It’s folly to rank Thanksgiving foods before Thanksgiving Day because as our colleague Adam Schein
has proven, pre-game prognostications are meaningless. Maybe you’re the type of person who typically ranks mashed potatoes in a lowly tenth spot, but this was the year that your partner went all out and boiled the potatoes in chicken stock, added buttermilk during the mashing and roasted a whole head of garlic to be whipped in just before serving. Then suddenly your pre-Thanksgiving list shortchanged what should be at least a second place finish for the potatoes. It’s nonsense like that ruins competition because of past biases, like figure skating scores or college football rankings.
That said, we made Measts and Leasts anyway.
Turkey (obviously), stuffing (savory carbs), gravy (fat and salt), mashed potatoes (starch and butter), gravy, gravy and gravy. Pumpkin pie (even though squash was voted to be a Least by multiple people who obviously need to have squash properly prepared for them).
Butternut squash “fucking soup” (I disagree with this, but this person of the KSK team was pretty adamant about it being least), cranberry chutney, squash, green bean casserole that involves cream of mushroom soup and, “any jello concoctions that don’t involve (1) fruit or (2) marshmallows can go to hell and deserve least status.”
There was a Least vote for gravy which lead to this rant from Old James:
Alright gang, look: if your gravy is congealing, the problem isn’t with the gravy — the problem is your intake isn’t fast enough.
And I’m not sure what riced potatoes are, but I’m sure they’re delicious covered in gravy. Most things are. I’d be tempted to bite off a finger (and the odds are good I accidentally will one day) if it’s been covered in gravy.
Anyway, you should always turn your pile of mashed ‘taters into a bowl (using the spoon) and pour gravy in there. It’ll eventually leak out, but that’s part of the process. Because if you take a civil engineering approach to loading up your plate like I do, you’ll have constructed the tater pile/bowl in such a fashion that when the levee does break, the gravy pours directly into a pile of stuffing. And what doesn’t get absorbed by the stuffing you can wipe clean with pieces of turkey. Or crescent rolls. Or pie. Or your shirt.
And there you have the pre-dinner predictions.
But how did your Thanksgiving play out? What dish won out for a change? Brussels sprouts were suddenly served with lardons — yes, fancy bacon — and became a Meast? Something went wrong with your cornbread and most of it was snuck under the table and passed on to the dog, making it a human Least but your pet’s Meast? What did you make or have this year? Do you have pictures to share with the Kommentariat? (Of course you have pictures, it’s 2013. When I took pictures of a perfectly browned apple pie in 2002 my friends thought I was weird. Now? Their Instagram accounts are 80% food, 10% drinks, 5% pets, 3% sunsets and 2% other.) Share them below. Since we’re all here watching football all day, we may as well spend Thanksgiving with the people we love the most; random strangers from the Internet.
I want more like this!
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