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Well, it’s finally here: the end of the fantasy football season. I’m relieved it’s almost over, but I’m already missing it, too. Looking back on this season, I’d like to publicly thank Jamaal Charles for buoying three of my teams, LeSean McCoy for justifying my prediction he’d be a top-3 back, Keenan Allen for salvaging multiple wide receiver corps after I drafted Roddy White and Hakeem Nicks, and Trent Richardson for f*cking NOTHING AT ALL.

But let’s get to your excellent crop of emails. This week we open from two emails that arrived too late to get into last week’s ‘bag, so I edited out the now-irrelevant fantasy questions. After that, you’ll be treated to maybe the most heartwarming moment in KSK mailbag history. And just in time for Christmas! HUZZAH!

Captain Matt,
Sex: I had been wanting to write in today with a fantasy question, but I just didn’t feel like I had a meaty enough relationship question to go with it. LUCKILY, about an hour ago, my girlfriend of 5 years decided to finally tell me that a few months ago she fucked one of my closest friends (she and said friend are both readers of this blog: hi dickheads!).

While I appreciate the awkwardness of this situation, I would ask that future emailers avoid making the KSK mailbag the consigliere to those who have wronged you (or those you have wronged).

A LITTLE BACKGROUND: Girlfriend finished up a master’s in our East coast home city that rhymes with Schmoston back in May. We had been expecting a need to relocate when she finally got a job offer, and she ended up getting one from a hospital in LA. We weren’t excited about that as our destination,

You should be. LA owns the shit out of Boston (and I say that as someone who hates a lot of LA things and loves a lot of Boston things).

but over the previous couple of years, about a half dozen of our friends had relocated there and that was a good enough reason for her to say yes to the job. She had to move that week, and was able to stay with said friends. So I stayed a few months in Boston to pack up the apartment and send her all her clothes and fucking shoes. I finally packed up with car with all of our shit and drove across the country (only good part of my year it now seems).

I’ve said this several times throughout the mailbag’s history, but it’s worth repeating: driving across America at some time in your life is highly recommended. Eisenhower doesn’t nearly get enough credit for championing the Interstate Highway System, and it’s impossible to spend enough time in our national parks.

Anyhoo, back to your life, and how it got destroyed. Sorry.

Things were pretty rocky, but the last couple weeks we had been getting along better and were finally settling into life a bit. Apparently she thought the mailbag had been too tame recently, because she dropped on me that before I got here she fucked one of my friends she was staying with. We’ve never had any problems before this. We moved in together after one year of dating, and had lived together 4 years before we moved to LA. I’m still shivering with rage at the moment, but because my phone is currently broken (cherry on the shit sundae), the most therapeutic thing I could do was write into the mailbag. So, I guess my question is: what the fuck? I’ve never been cheated on, and never even been dumped to be honest. Other than the Ufford Pyramid of Greatness, what is my first step after waking up with the worst hangover of my life tomorrow?
– Not Even Bothering with a Pseudonym

You didn’t state it explicitly, but I’m going to assume from your tone that reconciliation is out of the question.

So, welcome to Dumpsville, population: you. But not JUST you — almost everyone on Earth who’s dated more than one person has spent time in Dumpsville, a dilapidated city of wrecks and transients drinking themselves blind in loveless apartments cast in perma-darkness. Don’t sign a lease, but know that you’ll probably be there for a while, because heartbreak’s a motherfucker.

The good news, leaving that metaphor behind, is that you ACTUALLY live in Los Angeles, which — yes — is a sprawling smoggy trafficscape with too many vapid people. But that trafficscape is filled with golden light, and it abuts the ocean and mountains you can hike all year long, and those vapid people are jaw-droppingly beautiful (and some of them aren’t vapid at all).

Most break-ups are tied to a place — you walk (or drive) through familiar neighborhoods, and every building stirs a memory of the person who’s gone: there’s our favorite restaurant, there’s where we watched that foreign film, we used to meet in that bar after work, there’s her first apartment, et cetera for months and months. Brother, you didn’t get broken up with; you got a gift: a whole new life in a new city. You get to start over. Make new friends, explore the music scene (LA has a terrific one), learn to surf, get a new haircut or a new wardrobe, be whoever the hell you want. You are reborn, sir. All you have to do is look forward to happiness instead of back on the sadness.

**********

Greetings, Cap. How are you?

Slightly harried and looking forward to the end of fantasy football. Otherwise: very well, thank you.

Sex: I met a girl in the library on my college campus studying for the same test as me a couple weeks ago. We exchanged numbers and talked a little bit before making plans to go on a date yesterday. She suggested a specific sandwich spot at a specific time (3PM), and I agreed to meet here there. It was a 15 minute walk from my place of residence, and once there I waited for 35 minutes without any word from her. I called her once and texted her once, didn’t get an answer, and walked back home. I finally get a text from her at 5:30 PM saying “haha sorry I just woke up”. I feel pretty disrespected, is that a reasonable reaction?

