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When last we left influential Writering guy, Peter King, he was celebrating Schiano Man of the Year, Greg Schiano, for fielding the greatest 2-8 (now 3-8!) team in recorded history. It’s high time we realize there’s better ways to judge coaches than piddling things like wins and loses. It’s the destruction of horseplay that counts! PK was also dismayed that a Ruby Tuesday’s lacked a wide-ranging beer selection because he’s an idiot. But what about this week? Why does the AOL homepage not keep the journalistic standards of the New York Times? And when will Ron Winter smile? Most importantly, WHERE’S THE BLOOD!?!?! Okay now, READ ON.

Well, if you went to bed at halftime, when Denver led New England 24-0, you missed:

How nice! I know that whenever I nod off in the middle of an important game, my first thought upon waking up isn’t to consult a highlight show or a box score. Too easy! Instead, I check in with a 10,000-word swollen prostate of a baseball-ish football column. Such a pro move.

• Tom Brady throwing three touchdown passes into the teeth of a 22-mph wind in the third quarter.

• Peyton Manning driving the Broncos 80 yards into said stiff wind for the tying touchdown late in the fourth quarter to force overtime.

WOWZERS, it’s almost as though the wind isn’t as much an impediment to the passing game as you’d like to pretend that it was.

• On the 11-year anniversary of the ill-fated Marty Mornhinweg deferral to start overtime (Lions-Bears, Champaign, Ill.; for more details, that is why Google and Bing were invented

Shoehorned unnecessary Bing reference out of the way early this week! That’s like getting up at 5 a.m. to go for your daily run, except instead of running, substitute a desk drawer full of melted Kit Kats, sponsorship money from Microsoft and a complete ethical vacuum.

but suffice to say it did not end well for coach Mornhinweg), the Patriots won the toss and Bill Belichick elected to give Manning the ball to start overtime. “We were like, ‘Defer? Take the wind?’ Even the captains didn’t know,” said defensive captain Devin McCourty.

“GRUMBLE GRUMBLE GRUMBLE WHEN THE REF ASKS WHAT WE WANT JUST SAY HIS OLD LADY’S DRAFTY COOCH, HE’LL KNOW WHAT IT MEANS GRUMBLE GRUMBLE GRUMBLE”

• The last of 11 fumbles (a muff, actually, though it goes on the stat sheet as a fumble), this one with three minutes left in overtime, leading to the most disheartening loss in Denver hist—oh, wait, there was that double-overtime divisional loss to Baltimore last January. That would be more disheartening than this. But it’s close.

Peter King twists the butter knife (it’s also coated in nutmeg)

• The name “Peter” (no relation) playing a huge role in the outcome.

Because people with the same first name are often related.

Let’s talk about that muff.

/sends the children out of the room

It says so much about the game, and about why it turned the way it did and why 27 points came off turnovers. A Montee Ball fumble led to one New England touchdown, and a Manning interception (amazingly, the only interception of the windy night) led to another, and then the choice to defer in overtime … One bit of weirdness after another.

Points? Off TURNOVERS? Well that was certainly a thing unique to that game. In fact, history will record that this game will forever be known as the POINTS OFF TURNOVERS game. Will we ever see it again? Hard to say.

With 3:11 left in OT, Manning would get one last chance to end the game. The Patriots lined up to punt from their 43. The punter, rookie Ryan Allen, stood near his 28. His personal protector, second-year former college rugby player Nate Ebner, was a few yards in front of him.

“Just a normal punt play,” Ebner said.

But not so normal.

Indeed. What was thought to be a punt play was actually a Thai hooker boy. Caused quite the stir.

Back for Denver was Wes Welker, a sure-handed returner. Sure-handed, yes. But not the normal guy back there.

Helpful reminder that Welker had a fairly significant third down drop in the fourth quarter that kept the Broncos out of field goal range.

When the Denver returner waves off the return—when he doesn’t want to bring it back and simply wants to let it bounce—he yells, “Peter! Peter!” At the same time he waves his arms in a “no-good” way, as if he is an official waving off a penalty.

