I wasn’t dating very actively before I lucked into meeting my wife, and the notion of being single now is foreign and terrifying. For one thing, as someone with a relatively large internet footprint, the idea of using Tinder or OkCupid gives me hives. And, as Aziz Ansari talked about on Conan in the video above, texting makes dating theoretically easy but actually kind of awful in practice. You single folk have my deepest sympathy. Good luck out there.

Let’s get to your questions.

Dear O-3 Caveman,
First and foremost FF: My communist group of friends managed to not invite me to their league this year so I got nothing for ya.

That’s a real bummer. I’m sorry.

Sex: I’m a specialist in the Army (see:cavalry) based out of Ft. Hood, TX. So, I decided to marry my on again off again fling/really good friend for financial gains (insert witty meme about my stupidity here). Knowing I was about to deploy, having just bought a new truck, growing tired of the barracks, and my ETS date looming (June 5th of 2014) it made sense for both of us.

I am going to make a video of myself rubbing my temples, make a GIF of that, and use it in response to paragraphs like that one. You are the Specialistest Specialist that ever Specialisted. And I don’t mean that in a bad way, necessarily; you just fit a certain profile of behavior for young E-3s/E-4s. “Well, I can pay off my truck sooner if I just have this quickie wedding before the deployment…” I know many, MANY Marines who got married before looming deployments. Most of their stories don’t have happy endings.

I met my “wife” a year ago upon arriving to Ft. Hood after PCSing from my prior duty station. Initially things went well, but due to a lot of horseshit circumstances and events (it would be a long ass email) things never worked out as a couple. Now using my infinite wisdom I remained friends with her though I did try pushing her away, but it was hard and I continually caved into her attempts to reconnect. Basically, we’ve had sex/shared feeling and i’ve went to great lengths to be there for someone for over a year when I knew/know it’s a lost cause. We married in May prior to my deployment after once again finding ourselves on friendly terms, and that brings us to now.

So you got married AFTER you knew it was a lost cause? Oh man. You discovered the KSK mailbag far too late.

The first few months of being overseas (Egypt, HOLLA!)

egypt

 

Oh nice! And by nice I mean “what a shithole.” Have you been to Mubarak Military City? Please defecate there for me if you get the chance.

we have got along well but I decided I needed to know once and for all just how stupid I was. So, two nights ago I decided to ask (already knowing that though I lust for this girl, I couldn’t ever be with her for a lifetime considering our checkered past) if there was ever going to be an “us”, the answer was some form of “my life is confusing, right now i’d say no”. I am kind of at a crossroads as most of my good friends have moved on back home, i’m going to be moving to northern california to try starting over after i’m out, and i’ll still have to return to texas where i’ll live with her for 3 months before i’ll go on terminal leave. I realize this whole thing was a bad idea, and I got myself into this mess.

lana-yup

Having said that, in that same conversation I told her to stop contacting me unless (caveat incoming) it was bill-related. Due to us being MARRIED we have to communicate as she’s moving our stuff into a new apartment soon/signing a new lease, we have mutual expenses, etc… I want to cut ties as much as possible so I can finally get over this and not have it carry over into my (new) civilian life which would stifle my transition. I am working on myself as much as humanly possible to keep my mind off things(obviously, i’m fucking deployed), I work out, and so forth. As a former servicemember and intercourse/love guru I humbly ask for your advice.
-Exhausted in Egypt

Get a lawyer, and get divorced. For more input, read the comments for input for divorced folks.

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CC –
Fantasy first: Despite transcendentally poor performances from high draft picks (I wish Trent Richardson and Marques Colston would die in the same fire), I’m still in contention. I’ve been offered Jordan Cameron for Victor Cruz. I have Witten at TE, but he’s going into a bye and has had basically two good games all year. When Cruz is good, he’s great, but Eli is on a mission to create the perfect turd sandwich this season, so it’s a bit feast or famine. If I trade Cruz, I still have Jordy (no Aaron Rogers), Garcon, The Resurgent Aaron Dobson, and Boldin and Colston (who can both eat a bag of dicks). At RB, I have Forte, Tate and his cracked ribs, and the shitshow that is the Indy backfield with Richardson and Donald Brown.

Do I trade what may be my best WR going forward for a clear upgrade at TE? It’s worth noting that the guy proposing the trade has only one loss on the season, so if Cruz works out, he’s gonna be stacked.

The guy’s stacked either way. I like the upgrade to Jordan Cameron, particularly because of Witten’s sudden irrelevance — after years of him being Romo’s favorite toy, Dez and Terrance Williams have surpassed him, even in the red zone. The loss of Cruz hurts, for sure, but Garcon’s at or near the top of the league in targets, and Dobson’s emerged as the Pats’ top wide receiver. There’s even room to be optimistic about Boldin and Colston: the former should get some breathing room when Michael Crabtree returns, while the latter just had his first 100-yard game of the year.

Finally, settle a bet. In the numerous back and forth text threads, someone suggested that based on performance, Richardson be called T-Bitch. I find that a bit on the nose, and suggested T-Poor, only to get shouted down. Can I get a ruling?