Yes.

Should I try to organize another date or what? (She’s much better looking than I am, FWIW.) Thanks for your help.
Sincerely,
Rob Gronkowski’s ACL

I don’t like rushing to judgment on people for a single incident, but the kind of person who oversleeps a 3:00 p.m. date by two and a half hours — or the kind of person who lies about it and thinks it believable and funny — lends herself to certain assumptions, because that kind of blatant discourtesy is a huge and telling data point. I’m making assumptions about her now: she’s charming but careless with others’ emotions, selfish but hard to stay mad at, outwardly confident with a jealous streak… We’ve all met a Beautiful Asshole at some point in our lives, and dating one is an invitation to non-stop drama in your life.

On the other hand, someone who oversleeps a 3:00 date by two and a half hours is probably a LOT of fun to party with. So I guess it just depends on what you’re looking for.

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Season’s Greetings Uff diver,
Sex: I wrote into this mailbag (last email) a couple of weeks back, I was the guy with the pregnant girlfriend who didnt know whether she wanted to keep it. In the days leading up to the mailbag she was pretty adamant about having an abortion, and even though I was heartbroken about it I had decided that I would rather keep her with the possibility a kid later than not having her at all.

Then i read the comments along with what you wrote. That night we had a loooong talk where we put our cards on the table. I told her I loved her and that I’d be there to see this through. But I was honest about the fact that if we terminated I would probably always regret it. And deep down, I could not say with absolute confidence that our relationship would’ve survived in the long run. I wanted to thank you and a commenter named SundayLeftovers in particular who shared his experience and helped me through this. And guess what? We’re having a baby! 

I thought you should know that this mailbag is now directly responsible for this critter. How does it feel to know that if this kid sucks at life it’s all gonna be your fault? JK.

grinch-heart

Well that’s just the best damn thing I’ve read all week. Congratulations to you and your baby mama, and I think I speak for the Kommentariat when I wish all the best in the world to you and your new family.

One request: Suzy if it’s a girl.

Fantasy: You were right, I wasn’t able to salvage my season. Is it too early to ask about keepers? Is Nick Foles one of them? What about Julio Jones?

It’s a bit too early, I think. Foles seems like a good call, but that could change if Chip Kelly calls Marcus Mariota and convinces him to enter the draft so the Eagles can grab him. Same thing with Julio: he seems like a good call, but I think I’d want to track his offseason rehab a little more before committing an early-round keeper to him.

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Captain,
Merry Christmas and happy holidays. I wrote in at the beginning of the season as GWRDHSLMRHD.

In case you don’t remember: Packers fan with a kick-ass fantasy team who wanted to take his dad to a game in his ex-girlfriend’s place of residence and also have sex with her on the same trip.

To follow-up, I didn’t wind up making the trip because my dad’s girlfriend had the same gift idea, but I’ll probably follow your ex sex advice when we’re both home over Christmas and see how it goes.

Great! Good luck.

Football: this shouldn’t really come as a surprise, but my team in that 8 (not 6) team league ran roughshod over everyone all season (Peyton, Beast Mode, Jamaal, Cruz, Jordy, Graham, and poor Cobb), only to miss out on what would have been the only perfect season I’ve ever heard of in fantasy in the last game of the regular season and fall to 12-1. I’ll almost certainly win the championship regardless, but am I allowed to cause any sort of physical harm to my friend that beat me in week 13? I hate switching up the sports metaphors on you, but I feel like I lost a perfect game in the ninth inning on a bunt single, and it makes me very sad. 

Nah, winning your fantasy league is like the Super Bowl: the championship matters, not the final record. Only the douchiest Chicago fan would bitch about the ’85 Bears being 15-1, you know? The only time you should be upset about losing a perfect season is when it happens in the championship, AKA “Patsing it up.”

And so I can ask an actual fantasy question, who should I start at flex in the championship of my other league (0.5 PPR, small bonus for going over 100 yards): Gio (MIN), Fitty (@SEA), or Kendall Wright (@JAX)? I already have Jamaal, Forte, Andre 3000, and DeSean locked in as my other starters.

Either Bernard or Wright, who both have favorable matchups. Aside from a bad game at Denver, Wright’s been on fire recently (or at least as hot as a possession receiver in a meh offense can be). Meanhile, Bernard has been stealing snaps from BJGE (finally), and he probably offers a little more upside at home against the porous Vikings D.

Sex: I met a girl in my new city sometime in late October and hit it off really well. She invited me to a haunted house with her friends and then a Halloween party, where we had the beginnings of awesome Halloween sex (my favorite) before deciding to stop after what basically amounted to just the tip because we had already agreed to keep it classy and go on a date the next night.