I like the clunky inclusion of “in a ‘no-good’ way” because it makes Peter sound even more like a slow third grader.

My two takeaways from this game:

1. I will take Tom Brady in a weather game over Peyton Manning. Without question. Brady’s arm is better.

Look at that conviction! That’s a man whose penis has empirical evidence.

2. We’ve spent a lot of time ripping New England’s player-acquisition process in the last few years. The draft, free-agency, trades. But look at how many new players made plays to help this team win.

The Patriots have sucked at drafting but MAYYYYBEEE that’s wherein lies their genius! It’s all just a clever ruse. They select busts only so the rest of the league never sees it coming when their arsenal of TRYOUT GUYS and Scaptastic Ungloryboys wreaks havoc on the field. Also, it helps to have an awesome quarterback to bail out your shit roster.

New England beat a very good team Sunday night, and it wasn’t just Brady that did it. It took a village.

That’s right! The Patriots are no mere team. They are a village. Mostly because Bill Belichick prefers his players not have amenities like running water. Huge, huge distraction during the season.

I never thought the Colts would be in free fall, but they are.

Hollywood Movies That Are The Colts aren’t supposed to have sad endings. PK is gonna demand his money back. Oh, and a refund on this popcorn. He only ate 100 percent of it anyway.

Indianapolis is a shell of the team it was in September. I didn’t watch much of their game (my NBC duties precluded it)

TONY DUNGY: Uh hey, Peter, what are you doing in my dressing room?

PETER KING: Don’t you wanna tell me cool stuff that I can put in column so the world will know we’re buds?

TONY DUNGY: Uh, sure, later. You know, the afternoon games are on. Shouldn’t you be watching for material for your column?

PETER KING: Ha, you’re such a kidder. I’ll just pad it out with HOT STOVE thoughts. What you think about the Yanks getting Brian McCann?

TONY DUNGY: I don’t know.

PETER KING: Ha! Great stuff! That’s quote of the week material, right there.

TONY DUNGY: Please don’t quote me on that. C’mon Pete, go watch the games.

PETER KING: But football is boooooorrring. Can’t we just sit here and talk?

TONY DUNGY: Peter, go.

PETER KING: Okay, okay, you can talk to me about Jesus.

TONY DUNGY: In that case [cracks knuckles] take a seat; we’re gonna here awhile.

but I keep seeing Andrew Luck trying to force things. He’s doing so with so many of his important players gone for the season—guard Donald Thomas (the best offensive lineman on the team), wideout Reggie Wayne, tight end Dwayne Allen—that you wonder if Indianapolis will be able to hold off the flawed Titans and rebound for the playoffs.

As much as the STANFORD WORDS ARCHITECTURE THINKIN’ MAN’S QB narrative for Andrew Luck annoys me, good lord the Titans are boring to watch. Sorry, Fightin’ Munchaks. Plus, Ryan Fitzpatrick and playoffs don’t mix.

My quick hit on a fun weekend of football: There’s no unbeatable team.

Nor has there been since the week before, but thanks for the reheated football nugget.

Now that Seattle has lost two of its top three corners for the next month—Brandon Browner to injury, Walter Thurmond (according to Ian Rapoport of NFL Network) to a four-game substance-abuse suspension—even the 10-1 Seahawks might be vulnerable to a productive passing team.

Productivity! Finally, we discover the Seahawks weakness. Previously, it was thought best just to shit your pants on every play and hope the Seahawks ran away in disgust or fear.

Look at the league.

look

Tampa Bay is pathetic for seven weeks, riven by strife, then goes on a 3-1 run, and goes to Detroit Sunday and beats the NFC North leaders. The Colts look like a Super Bowl team for six weeks, and now they’re beat up and awful. Admit it: You’re not sure San Francisco is better than Arizona today. You get the picture.

You mean to tell me teams often progress and regress over the course of a season? WEIRD!

