To the Community of Upper St. Clair;

I’m sure by now you’ve heard allegations that I stiffed a guy 10 grand I supposedly owed for boarding my four dogs, and an arbitration panel is making me pay him. I’m sure you’ve also heard that I’m being sued for backing out of a $1 million house deal and then trashing the place. I’d like to dispel a few inaccuracies in these reports.

First, I paid the man $3,000, which frankly is more than I should have given him. The media reported that I had to get rid of two of the bulldogs because they became so aggressive that I had to get rid of them. FILTHY LIES. The opposite is true. This shithead fed and cared for them over a few weeks such that when I got them back, the pussies were USELESS for guard duty. How the hell am I going to know that my family is protected from the roving gangs that surely prowl Upper St. Clair if I entrust my guard dogs to the care of a man who refuses to beat them senselessly with a two-pound ribeye and then feed it to the other dogs while they are forced to watch? I should be suing HIM for child endangerment.

With regards to the second lawsuit, the idea that we backed out of a $1 million house deal is absurd. I could buy this whole fucking community if I wanted. I’m Todd Fucking Haley, bitches. I’ve probably got about 30 $1 million homes I don’t even REMEMBER buying. Second, it wasn’t me who trashed the place, it was the goddamn MIDGETS we hired for my wife’s birthday party who found our cocaine stash, and we have already gotten a refund and an apology from the booking agency. So GET YOUR FACTS RIGHT, LAMESTREAM MEDIA.

I’d also like to go ahead and preempt another lawsuit that I BET that fucker Frank Garrison on Elm Street is cooking up. He’s probably going to accuse me of driving my Camaro onto his property in the middle of the night when I was drunk and then doing donuts on his lawn until it looked like FedEx Field after the Trail of Tears passed through during a derecho. It’s pretty clear he’s just pissed that after five passes at his wife, she’s clearly warming to me. TODD FUCKING HALEY WON’T BE DENIED.

I’m also tired of being accused by Greg Jackson over on Evergreen Lane of letting my dogs shit on his lawn. I’M shitting on his lawn. I know it was you who called the cops when I had a pissing marksmanship competition at 3 a.m. with two of my buddies using the toys in your kiddie pool.

In any event, I will win all these lawsuits, because I’m a fucking winner and the rest of you all in this shithole whitebread community of accountants are goddamn losers. Except for the dog lawsuit. I lost that one obviously. But don’t worry, Todd Fucking Haley always gets the last laugh. I sprung for the expedited shipping on Amazon today for the family size container of lighter fluid. Not even sure how I’m gonna use it yet. I’ll leave that up to ‘ol Jack Daniels this Friday night! In any event, fuck all of you, eat shit, and go Steelers.

Suck my dick bitches,
Todd Fucking Haley, offensive mastermind