Handy rule of thumb: if there’s a night where you shouldn’t keep it classy, that night is Halloween.

I’ve been seeing her off and on ever since, but conflicting work/travel/holiday schedules have only given us the opportunity for 4 real dates in that span, and I haven’t come close to having sex with her since that very first night. We talk or text almost daily, and I’d think she was on the fast track to becoming my girlfriend if only things were moving in our physical relationship.

It’s probably worth noting that she’s about a year and a half older than me and likely a little insecure about being gorgeous, extremely well-paid for her age, and somehow not married despite living in the Deep South and turning 27 on New Year’s Eve,

My God! How has she managed to keep her looks intact at such an advanced age!?!

and that I haven’t really had anything resembling a real relationship since things ended with the aforementioned last college ex over two years ago and am still transitioning to being an actual grown up. Also worth noting that even though our communications are initiated with more or less of a 50/50 split and she accepts just about any invite I extend her way, I haven’t been invited back out with her friends (possibly because my friend I brought to the Halloween party was a drunken asshole and insulted everyone there), and also haven’t seen her on the weekends (just missing her 1:30 AM texts the last two weekends when I’ve already been incapacitated).

So she’s really busy, accepts your dates but doesn’t ask you out, and never hangs out on the weekends except for texting you at 1:30 a.m.

The good news is that she’s down to hang out with you. The bad news is you’re her last resort.

I had heard real world women went by this 3 dates and then sex rule, but in my case the third date was just fooling around a little bit on my couch and then her asking to put her shirt back on so we didn’t move too fast, which didn’t really make sense to me considering that we already had moved that fast the first time we ever hooked up. We haven’t had any talks of exclusivity and I’m trying to play it cool, but she didn’t outright invite me to spend her birthday/NYE with her,

Give it time. Maybe the other guys she’s asking before you can’t make it.

and I would think she would like to clue me in for something like that if things were really moving in the right direction (I’m making plans in another city to avoid that potentially awkward conversation). In short, I don’t have any idea how functional adult relationships are supposed to work, so I’m trying to figure out if I’ve somehow been friend zoned by a girl I’ve already had sex with that still gives me awesome make out/cuddle/ other high school action every time I see her, or if she really is just trying to move things along slowly and I just need to suck it up and wait for her to open up a little bit more.
– guy trying to make the leap

You don’t need to worry about the friend zone. You’re merely on the back burner: she gives you a little stir every once in a while to keep you from congealing, but you’re not what she wants for dinner.

These are the stupid games that people play in between “functional adult relationships,” as you call them. I recommend being less responsive to her texts and generally less into her: it will either help you distance yourself and make it easier to move on, or it will make her desperate not to lose you as an option, thus leading to sex.

(For the record: this is both incredibly cynical and typically effective.)

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Hello Captain,
Fantasy first, I made the championship in two leagues this year, but also crashed and burned into 9th place in another. Such is fantasy. I am having the craziest time deciding between 3 guys in a full point PPR league. Shane Vereen, Andre Brown, and C.J. Spiller. I could also play just one of those guys and play either Michael Crabtree or Rod Streater. I am at a loss.

I’d probably go Vereen and Brown.

As for sex, I wanted to ask about some very close friends of ours – a husband and wife with kids. Very, very close to us, where the wives started off being friends, and we eventually got so close that the husband was one of my groomsmen. Well, she cheated on him and they are currently separated. Obviously puts us in a terrible position, but we are trying to not pick sides, and tell them things like go to therapy, define their separation etc. Well, they want to visit my wife and I over the holidays, kids in tow.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPE.

This has the potential to explode in our faces, and wanted to know if you had any advice for how to make it not terrible?

Yes. Don’t let them inside your house during the holidays.

I don’t think telling them no will go well, either with them or with my wife. Hope you are still kicking in your leagues and that Jamaal didn’t make sweet love to your face!
The Lofty Poopsmith

If it’s something you can’t win with your wife, pick your battles: the 27th is okay, but not Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. Have them over for lunch, not dinner (read: less alcohol consumption) — and then have a hard out of dinner plans.

And I’ll have you know I’ve been building fantasy teams around Jamaal Charles for the last four years, so last week was long-awaited validation of his potential. He made love to everybody ELSE’s face.

Props, however, to the twenty or thirty people who responded to me on Twitter with examples of people losing DESPITE having Jamaal Charles in their lineup. Here are two of ‘em.

 

 

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Hey Captain,
Football: In the championship round in my league this weekend. I have a pretty deep team, which has been nice for the year, but has left me with some tough decisions. For QB I’ve had A. Luck all season, but i just was able to pick up Cutler, and with Cutler getting PHI defense and Luck going against KC, I’m leaning towards Mr. DONT CARE. I also have to decide between Garcon (@DAL) or Keenan Allen (@Oak) for my last WR spot. Appreciate any tips/advice you can give.

