewhere else, changed the word from Steel to Steelers, and promptly confused everyone ever since.

redskins
15. The Redskins racist caricature: Ignoring the whole racism controversy, the Redskins logo is easily the best angry head logo. It feels like an ancient coin, like a quarter. Which is funny, because we gave them no quarter. DAMN IT THIS IS A HARD ISSUE TO IGNORE, PEOPLE. Anyway the feathers off to the side are a nice touch, if a tad redundant since the head also has feathers. But the face is proud and quite elegant, it’s a good logo when you get past the whole racism thingy.

49ers
16. The San Francisco SF: At first glance you’d be all “Wow, what a classic look”, but then you’d feel a twitch in your eye and you’d piss your pants because your mind may not understand, but your body does. This logo isn’t bad because it’s bad, but because it’s a let down. SF is one of the most visually interesting cities in the country. It’s full of weird people, has the golden gate bridge, and all kinds of cool stuff. Also, with the team name of 49ers, there is so much more fantastic imagery to mine from (PUN COMPLETELY INTENDED). So a boring SF in a circle just comes across as a wasted opportunity. The Chiefs logo does the same thing but manages to incorporate at least some imagery by making it an arrowhead. The SF circle is just dull.

bengals
17. The Bengals B: I was pleasantly surprised to find out that the primary Bengals logo is in fact not the Angry Animal Head I expected it to be, but the striped B instead. Good show, Cincy. Letters are much better than angry heads. Really, the B is not the most invigorating of logos out there, but it gets auto points for not being angry animal head.

vikings
18. The Vikings Viking: An Angry Human Head. But it’s cool, because it’s got a kickass mustache and a strong, manly jawline. it’s a logo I want on my side.

texans
19. The Texans Bull: ANGRY ANIMAL HEAD. not the worst offender though, and I like the subtle touch of the Texas state flag in the color scheme. It’s more of an abstract head instead of just a head, so I give it points for that. Not many though, cause it’s still boring.

Falcons
20. The Falcons Bird: The Falcons logo gets some points for being a full bird instead of just another angry animal face. But it also tries to be a letter, and fails miserably. Sure, the first time you realize it’s supposed to resemble an F is cool, like you found the secret passageway in an old house and won the treasure. But then you realize that you didn’t figure it out yet because it’s a terrible F. It’s slanted, and the Talon for the lower line on the F is just…eh. My emotions are not riled. If this logo was pizza, it would be cheese.

titans
21. The Titans flaming thumbtack: This is the exception to the “Shields logos rule” rule. Mostly because it doesn’t really look like a shield, it looks like a comet with a thumbtack on it. To this day I sit and cry in my bathroom with my rubber ducky that not only did Bud Adams take our precious Oil Rig logo away from us, but he replaced it with a sassy thumbtack and insists on using the sassy thumbtack when they have one of the best alternate logos in the league waiting in the wings. My doctor says I need to stop this, but I stabbed him with a thumbtack yelling “SEE HOW MUCH IT PAINS YOU” and he’s left me alone since then.

lions
22. The Lions Lion: Points for being a full animal instead of just an angry head. More points for the recent redesign where they added some sweet action lines to the body so you could see the Lion better, the previous iteration just looked like a weird silhouette full of bumps and blobs. However, the Lions lose points for not giving the Lion wheels, because anything Detroit associated should have wheels on it. Wheels are cool. I’d root for wheel lion.

panthers
23. The Panthers Panther: ANGRY ANIMAL HEAD. AKA THE WORST. Overall I like the new Panthers logo better than the old one, because it’s a little sleeker and it makes the Panther creepier. Why does the Panther have no pupils? IS IT A GHOST PANTHER? HELP THIS LOGO SCARES ME

rams
24. The Rams head: ANGRY ANIMAL HEAD. Honestly, of all the Angry Animal Heads, this one probably bothers me the least. The Ram headbutt has been around for a long time, and it fits the animal pretty well. A well chosen angry animal head, but still an angry animal head.

eagles
25. The Eagles Eagle head: ANGRY ANIMAL HEAD. Fun fact: the Eagles logo is the only logo (primary logo, the Bengals old logo faced left) that faces left. Shows how backwards the Eagles are. Or how non-conformist they are. But left or right, still a stupid angry animal head.

seahawks
26. The Seahawks Head: ANGRY ANIMAL HEAD. The old apathetic Seahawk logo was better, and actually carried some resemblance to the native american design that influenced it’s style. Now it’s just another angry animal head. Burn all angry animal heads. Russell Wilson can’t turn this boring snoozefest into something magical.

jags
27. The Jaguars Jag head: ANGRY ANIMAL HEAD. But hey, the Jags logo is better then the old version. If the Jags main logo had actually been the shield version, this would be higher, because the shield is super nice and vintage looking. Instead, we just have sleek angry animal face. Boring.

broncos
28. The Broncos Elway Face: ANGRY ANIMAL HEAD. One of the horrible 90’s victims of angry animal face redesigned logos. Angry Animal Faces are boring and don’t generate much discussion. Ban all Angry Animal Faces.

pats
29. The Patriots head: ANGRY…..HUMAN HEAD. Okay so it’s not an angry animal head but it’s still pretty lame. It’s just a face. Not a fancy face with any personality, just a blank face. The Patriots lost something when they took away Pat Patriot. They gained a lot of wins, but I doubt Boston cares about those.

Ravens
30. The Ravens B Raven: ANGRY ANIMAL FACE. lame. nothing to say really, except that the Alt logo is waaaaaaaay better. Shield logos for president. The Ravens main logo is just kind of ugly.

Cards
31. The Cardinals Cardinal: ANGRY ANIMAL HEAD. Not even trying to be interesting. Extremely dull.

jets
32. The New York Jets Piece of boring garbage: Why do New York logos suck? NY is a rich place, and a Jet is a very identifiable icon, why is this logo so dull? I looked up Boring in the dictionary and found the definition of boring. Then I checked the thesaurus for boring and found this copy pasted 20 times.  Maybe this is why the Jets are such a trainwreck, because they have to make up for how utterly boring this logo is. I guess it’s trying to harken back to the good old days where everything had a football shape, but just ends up looking like a design school project by a boring person.

Essentially, if you can’t tell, I hate angry animal heads. They are boring, lazy representations for teams. We have a team that can be represented in head form? MAKE IT SO. That’s why I prefer the letters or symbols more. While it may be harder for me to photoshop Peyton Manning’s face on them, they feel more unique.

Also none of it matters because Bucco Bruce remains the greatest logo to ever live. I will remember your forever, sweet prince.
BRUCE

Your turn to tell me why I’m wrong and why my list sucks.