If this is your first time reading “Playmaker’s 2″ please go back and get caught up here. Its a 3 Part Series FYI and it should get picked up by any network that knows whats good for them soon. If you cant handle real drama you can go tune into Golden Girls or Real Sex: Charles Haley as far as Im concern.
And now on to the thrilling conclusion of…
When we last left the Pittsburgh Whiteskins (Uncle Si renamed the team from the Redskins to the Whiteskins because heck, he can laugh at himself you know?), Coach Schiano had literally willed his team back from a 100 point deficit by taking out Big Bens knees every time he tried to kneel the ball and forced like over a dozen consecutive Fumble-Sixes. The score was 100-98 when Coach Schiano (who had also been playing Offence and Defense remember?) got ejected for playing through the “period” in “Whistle.” instead’ve the “e.” Now theres only a minute left in the game with no timeouts, the Steelers have the ball, and they dont have Schiano. The last thing we saw was Tebow and his dog Scout leaving the weightroom to drive acrossed town to Heinz Field because even though Tebows not on the 53 man roster hes ready to help his team win any way he can.
Tebow: (to his dog) You got enough air back there Scout?
There driving in Tebows daddys old pickup= the one thats been around for years and years,, the very same one his daddys daddy use to drive Tebows daddy home from the hospital in when he was a baby, and also he used it scare some of the local hoodlums who would get caught making eyes at his wife in the pharmecy or sticking there noses where they ought not in that day in age. Scouts in the back of a open-air pickup truck so, yes he does have enough air.
Meanwhile Uncle Si’s in the Rooney’s private suite watching the game with Mr. Rooney- they dont get along much. Uncle Si’s livid up in the owner’s box with the ejection of his Coach/FB/DT Schiano.
Uncle Si: That Mike Careys such a show-off! Boy I tell you I madder then a ducks butt on Avery Island OOOOOOOOOH! (Uncle Si’s face is turning red)
Uncle Si’s so upset he could spit which he does. Hes got 6 mans worth of dip in his mouth as is customary for Lousianans and he has a heart attack and succombs to 60 years of eating nothing accept fried hookworms and drinking kerosene and dies right there in Mr. Rooneys owners box,, but with his last breath he put’s a bounty on the Steelers, also a very important part of Louisiana culture:
Uncle Si: Whichever one a them boys can go get me a cartoff killshot they get my whole fortune since I got no kids of my own from being castreated in a tragic duck accident when I was 15 (also customary in many North-Lousiana familys).
He dies right their with a smile on his face and a twinkle in his eye God bless him.
Meanwhile on the field…
Mike Vick: Alright chall, looks like Im calling the shots now. Since Im your QB and team leader now that I poisoned Jay Cutler remember? We’re quitting. We’re throwing in the towel. We lossed. The seasons over. Our Owners dead. We’re not going to get paid. Why are we even playing if were not going to get paid? I dont love this game. Come on Marcus, lets go.
Marcus Vick is on the sidelines literally carrying 7 different jockstraps for his brother. The two of them start walking down the tunnel when there spotted by Maurkice Pouncey- the center from the Pittsburg Steelers.
Maurkice Pouncey: Hey Mike. Where you going? We still get paid over here on the Steelers, and Big Bens injured himself. He extended that last play to hard and your old coach Schiano took out his ACL= hes listed as “questionable”. We just need you to take one snap for us and take a knee so we can win dog.
Mike Vick: Im going to get paid right?
Maurkice Pouncey: Straight cash homey.
Mike Vick: Now THAS what Im talking about. Come on Marcus.
Mike changes out of his Whiteskins outfit and into a Steelers uniform real quick right there on the football field in full view of all the fans who cant believe there own eyes. All the Whiteskins players like JJ Watt would never quit but they even cant believe that Mike would change and play for the other team. He’s SMH. The whole stadium is SMH.
Its 3rd down and Coach Tomlin greets Vick by doing a little intricate handshake thing with Vick that takes like 15 seconds off the playclock- what the heck theyve only known each other for like a minute folks. Vick trots out onto the field and prepares to take the snap to ice the game. He gets all under Pounceys butt and starts his cadence.
