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Bob McNair: Hey, can someone get Lovie Smith on the line? Let’s hurry this up before other teams start their coaching searches.

Assistant: Right away sir, he’s on line 2.

Bob McNair: Perfect. Coach Smith! How are you doing? Has the year off been treating you well?

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Lovie Smith: Fine.

McNair: Great, great. I’m sure you’ve seen what’s been going on this year with our franchise, and we think you’re the perfect fit for Kubiak’s replacement.

Lovie: Oh gosh, that’d be nice.

McNair: So here’s the deal. Our defensive talent is in pretty good shape with JJ working the front lines and Joseph in the backfield. We got the pieces, but we need the mastermind to really take us back to that competitive level.

Lovie: And I’ll be able to install Cover 2?

McNair: Well we have more of a 3-4 scheme that would…

Lovie: [soft thud sound]

McNair: Coach Smith?

Lovie: Challenge.

McNair: What?

Lovie: I disagree with your ruling on the defensive scheme.

McNair: Did you just toss a challenge flag? You know I can’t see that over the phone.

Lovie: Hmmm…

McNair: Whatever, don’t worry about it right now Coach Smith. As long as it’s as good as those classic Bears defenses we’ll give you the flexibility to shape the team to your liking.

Lovie: I got some ideas in mind. Can we sign Adam Archuleta?

McNair: Hasn’t he been out of the league for… hold on I got a text.

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McNair: We’re not signing Archuleta.

Lovie: Oh well.

McNair: Look Lovie, these are minor issues right now. I know you’ll do great with the defense. As for our offense, we’re pretty strong with Foster, Andre and the gang but we really just need to focus on QB. We’re sitting in a good spot to pick one up in the draft.

Lovie: Rex is our quarterback.

McNair: Huh?

Lovie: Rex is our quarterback.

McNair: Grossman? [takes a deep breath] Good point. We’ll keep this simple. You don’t have to worry about drafting anyone on offense.

Lovie: A what?

McNair: Nevermind. Can someone get Gruden on the phone?

[Snapchat flies open]

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Sex Cannon: Hey Bobby, the Dragon’s been hibernating too long. Game of Thrones shit is ready to be unleashed on the world once again. Twenty Houston coeds just got pregnant at the thought of my arrival.

 

[images via here, here and here]