“The parity is unbelievable,” San Diego quarterback Philip Rivers told me after the Chargers—who’d lost three in a row before Sunday—put up 41 on the formerly impenetrable Chiefs. At Arrowhead. “More than I remember it. That’s what makes the NFL so much fun. The way this league is, we got five games left, four of ’em at home. We could win ’em all. We could lose ’em all. I can look back and say, ‘We should have beaten Washington. Should have beaten Houston. Should have beaten Miami.’ You know what? So could everybody. Woulda, coulda, shoulda. That’s what makes it awesome.”

“I FUCKING LOVE HAVING REGRETS AND SHAME! THAT’S THE BEST PART OF RELIGION AND I LOVE THAT SHIT!”

(Rivers actually speaks like that. He’s like Wally Cleaver. I keep thinking, during an interview, he’s going to say, “Want to go down to the malt shoppe with me and Mary Ann?”)

“WHAT? HUH? WHAT? YOU DON’T NEED THAT THIRD MALT, DIPPOPOTAMUS. NOW TO CONCEIVE 12 CHILDREN WITH YOUNG SUZY Q HERE”

Say you pick Seattle No. 1 in the league now. That’s logical. After that, what do you do? Where do you put, say, Arizona? Carolina?

It doesn’t matter because arbitrary power rankings determine nothing. Just kidding, I’d put Arizona as quasi-10-ish.

That’s this year’s NFL. I ask again: Can you tell me with conviction right now that San Francisco is better than Arizona? That’s an unthinkable question a month ago. It’s a legitimate one today.

Teams that are expected to dominate sometimes don’t and teams that no one expects to do well sometimes exceed expectations. Such a 2013 thing. WEIRDSVILLE: A FOOTBALL LIFE.

Three things you need to know.

1. Neil deGrasse Tyson isn’t a light sleeper. Doesn’t even know I got a bit of his hair.
2. Went looking for something different for lunch on the road. Tried this place called Denny’s. Disappointing beer selection, I must say.
3. They didn’t even have Allagash!

1. The 49ers, wisely, proved they are equal-opportunity employers over the weekend.

They signed the first openly gay player? Chris Culliver ain’t down with that sweet stuff.

2. Dan Dierdorf’s done. At 64, with two artificial hips and two artificial knees, Dierdorf announced his retirement effective at the end of this season. He’ll do the rest of the season in the CBS booth, and at least one playoff game, and he’ll be finished. The travel’s become too much for a man as physically limited as he is. Dierdorf worked to make five All-Pro teams and the Hall of Fame, and then he climbed the ladder quickly in the TV world, finding himself in the ABC Monday night booth on an October night in 1990, when he saw Eagles safety Andre Waters go for Vikings quarterback Rich Gannon’s knees. He raged at Waters on national TV. “Andre Waters is the cheap-shot artist of the NFL. This is a guy who goes after people with the intention of hurting them,” Dierdorf said. Imagine that today, with the Twitterverse and 416 football websites monitoring the game.

“What a field day those jackals would have! Holding a man accountable for an outrageous statement! The very nerve!”

“I’ve never been sorry for that,” said Dierdorf. “Now, I was very sorry for what happened to Andre. [He committed suicide in 2006.] But I remember getting together with Andre later that season, brokered by some of the Eagles people. He was angry. He told me he didn’t like what I said. I told him I didn’t care. He blamed me for getting fined by the league. I said the league’s not listening to me to decide whether you should be fined.”

“Don’t blame me because you have an insatiable lust for malice.”

Dierdorf wanted to leave one message for those who might look upon him with some pity, for the damage football did to his knees and hips. “Don’t feel sorry for me,” he said. “I have had a wonderful life in this game. I have loved every minute of it.”

WAIT. Wait wait wait. Dierdorf presumes people feel BAD for him because he can’t suck on TV anymore. That should be hilarious but I’m just further enraged. Fine, I’m sure he lives with a great deal of pain from his playing days, but this motherfucker had a Hall of Fame career then got a high-profile broadcasting gig for the next two-plus decades. I don’t fucking feel sorry for Dierdorf. He’s 64. He’s right around regular retirement age (I mean, for his generation. Mine will never get to retire)

3. You need to watch NFL Network Tuesday night at 9 Eastern. I screened the 42-minute documentary about Steve Gleason’s life and times and trip to Machu Picchu earlier this year. Steve Gleason: A Football Life airs Tuesday.

