roastjaxson

 

Well hey folks its great to be out here celebrating the wonderful town, city, municpality, circle of hell, petri dish and punchingbag that is Jacksonville Florida. Im technically here at Jacksonvilles defense since alot of stupid people have been making fun of you guys this year. There jokes are all staler than River City kindbud so Im here to try to freshen up the game a bit for all the wannabes.

Right of the bat lets talk about your celebritys, You know your city stinks when your most famous alumni is Pete Prisco and his biggest lifetime accomplishment was getting the hell out. To your credit folks you managed to do what abysmal ratings,thousands of Golds Gym express managers, and Petes mom after 7 months of carrying that sack of opinions coudnt do and get rid of him. Priscos like if a Schiano Man masturbated onto a sweaty squat rack except with a worse understanding of football and general odor. I like to have some fun with him and say that his cargo-jorts bottoms and snapback shirts are whats known as “Jacksonville Casual” when you have Here’s Honey Boo-Boo on the bottom and Duck Dynasty on top. Hey Pete! Where you going?

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Glad to see Mark Brunells out here, at least he can take a joke. Thing have changed alot in Marks life over the years folks. You know Mark it used to not be a insult when you had thousands of people pointing at you and calling you Husky. But now your spending as much time keeping Mark Sanchez away from your daughter as you are keeping the IRS away from your mailbox. Folks Marks got such gimpy knees these days the only place with a more severe lean than his legs is his paycheck. Mark got into some bad real estate deals when he bought a plot of the nicest land in Florida but who knew that Dominican cat graveyard would be haunted. You cant blame him for trying to make a quick buck but it typicaly helps to a target demographic who can qualify for a bank loan when your selling houses Mark. I dont want to tell you how to do your job I’ll leave that up to any number of federal attorneys but come on youve lost more houses then playoff games. I’m having a little fun with you here, obviously you were good for a couple years and then you moved to Washington and coudnt remember how to do your job,,  your like Bill Clinton without the knack of actually profiting from ileagal property development.

Shad Kahns here folks give it up to him. Shads been in the news alot in regards to the question of whether there going to move the Jags to London or LA, to take advantage of the larger markets and perks like running water and access to vaccinations. The realty is this team spends so much time locked in the basement there more likely to be moved to a neighborhood just outside Cleveland folks.

Now to be fair Jacksonville does have alot of cool stuff they have the most percapita brown bags in stadiums, bedrooms, AND street corners. Honestly folks Jacksonvilles like if the Atlanta Braves were a city since there all related to each other and everyone packs up and leaves to a nice suburb once they get good at something. Shad your a middle eastern type fella with a mustache thats straight out of a Bond movie,, come to think of it maybe thats why there calling your entire roster of O-Linemen Octopussy.

We’ve got some current Jaguars here thats great! Oh wow Blane Gabbert good to see you, your looking well. Word to the wise ladies- Blaine’s known around town as a so-so lover,, he’ll blame his up-and-down performance on his Protection, but at least you know you wont Catch anything.

Well Im glad Maurice Loans Drew could make it out here didnt expect you. MJ-me is going to come up onstage and tell 2 mediocore jokes and then demand more money before getting back up to the mike and reading out of a jokebook. Maurice youve held out longer then Tebow. Drews having a terrible year but I’m sure he’ll bounce back right before free agency, Maurice its bad when your YPC is less then your height especially when your short enough to have to wear prescription shoes. Seriously folks its a goodthing MJDs use to the “franchise tag” because hes going to be wearing a McDonalds pin with his name on it after this season. 

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I have to admint that in reality most Jags fans are smart and sick of losing, but theres a bunch of Tebow-truthers who buy billboards, newspaper ads, airplane banners, travling minstrel show sponsorships, detox center naming rights and basically anything else thats in Jacksonville thats more likely to get hit by a Tebow pass than a wide reciever. The fact is if you put Tebow in that Jags offense youd have entire sections of EverBank stadium treating the 3rd story railings like a Buffalo Bills fan on accutane folks.

Speaking of suicidal Jags fans, Fred Durst is here (c’mon!). Heres some advice for you on how to get this franchise turned around: I know might want to Break Stuff, but until they can Rearrange the standings in the AFC south there going to be Stuck N2 Gether Now with your browns, raiders, and cardinals as the worst franchises. This teams a far cry from their pinnacle in 9 Teen 90 Nine but nothing would show less Faith in khans ability to run the team My Way more than bringing in a Counterfeit qb who has No Sex.

The Jags have a passionate fanbase that doesnt get nearly as much respect as they deserve, but not getting enough credit’s a pretty standard complaint for anyone in Duval County folks. Seriously though the Jags fans I know love their team more than they love their own family and you can see that clearly in there child support payment history. Maybe if Khan wanted more Jags fans to attend games he’d be proactive and move the team to the rap/metal bin at Hot Topic.

Thank you and Godbless you all. I hope rest of the media can try to step up there comedey/creativity game in the near future. Lord knows living in Jacksonville you’ve been through enough.