Jon: WELCOME BACK TO GRUDEN TALK, THE TALK SHOW WHERE WE DISCUSS THE MOST IMPORTANT ISSUES OF THE DAY. BANDLEADER HERM EDWARDS, DID YOU WATCH NELSON MANDELA’S FUNERAL?
Herm: I LOVED THAT SIGN LANGUAGE INTERPRETER. HE CALLED SOME AUDIBLES AND I AGREE WITH THEM.
Jon: IF YOU’RE GONNA USE HAND SIGNALS, YOU GOTTA USE THEM TO MAXIMUM EFFECT. ANYWAY, WE GOT PROFESSOR CORNEL WEST HERE TO DISCUSS NELSON MANDELA’S LEGACY IN AMERICA. CORNEL, HOW ARE YOU DOING?
Cornel: I’m doing well, Jon.
Jon: THIS MADIBA, I CALL HIM MAURICE CLARETT BECAUSE HE WENT TO PRISON BUT HE USED THE EXPERIENCE TO BECOME A BETTER MAN. WHAT DO YOU THINK HIS LEGACY WILL BE?
Cornel: Nelson Mandela will go down as one of history’s greatest heroes. Everything he stood for – equality, forgiveness, love – he translated into action.
Jon: YOU ALWAYS GOTTA TRANSLATE WHAT YOU STAND FOR INTO ACTION. YOU CAN STAND FOR A VERTICAL PASSING GAME BUT YOU’RE NOT GONNA HAVE ONE WITH CHRIS SIMMS.
Herm: DON’T RUN OUT ROUTES WITH CHAD PENNINGTON.
Cornel: And in the United States, he demonstrated to the left that the right-wing was still the pro-colonial, racist party because they supported him.
Jon: RONALD REAGAN COULD’VE RUN THE BALL FOR MANDELA ON FOURTH AND ONE BUT HE PUNTED BECAUSE HE WASN’T A GRUDEN GRINDER.
Herm: OLIVER NORTH WOULD NOT WORK FOR A GRUDEN GRINDER.
Cornel: Reagan didn’t just punt on the issue. He actively supported South Africa’s apartheid regime. He showed just how cynical and corrupt his Morning in America really was.
Jon: I KNOW IT’S MORNING IN AMERICA WHEN I GET UP AT 5:00 A.M. TO WATCH TAPE. THERE’S NO WAY YOU CAN BEAT THE BRONCOS UNLESS YOU KNOW HOW TO DEFEND AGAINST THEIR ZONE-BLOCKING SCHEME.
Herm: I GOT UP AT 5:00 A.M. TO WATCH SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS.
Cornel: Because on the one hand you had Reagan, who stood for individualism and self-interest. Then you had Mandela, who stood for forgiveness and equality.
Jon: WHEN YOU HAVE OPPOSING VIEWPOINTS THEN YOU CAN’T PICK JUST ONE. YOU EITHER SUPPORT A WEST COAST OFFENSE OR A VERTICAL PASSING ATTACK. THERE’S NO MIDDLE GROUND THERE.
Herm: I JUST HOPED BRODIE CROYLE WOULDN’T THROW ANOTHER INTERCEPTION.
Cornel: And you know, in academic circles, there’s this debate involving snark and smarm. Smarm is this stultifying attitude elites use to obscure the truth. And people who say they love both Reagan and Mandela are the epitome of smarm.
Jon: I’M ON TEAM SNARK BECAUSE SMARM IS MIKE SHANAHAN SITTING RGIII A YEAR TOO LATE. I ALWAYS SAT MY QUARTERBACKS WHEN THEY WERE HURT, ESPECIALLY JEFF GARCIA BECAUSE HE WAS TERRIBLE.
Herm: JEFF GARCIA SHOULD WRITE FOR GAWKER.
Cornel: But enough about Reagan. In the end we should remember Mandela as a man capable of incredible strength, a pillar of progress and forward-minded thinking on a continent that has seen all too few of those men.
Jon: MAYBE AFRICA SHOULD START RUNNING THE ZONE-READ.
Herm: COLIN KAEPERNICK COULD ERASE THE LEGACY OF FRENCH IMPERIALISM.
Cornel: I’m sorry, but I’m lost.
Jon: THAT’S OK BECAUSE WE’RE OUT OF TIME ON GRUDEN TALK. PLAY US OFF, BANDLEADER HERM EDWARDS.
Herm: WE GONNA HAVE SPECIAL GUEST MC KILLER MIKE HIT US WITH SOME REAGAN
I want more like this!
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