I don’t often cheer PK for anything but following up Dierdorf’s implication that we should feel sorry for him with an item about Steve Gleason is pretty nice, even if it wasn’t an intended irony.

Fine Fifteen

1. Seattle (10-1). Tough call for No. 1. Seattle, New England, Carolina, Denver and New Orleans in contention. There is no runaway. This week it’s Seattle.

Possibly because they have a better record than all those other teams and haven’t lost in six weeks? Agonizingly tough.

[This is PK code for "DAMMIT I REALLY WANNA PUT THE PATRIOTS HERE BUT LOUSY MEAN PEOPLE WILL GIVE ME A HARD TIME IF I DO"]

Could be the most rested Monday night game ever in a week. Saints (11 days off) at ’Hawks (14 days off).

That’s right, they’re got set an NFL record for restedness. Drew Brees is chugging his Nyquil as I type.

2. New England (8-3). I like a this team that, in a short week, can forget the bitter, focus on the now, have an absolutely pathetic half of football, believe a win is still in reach, and reach it. Having Tom Brady helps.

FTFY

3. Denver (9-2). Trent Dilfer came up with a good stat about Brady having more passing yards into the wind Sunday night than Peyton Manning had in all four quarters. Let’s see. Manning has three straight potential cold and/or windy games coming up (at Kansas City, Tennessee and San Diego at home), and could have playoff games in January in Denver, Foxboro, Kansas City or Cincinnati, and the Super Bowl is on the first Sunday of February in New Jersey. Manning might have to go 6-0 or 5-1 in cold weather to win his second Super Bowl.

abewinter

5. Carolina (8-3). Seriously: The Panthers could be No. 2. Seven-game winning streak. Nobody wants to play them now. Pretty mysterious game coming Sunday: Bucs, with their three-game streak, coming to Charlotte.

Nobody WANTS to play the Panthers, but here’s the thing: SCHIANO MEN don’t do what they have to do. They do what they MUST! Which is usually intentionally injuring opponents per edict from the sidelines.

9. Indianapolis (7-4). Talked to an influential Colts guy a few days ago.

That’s some good anonymous sourcing. “Hey, towel boy, gimme a juicy quote and I’ll attribute it to a super big-wig Colts slugger.”

“The guy we really miss is Dwayne Allen,” he said. That’s the tight end who was one of the best rookies in football last year, drafted to pair with Coby Fleener in two-tight-end sets and star individually. Bruising blocker and sure-handed receiver. That, plus the loss of Reggie Wayne, is killing this offense.

That’s the real utility of Peter King: when an NFL figure wants to whine about how unfair injuries are but he doesn’t want to be held accountable for it.

10. Philadelphia (6-5). Kudos to Mike Vick for saying the other day he couldn’t justify pulling Nick Foles to return himself to the starting lineup. Everybody can see that, and often the incumbent quarterback can’t.

Peter King would wait to praise Michael Vick until he admits he shouldn’t be playing instead of a white guy.

14. Baltimore (5-6). Pretty sure Geno Smith learned how to spell “embarrass” Sunday.

It’s funny because you assume he has the intellect of a 10-year-old.

Offensive Players of the Week

Tom Brady, quarterback, New England. The wind became a prominent part of last night’s game when the Patriots chose to defend in overtime, but Brady looked as if he was playing in a light breeze in the Patriots’ incredible second-half and overtime comeback.

“And the way the wind would sometimes violently tussle that beautiful hair of his… exquisite. How I imagined my hands to be the wind. To know what the wind felt. My gusts won’t be light, Tom.”

Knowshon Moreno, running back, Denver. Rarely has a 200-plus-yard rushing game been this overshadowed, but Moreno’s efforts Sunday night shouldn’t be overlooked.

