grudentalk

Jon: WELCOME TO THE LAST GRUDEN TALK OF THE YEAR.  BANDLEADER HERM EDWARDS, ARE YOU DOING ANYTHING FOR NEW YEARS?

hermband

Herm: I’M PUTTING A BOTTLE ROCKET IN MY CHAMPAGNE SO THE CORK GOES EXTRA HIGH.

Jon: OF COURSE YOU ARE, YA BIG DUMMY.  ME, I’M KISSING THE WIFE AT MIDNIGHT THEN I’M WATCHING TAPE AT 12:01. GOTTA START OUT THE NEW YEAR RIGHT.  BUT WHAT I’M NOT WATCHING IS DUCK DYNASTY.  THE MAIN GUY ON THERE SAID SOME WEIRD STUFF BUT THEY’RE LETTING HIM KEEP THE SHOW.  WE BROUGHT IN MSNBC’S CHRIS HAYES TO TALK ABOUT IT. CHRIS, HOW YA DOIN’?

Chris: I’m doing well, Jon.

Jon: CHRIS, I AIN’T THE MOST POLITICALLY CORRECT GUY SO YOU GOTTA EXPLAIN TO ME WHY PHIL ROBERTSON SHOULD BE FIRED.  ANYONE WHO WAS REPLACED BY TERRY BRADSHAW IS BOUND TO BE STUPID.

Herm: TERRY BRADSHAW THREW THE BALL AT ME ALL THE TIME.

Chris: Just because you expect someone to say something stupid doesn’t mean that it can be excused.  Phil Robertson has made derogatory remarks toward gays, women and African-Americans and that’s inexcusable.

Jon: I HEAR YA, MATT MILLEN HATES GAY PEOPLE AND HE SHOULDN’T BE ALLOWED ON TV EITHER.  SO WHY DID A&E CAVE TO PRESSURE FROM PEOPLE WHO HATE GAYS?

Herm: A&E IS RUNNING THE PREVENT DEFENSE.

Chris: It’s strictly a monetary decision.  They make so much from Duck Dynasty that it makes sense for them to alienate gay, black and female viewers who didn’t really watch the network that much to begin with.

Jon: WELL WHAT ABOUT THE ADVERTISERS?  I KNOW THE FINE PEOPLE AT HOOTERS WOULDN’T STAND FOR HATING WOMEN. HOOTERS, WHY WOULD YOU GO ANYWHERE ELSE?

Herm: I ENDORSE CARBONE ROOFING AND TILING AND THEY WOULDN’T STAND FOR IT EITHER.

Chris: I think that’s the next step for GLAAD.  Getting companies to stop running commercials during Duck Dynasty.  It makes the show less of a cash cow for A&E.

Jon: COMMERCIALS ARE ALWAYS IMPORTANT.  THAT’S WHY I’M ENJOYING A TALL, COOL CORONA RIGHT NOW.

Herm: AND WHY I’M PUTTING IN A NEW HARDWOOD FLOOR DURING THE COMMERCIAL BREAKS.

Chris: I imagine A&E will become an entertainment version of Fox News, catering to a downmarket, rural, older crowd that traditional advertisers don’t really like.  Expect to see cash-for-gold and reverse mortgage ads there soon.

Jon: SO HOW WOULD YOU RESPOND TO PEOPLE THAT SAY YOU’RE JUST TRYING TO CENSOR THIS MAN FOR HOMOPHOBIC, RACIST AND SEXIST BELIEFS?  SOME PEOPLE THINK IT’S LIKE NOT LETTING A COACH RUN A TIGER 22 BINGO CROSS.

Herm: I SAY STUPID STUFF ON TV ALL THE TIME AND THEY DON’T CENSOR ME.

Chris: This isn’t censorship.  The First Amendment only protects against government censure of speech.  This is actually what the First Amendment envisioned; a marketplace where ideas competed against each other.

Herm: ACTUALLY THE FRAMERS ORIGINALLY ENVISIONED A VERY NARROW FREEDOM OF SPEECH THAT WOULD REALLY ONLY PREVENT PRIOR RESTRAINTS AND IT WAS ONLY THROUGH CENTURIES OF JURISPRUDENCE THAT COURTS DEVELOPED THE CURRENT SCHEME IN WHICH MOST GOVERNMENT SANCTIONS ON SPEECH ARE FROWNED UPON; THE MARKETPLACE OF IDEAS CONCEPT IS ONLY A FEW DECADES OLD.

Chris: That’s….a really good point.

Herm: WHAT’D I JUST SAY?  I BLACKED OUT FOR A SECOND.

Jon: WELL I CAN’T THINK OF A BETTER WAY TO END 2013 HERE ON GRUDEN TALK.  REMEMBER, A GRUDEN GRINDER DOESN’T DRINK AND DRIVE ON NEW YEARS EVE.  BANDLEADER HERM EDWARDS, PLAY US OFF.

Herm: THE ROBERTSONS GOT BEARDS LIKE ZZ TOP SO LET’S GO WITH JUST GOT PAID ON 3!