Cutler by a mile. And though Garcon gets more targets and is up against Dallas’s AWFUL defense, I have to go with Allen. He’s simply been too good at getting in the end zone (something Garcon has struggled with).

Sexy Time: About 6 months ago I met a coworker at my firm. She was very cute, intelligent, and got my sense of humor. However, i never really considered her to be a real option because: A) We worked together and B) She had and was living with her boyfriend of 5 years. So while i enjoyed her company, that was the extent of it. Well, about two months ago, she accepted a job offer at another firm, but we remained in contact through emails and gchat. Again, nothing too crazy, just friendly banter, because again..she had a boyfriend. Flash to last Thursday when in the middle of a gchat convo, she tells me that she has news…that: 1. She’s single now 2. she’s moving out. From what she has told me, she’s the one doing the breakup. So now the two hurdles that were between me and her have been eliminated, I feel like I should make a move soon, especially since we are both currently single.

Concur.

My question to you…is there a general rule to follow on how/when to ask out someone who’s just coming out of a super long relationship? Especially one that the couple lived together, and were on the verge of getting engaged?

Yes, there is a general rule, and it is this: the suitor who tries to be respectful by giving the newly single his or her space ultimately ends up watching that person date someone who swooped in.

A lot of people act like you shouldn’t date after a break-up, like there needs to some kind of mourning period. But in practice, that’s not what happens at all. Sure, you might need to say, “I understand if you need some time before dating…” but it’s just a formality of the mating dance, akin to “I don’t ordinarily do this…”

I figure that the safe play is to try and get her to come out to some casual hangouts with my group of friends and see how she interacts around me… and just ask her out on a date if it feels right , but i guess I’m just looking to see that if you ever dealt with a similar situation or knew of anyone that had. I don’t want to come off as too eager to jump in there, but I also think we have a nice rapport built up, and it might seem awkward if I don’t make a move in the near future.
Thanks,
Eager Beaver

I think you have an excellent plan. Inviting her to a party or other group hangout is a nice icebreaker for someone whom you’ve have limited interaction with in a purely social way (i.e. not at work or online). And if nobody has a group hangout scheduled soon, then you better throw a party with a quickness. You don’t want some asshole at her new firm to get the drop on you.

**********

Esteemed Captain,
Fantasy: For all the marbles and a nice payday, need to pick a flex from the following options: Dwayne Bowe @IND, Martellus Bennett @PHI, Golden Tate @ARI.

Bowe gets an automatic no because I hate him. Tate’s been quiet lately and has a tough matchup, though a division game at the CLink seems like a great time to break out. As much as I don’t ordinarily suggest tight ends over WRs or RBs, I think Bennett’s matchup pushes him to the top of the pile.

Sex: I am recently engaged and up until recently the sex was frequent and great. She is a first year 4th grade teacher at a school that is an hour’s commute away. The combination of getting up at 5am, wrangling 25 children all day, and getting home after 6 understandably leaves her exhausted. The sex has tapered off greatly as a result. I am understanding and have discussed it with her. She has told me that she hasn’t really initiated anything because she doesn’t feel I have been initiating either. I haven’t as much as usual, out of my understanding and gauging how tired she is. She wants me to try and initiate more, but without being aggressive about it. I’m not sure what that means, but any ideas on how to subtly get her in the mood?
Good luck to your teams!
Teacher’s Pet

Lucky for you, I happen to have a wife who’s a 4th grade teacher with an hour commute. So I totally understand not initiating because you know she’s exhausted and has lessons to plan before getting to bed. You don’t want to be the selfish dick trying to get laid to the detriment of America’s youth.

Also, getting engaged is one of the worst things you can do to your sex life. It’s all hot and romantic for a week, then your brand new fiancée leaves you for Style Me Pretty, and two months later you’re like UGH WHATEVER FLOWERS I DON’T GIVE A SHIT CAN WE JUST HAVE SEX.

Anyway, it’s good that you’re talking about it and you seem to be on the same page. As I recommended in last week’s mailbag, make the absolute most of your weekends, and try to initiate earlier in the evening, rather than later, when the window to get things accomplished is decidedly narrower. Most couples begin their evening with a “how was your day?” back and forth that almost never ends in sex; see if she’d be willing to have that conversation in bed after you both relieve each other’s stress. (Speaking of which: anything you can do to lessen her stress — dishes, bills, laundry, etc. — frees her mind from tasks and puts her more at ease, and therefore more likely to be open to your overtures.) Good luck!

And good luck to all you fantasy football players in your championship games! For those of you out of the playoffs: have a merry Christmas and/or holiday season. See you next year!