That’s right – look deep into the shadows behind the giant narrative wall that blots out the sun.

Special Teams Players of the Week

Ben Roethlisberger, quarterback/quick-kick punter. Pittsburgh.

HARF HARF THE BEN WAS KICKMAN BEN POOCH PUNTER BEN KICK DOGS

Goat of the Week

Matthew Stafford, quarterback, Detroit. Four interceptions against the Bucs, the third with the Lions driving for a potential 11-point lead. Detroit lost to the previously 2-8 Bucs. A bad day for the young gunslinger.

Subtle Favrian notes in that derpage. Careful, Stafford, someone’s got his eye on you.

Quotes of the Week

“Jason Pierre-Paul was like, ‘There will be bloodshed.’ C’mon, man. Did he even have a stat on the final stat sheet?”

—Dallas cornerback Orlando Scandrick, on the big talking done by some Giants before the 24-21 Dallas victory Sunday in New Jersey, to Bart Hubbuch of the New York Post.

Be fair, Orlando. Pierre-Paul did have one tackle. No sacks. No quarterback pressures. No forced fumbles. No fumble recoveries. No nothing else whatsoever.

OH SNAP, PK gettin’ sassy up in here. I bet he drew himself a +1 in the air after writing it. UBER QUIPAGE.

“Yes.”

—Dallas owner Jerry Jones, asked Thursday, with six games left in the regular season and the Cowboys reeling, if Jason Garrett will return to coach the team in 2014.

Awesome quote. Just great.

“I personally feel like the flag went down for a reason, and it looked like a foul to me.”

—Rams coach Jeff Fisher, with the last word on the ill-fated picked-up flag on the last play of the Panthers-Patriots game last Monday night.

Your agent is thrilled you’re making time to get his other clients’ names out there.

Stat of the Week

The last seven NFL tie games, dating back to 1989, have been played in November.

TIEVEMBER

Factoids of the Week That May Interest Only Me

Former NFL quarterback Hugh Millen (a backup mostly, 1987-95; Rams, Falcons, Patriots, Broncos) was born on Nov. 22, 1963, three hours before the president was assassinated. His father, on cloud nine, left the hospital in Des Moines after spending time with his wife and the new baby boy and went to Sears to buy some baby clothes. Walking into the store, he found scores of people clustered around a TV watching news of the Kennedy assassination.

“My dad had a tough time handing out cigars that day,” Millen said Saturday. “That’s been an interesting little asterisk to my life.”

Why do you sound so guilty about it? Your dad blamed you for it, didn’t he?

Kennedy had a bit of rooting interest for the Packers, sitting at home before taking off on two early 1964 campaign trips on Monday: first to Tampa and Miami, and then to five cities in Texas later in the week—including Dallas on Friday at noon. But without Starr and Hornung, Lombardi suffered one of the worst losses of his career: a 26-7 rout by the Bears. Green Bay turned it over seven times.

So now you know the answer to the JFK Trivia Contest: What was the last game this football-mad president ever watched?

And his brain ended up about as intact as the men on the field.

“Ed Reed: ‘It was a great football game and we had some fun.’ OK, Ed. If you say so.”

—@BrianCoz, Jets beat man Brian Costello of the New York Post, relaying one of the Bizarre Quotes of the Season from a football player. The Jets were embarrassed in Baltimore, their quarterback performed like a person stepping on a football field for the first time, they played haplessly for the second straight week, and they fell into the mire of AFC playoff mediocrity after holding a wild-card spot for the last three weeks.

Other than that, it was a fine day for the Green and White.

Ed Reed doesn’t give a shit about the media. But honestly, compared to how horrible everyone thought the Jets were gonna be before the season started, the fact that they’re even in the playoff hunt is an achievement.

“Any chance we could ever have the National Anthem sung by someone who lets it be about the song and not an exercise in vocal powerlifting?”

—@CSNMoonMullin, John Mullen of CSN Chicago, in the Edward Jones Dome before Bears-Rams, listening to, presumably, a National Anthem that was an exercise in vocal powerlifting.

