if you want to cheer, paint your face and make tiny signs
Nobody likes the Texans.

Last Week: 2-2 (PFT Commenter)
Last Week’s Stupid Ass Single-Game Parlay: LOSS (PFT Commenter)

About that… PFT Commenter filled in admirably. Even his predictions fared better than anyone could have possibly predicted, no offense.

Stupid Ass Single Game-Parlays Overall: 2-10
Overall: 27-22-2

Onward, friends.

Stupid Ass Single-Game Parlay of the Week

Denver Broncos -12.5 at Oakland Raiders and OVER 54 points

Home field advantage should provide the Broncos with enough motivation to ruin the Raiders one more time. But really, how much different would this line be if the Broncos had already wrapped that up? I think I’d take two quarters of Peyton Manning trying to extend his touchdown record. Note: Wes Welker is still out, which is good because every time he plays he looks like he’s going to die.

Home Favorite of the Week

Pittsburgh Steelers -7 at Cleveland Browns

The Steelers are trying to become the second team to ever make the playoffs after starting 0-4. If they are going to alter that much cited statistic, they’ll need four different results to go in their favor, which probably isn’t happening. Still, the Browns are the Browns, and the Steelers should at least be able to take care of their own work.

Road Favorite of the Week

Carolina Panthers -7 at Atlanta Falcons

I don’t think the Falcons are going to be able to talk Tony Gonzalez into an 18th season. Especially not after the Panthers help the Falcons finish off their 4-12 season. But that doesn’t take away from the fact that Gonzalez is an all-time good guy, and Cam Newton is a god damned pariah because of that time he didn’t want to talk to Peter King.

Road Dog of the Week

Kansas City Chiefs +9.5 at San Diego Chargers

The Chiefs are huge underdogs because they don’t have anything to play for. On the other hand, the Chargers probably won’t either. They need losses from the Dolphins and the Ravens. Even if they’re lucky they’ll probably only get one, so they could be out of it by the time the late games kick off.

Other Road Dog of the Week

Washington Redskins +3.5 at New York Giants

Welcome to the NFC East Shit Bowl. Neither team has anything to gain, but the advantage goes to the Redskins because they don’t have a draft pick to improve upon. In fact, the possibility of keeping the Rams from getting a high pick might be a bit of added incentive to win for a second straight week. [Ed. note: Kogod appears to be operating under the delusion that Washington won last week. Whatever helps him cope.]

Literal Dog(s) of the Week

so cute so dumb

So cute. So dumb.

Fantasy Matchup of the Week

fantasy matchup

Either nobody plays in 17 week fantasy leagues anymore, or nobody wants to admit to it. So this week we go with a submission that Mark sent in earlier this season. Seems like he just wanted a One Direction avatar.

Pro Tip of the Week

Try as I might, I’m probably not going to be able to help you make any money. However, I can offer tips that will help you out in other walks of life. It could be a recommendation on something to read, advice on lighting for your home, something useful I learned on the internet, or, more likely, something about food.

Age your eggnog.

Do you like eggnog because it’s delicious, but wonder if it could be better? Age it and it will improve dramatically.

Do you hate eggnog because it’s super sweet and weirdly thick? Age it and it becomes the kind of cocktail you can get down with.

Send me an email if you would like to submit a Fantasy Matchup or a Pro Tip for future consideration.