Mike Vick: HUT ONE, HUT TO, HUT THREE, HUT! RON MEXICO LIVE AND UNCUT!
All of a sudden Tebows daddys daddys old pickup truck with Scout in the back crashes through the gates in the tunnel onto the field blasting Aaron Tippins hit “Youve Got To Stand For Something/(Are You’ll Fall For Anything)” They swerve up to the sideline just as Pounceys about to hike the ball. The truck stops and Scout looks out onto the football field and sees Mike Vick. His eyes narrow.
Mike Vick: HIKE!
Vick could take a knee right now and the games over. But he doesnt he literally starts Crip Walking in the backfield and Pouncey joins in the act and twerks with him. Tomlins on the sidelines hes got a saxophone somehow hes playing a jazz solo or something. Out of the corner of Vicks eye he sees something running at him. He turns and sees Scout- ears literaly pinned back foaming at the mouth with anger,, hes read all the bullitin board material that Vicks given him for the past 4 years. Scouts got his paw in the dirt turning the corner on him at padlevel.
Mike Vick: Oh shi….
Scout leaps up into the air and bite’s Vick on the arm HARD folks- forcing a fumble. JJ Watt scoops up the ball and runs 35 yards with exellent ball security,, the crowd stands on there feet as Watt sprints into the endzone, briefly considering taking a knee at the 1 yard line but the clocks about to tick zero so he just scores it anyways and hands the ball to the ref. The crowd goes nuts chanting his cool new nickname “Watt Power” no offense. Scount the dog has now eaten Mike Vicks entire butt off him. He’ll never twerk again.
The stands are going crazy the Whiteskins have just won the game, and you could almost swear that Uncle Si cracked a little smile. After Scouts done eating Mike Vicks butt off he walks back to the pickup that Tebow drove into the stadium. Oh no.
When the pickup truck crashed through all the gates, Tebow got so injured due to his own strength. Hes bleeding all over the truck and Scout sees him and starts whimpering. Tebows still trying to call play’s God bless him but he doesnt know where hes at. Hes foaming at the mouth.
JJ Watt: Timmy? Timmy? We won. Are you ok? Is he going to make it Scout?
JJ Watt: Well we cant just let him sit here like this. Do you want me to Swat him?
Tebows still trying to audible. He just wants to win. Hes still working. JJ reaches his big hand back to Swat Tebow out’ve his misery.
Scout: Bark. He was my QB. I’ll do it. Bark.
Scout puts his soft flufy paw over Tebows nose and mouth and the little guy just goes to sleep to the big weight room in the sky folks. Everyones sad but Tebow went out a winner just like he would of wanted.
Scout gets Uncle Si’s Millions of Dollars for his bounty on the Steelers, Michelle Beadle breaks up with PFT Commenter Gray and marries the dog because they really make great companions and are both always happy blond smiling and jsut wholesome as heck folks.
Scout uses his inheritence to buy Duck Commander- Scout spends his days hunting ducks because hes a dog and dadburn it he just enjoys a good duck. Duck Commanders now owned by a dog. They post record profit’s.
Credits start to roll and it all goes fullcircle with Sister Christian playing us off. The show wins 11 Emmys and Im famous.
Credits: Written Directed Prodused Invented CoStarring PFT Commenter
Actors played by-
JJ Watt, played by John Cena
Tim Tebow: Joel Osteen
Greg Schiano: A Actual Gorilla doing sign language
Mike Vick: Katt Williams
Jay Cutler: A intern with rich parents whose never acted before
PFT Commenter Grey- PFT Commenter
Michelle Beadle: Kim Catrell
Michelle Beadles body double: Michelle Beadle
Brett Farve: George W Bush
and Uncle Si played by Ted Nugent
Assistent Tebow Old Yeller Story Editor: Sonar Jose
I want more like this!
Follow Kissing Suzy Kolber on Facebook and get the latest NFL news and humor before everyone else.