You’re on notice, WARBLE-FIRST GLORY SINGERS.

Ten Things I Think I Think

1. I think this is what I liked about Week 12:

c. Cam Jordan, the precocious Saints defensive end, returning from a mini-slump to sack Matt Ryan twice, share in a third sack and knock him down another time.

Haven’t had a precocious player reference in a while. I was starting to worry that the NFL was in danger because precocity was at an all-time low. Whew.

d. Linebacker Paul Worrilow of the Falcons, with 44 tackles in the last three weeks. As with Tramaine Brock of the Niners, Worrilow has gone from nowhere to vital in half a season.

Injuries and poor play occasionally push others into action. WEIRD!

i. Excuse me for praising Miami GM Jeff Ireland—that is quite out of fashion these days—

Oh no – is PK actually sticking up for Jeff Ireland?

but the value of getting pass rusher Olivier Vernon with the 72nd pick of the 2012 draft is pretty good. Vernon is a big help to Cameron Wake, giving offensive coordinators another pass-rushing headache when they play Miami.

He is! There truly is no greater defender of useless assholes anywhere.

j. Excellent example of the correct way to pick up a flag in Baltimore. Jets safety Ed Reed crashed into Ravens wideout Jacoby Jones in the end zone, but he hit him absolutely correctly—without the helmet, and below the shoulders.

Agree 100 percent. Nice flag-lifting form. The key is you have to lift with the legs. Do it with the back and you’ll regret it later. Lofty refs know this.

p. The more I see Mike Glennon, the more I like him.

No pleasure is ever to be gained from looking at Mike Glennon.

r. Cam Newton is so impressive, physically, in the pocket. What a weapon. So hard to bring down, and to catch.

And here in the depths of MMQB is where we find – what’s this – praise for Cam Newton! No way if the Panthers lose to the Buccaneers that PK doesn’t claim that Cam is holding their stout defense back.

2. I think this is what I didn’t like about Week 12:

a. Ref Ron Winter in the Saints-Falcons game missing both a facemask and blow to the head call on Akiem Hicks against Matt Ryan.

Worse still – no smiles!!!


Happy refs make happy football.

b. This business of players dunking the ball over the crossbar (as Jimmy Graham did Thursday night) and bending the crossbar down so time has to be taken to fix it before play resumes. When that happens and the game is delayed, the offending team should get a delay-of-game penalty.

OH NOES A FUN THING HAPPENED! WE BETTER MAKE IT PUNISHABLE BY DEATH AT ONCE!

g. You’re not supposed to boot a field goal into the helmet of a lineman on your own team, Graham Gano.

Fuck off, you smug shitweasel.

k. Luke Kuechly’s a lucky man. Two weeks in a row now.

“Lucky… TO BE SO AWWWEEEESOME!”

l. Terrible pick thrown by Alex Smith. He is sometimes inaccurate, but very rarely makes a dumb throw deep in his own turf. The Marcus Gilchrist pick leading to the go-ahead third-quarter TD, that was dumb.

Yes, but was it mensch-y of him to give the opponents points? This is GOOD GUY Alex Smith, after all.

4. I think, regarding the Pro Football Hall of Fame semifinal vote, the four men I feel for this morning are Steve Tasker, the best special-teams player in history; Gil Brandt, whose career in football deserves to have an airing in the room when the final 15 candidates are debated the day before the Super Bowl; Steve Sabol, whose role in the history of football is undisputed; and Ron Wolf, who set up the long-term greatness of the Packers with the trade for Brett Favre, the hiring of Mike Holmgren, and the convincing—somehow, some way—of Reggie White to sign a free-agent contract in Green Bay. I am glad for the 25 men who have reached the semifinals. All have rich histories and are worthy of the collective consideration of the 46 voters. I look forward to winnowing the list to 15 in the coming weeks.

Ah, finally, another installment of PK lecturing the other Hall voters about how they ruined his future voting options, none of whom are white guys he loves!

