(via Getty Image)

Mike McCoy: This is a tremendous achievement, men. Nobody before this season gave you any chance to be where you are today. Some had us finishing behind the Raiders. Heck, just a month ago, everyone had written us off for dead. We proved ‘em wrong, didn’t we? And now we got a chance to do something special.

Corey Liuget: Damn right we do!

Donald Butler: The way we’re playing, there are no backups we can’t beat!

McCoy: That’s what I like to hear!

[Danny Woodhead does jig for five minutes]

wooddance

McCoy: Ha ha! That’s our Woodhead!

[Door flies open]

riversbolo

Philip Rivers: HOOOOOOOOWWWWWWDDDDYYYYY Y’ALLLLLLLLLLLLL IT’S YER OL’ PAL, BIG TEXAS LASERFACE! ‘BOUT TO BAG ME ANOTHER FETUSHEAD IN THE PLAYOFFS. THAT’S RIGHT – JUST LIKE THE GOOD OL’ DAYS. Leading my supersoldiers into glorious victory over Peyton Manning. It used to be an annual tradition until Norv poisoned the water hole.

Ryan Mathews: Phil, why are you still wearing that bolo tie and those snakeskin boots?

Rivers: WHAT? HUH? WHAT? GIDDY UP, PARDNER. I WEAR ‘EM BECAUSE THIS TEAM NEEDED A RIGHTEOUS GUNSLINGER TO COWBOY UP AND DO IT ALL HIMSELF AND THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT I DID, except for the parts God did for us by making Baltimore and Miami lose and the refs ignore the penalty on the field goal. But even that was partially my doing because me and the Big Man are tight like that.

Keenan Allen: Hey, I helped too.

Rivers: You know something, Key? Time was, a rookie talked outta turn like that to me, I’d string him up in front of the townfolk, real cruel-like. Make an example of him. But you have been a help to me. You’re the best receiver this team has had since… the tall feller what got all them DUIs. Tell you what: when I beat Peyton in the playoffs again, you can laugh at him by my side as a friend.

Allen: I’d like that.

McCoy: Guys, guys, we can’t start talking about the Broncos already. We still have a playoff game on the road to get through before we can even begin to discuss Denver.

Rivers: Well, who do we got next?

McCoy: The Bengals.

Rivers: The Bengals?

riversha

McCoy: How can you take the Bengals lightly? They were the last team we lost to.

Rivers: ‘Cause it’s the Bengals.

Eric Weddle: He’s got a point, coach.

Rivers: They ain’t won a playoff game since I was knee-high to a priest and only had two kids.

McCoy: But that doesn’t mean anything. They’re just a franchise with a bad reputation. They’re still good. They could still beat us. They already have!

Rivers: Hahahaha lose to the Bengals.

Eddie Royal: Listen, coach, I know you’re trying to do what’s right, but Rivers is all we got. He’s been amazing. We might as well just ride his dickishness out for as far as it can take us. It’s the only way we even got this far.

McCoy: … All right. Let’s go watch film on the Broncos. We’re taking those guys down in two weeks.

Rivers: Fuck yeah. ‘BOUT TO RUSTLE ME UP SOME FETUSHEAD AND THEN GET ME A RING. SUPER BOWL SUNDAY, I’M GONNA WEAR SPURS ON MY CLEATS AND HAVE MY SIX-SHOOTER IN THE HUDDLE. JUST LET GOODELL TRY TO TAKE THEM FROM ME. I AIN’T A-FEARED OF NO MARSHALL.