7. I think Darnell Dockett is the winner of the NFL’s Most Underrated Interview award.

I would pay any amount of money to see PK try to interview Dockett in King of Diamonds in Miami.

9. I think this is This Week’s Sign of the Journalistic Apocalypse: The lead story on the aol.com front page Thursday night was headlined, “Ex-NFL player makes confession.” Subhead: “Played six seasons with Miami. ‘Nobody in the stands would know.’ ” So of course I look. Aren’t these things designed only to make you look? To get another click? The story is about former Dolphin Channing Crowder saying he urinated on himself during every game of his NFL career. Lord help us.

Expecting decency of the AOL homepage is no less obtuse than expecting an extensive beer selection at Ruby Tuesday.

10. I think these are my non-NFL thoughts of the week:

a. Seen those Bonnie and Clyde ads or billboards? Hope the upcoming TV show is more realistic than the blood spatterings that look nothing like blood.

Too bad PK wasn’t born in a later generation. He would have been great to have around when Mortal Kombat first made it home consoles. “FUCK THE SNES VERSION, THE GENESIS ONE GOT THE BLOOD! WHAT’S THE POINT IF YOU CAN’T HAVE THE BLOOD!?!!” Incidentally, that was also my take on it.

b. I am an incredible know-nothing about the NBA, but there’s a chance I knew what I was talking about when I said the Nets were dumb for thinking you could win an NBA title with an Old Timers team.

HEADLINE: Obvious Thing So Obvious It Is Even Apparent To Idiot

d. The Yankees got better by signing Brian McCann. No doubt about it. Great ballpark for him. But …

e. I know we’re not supposed to care about batting average anymore, but he has hit .242 over the past two years. RBI high over the last four years: 77. I would have liked the signing a lot more in 2009 than 2014.

But, but, you share his lecturing others on celebrations policy. That should be enough to earn your love, shouldn’t it?

i. Tough luck, Iceland. Would have loved to have seen the ultimate World Cup underdog playing in Brazil.

The World Cup does need more Bjork and Sigur Ros jokes.

j. Coffeenerdness: There is not much better in life early on a Sunday morning than the smell of Italian roast coffee wafting through the home.

Think I finally figured out what PK would call an NFL team he owned: The Lofty Wafters.

k. Beernerdness: Tried perhaps my last pumpkin brew for the year (they start to disappear in favor of winter ales now), the River Horse Hipp-o-Lantern Pumpkin Ale from Ewing, N.J., the other night. Not enough pumpkin nose or taste for me. A little too alcohol-laden at 8.7 percent. I’ve had better.

EWWWW GROSS THIS BEER ISN’T SWEET ENOUGH! Quick, hand me those five sugar packets.

n. Duke’s football team has eight more wins than UConn’s.

Wow. Could this be the end of the mighty UConn college football dynasty?

p. Speaking of weird football stats:

Fuck you.

Montclair (N.J.) High School, the alma mater of my two daughters, won a New Jersey state tournament game Saturday against Union City while recovering three onside kicks.

Should rename it RIVERBOATVILLE

Who I Like Tonight

San Francisco 23, Washington 20. This will be a better game than people think, and not just because the Niners have to travel.

That’s right, gang. Other factors beyond the level of attentiveness of the crew on an airplane can affect who wins a football game. Strange, but true.

With ace guard Mike Iupati out, and with Washington linebackers London Fletcher and Perry Riley having good seasons in the run game, the result could turn on Colin Kaepernick’s ability to hit three or four balls downfield (which he’s struggled to do all season), or his ability to make front-seven Washingtonians miss.

frontseven

frontseven2

frontseven3

eyebleed

The Adieu Haiku

Dan Dierdorf rode his
bike to the Hall as a kid.
Forever Canton.

Cool, he can stay there
Far, far away from the booth
Grunting to himself

For reals, if you could search the darkest corners of my mind, you still couldn’t come close to the horrors that is Peter King writing poetry about Dan Dierdorf. Reality is scary, y’all.