At the risk of coming down on the wrong side of a gender slur debate, I prefer T-Bitch. T-Poor requires an extra step of thought to make the antonym connection, and my brain prefers the easy rhyme.

Sex: Been married since I was 24; now 13 years in. At this point, it’s like owning an NBA team (forgive the cross metaphor). You’re getting 3 games a week, some good, some bad, with the occasional back to back thrown in. Woe betide the dog days, and sadly rebuilding through the draft isn’t an option.
-Carl Yastrzemski

Hey, if you’re getting three games a week thirteen seasons in, I’d say you’re enjoying a pretty solid career.

**********

Hey. How’s it going?

Actually, things are fine. I just miss “Mad Men.”

Fantasy: I’m in a 16 team dynasty league. 6 pts for passing touchdown. PPR. Start 2 RBs. 4 division leaders make playoffs (and recoup entry fees), plus 4 wild cards. I’m not particularly happy with the format, but it’s my best way to keep in contact with this group of guys.

After a pretty strong performance over the past few years, my team has completely fallen off of the table. I knew I was pushing it a bit heading into this season, but age has finally caught up to the core of my team. I’m tied with two other owners for last place in the league at 3-7, but I’m only one win out of first in my division (as things stand, I’d win the tie-breakers – but that could easily change).

My players include: Russell Wilson, Jason Campbell, Ray Rice, Arian Foster, Brandon Boldin, Torrey Smith, Marques Colston, Nate Washington, Nate Burlson, Kyle Rudolph, and other waiver wire-level talent.

Okay, so there’s some hope there with Wilson and Torrey Smith, though I don’t think I’d want any of those other scrubs, even in a 16-team league.

So, two questions:
1- Should I make a push to compete over the next few weeks, hoping to squeak into the playoffs? Or, should I try to make a few deals by the upcoming trade deadline and tank to maximize my draft pick?

Depends. If there’s a cash payout for making the playoffs, go for it. But if you need to make a run in the playoffs to cash out, let’s not kid ourselves — even taking into account the talent dilution of a 16-team league, I don’t have faith in that roster to carry you to a championship. Setting up for next year may be the wiser option.

2- I’m kind of lost on how to value draft picks for trade purposes in a dynasty league. Any advice would be appreciated.

A lot of it depends on the size of your roster, how much of it you keep from year to year, and how many rounds your draft goes. Without those details — and given my lack of dynasty league experience — I’m probably the wrong person to ask for general tips beyond this: “do whatever Bill Belichick would do.”

Sex: My wife has expressed interest in watching porn together before/during sex. I’m totally on board and think it might be a relatively easy way to break some of our routines in bed. She has put me in charge of selecting what we’ll watch. She’s pretty game to try new things sexually on my suggestion, but not terribly adventuresome herself. Most of the porn I watch is way more filthy than what I think she’d want to see. She’d also probably appreciate better production values than a GoPro and a dirty mattress. Any advice on where to start looking for beginner level porn?
Signed,
I tried to find a sexy pic of Alison Williams, but came up with bupkiss.

I’d recommend easing your wife into porn slooooooowwwwwwwwly: Cinemax, unrated foreign films, NC-17 and hard-R flicks with classic sex scenes — I’m sure that sounds lame to the point of being not-porn, but that gives your wife the option of saying, “You know, I’m looking for something harder,” and not “Oh my God! GROSS!”

But what do your do once you determine absolutely 100% for sure that she’s genuinely interested in straight-up pornography? Well, I took the trouble of Googling “female-friendly porn,” and guess what? Marie Claire has all your answers. Thanks, women’s publication!

As for Alison Williams, c’mon now. Step up your Google-fu.

**********

Dear Dr. Caveman,
How are your squads doing?

My six teams are a combined 33-24 (one league didn’t start matchups until Week 2). All are in playoff contention, though I expect two of them to miss the cut. Thanks, Roddy White and Trent Richardson!

I’m in a PPR, otherwise standard scoring league. I have a deep but lackluster team, leaving me with quite a few choices to make this week. The only locks I have are Lacy and Josh Gordon, so please pick any 3 of the following for my flexes: Fitzy @ Jax, Ellington @ Jax, Andre Brown vs. GB, Woodhead @ Mia, Douglas @ TB, Boykin @ NYG, and Dobson @ Car.

What say you?

Wow, three flexes? That’s pretty cool. I’d go with the RBs: Ellington, Brown, and Woodhead. Fitty simply hasn’t been himself this season — we can’t just blame it on Carson Palmer and that O-line — Douglas just got added to the injury report, and Dobson’s got a tough matchup with Carolina. Boykin had a great day with Scott Tanziel last week and the Giants are a favorable matchup, but I think the RBs are all safer plays, especially with all of them having good pass-catching skills.

No sex question so here’s Aria Giovanni as a pinup girl. Tasteful? YOU BET.
-Q.

aria

**********

Hi Matt,
Football: I’m in two leagues, one with high school friends, and one with some American colleagues in Shanghai (unfortunately we could only round up 8). Since it’s on at crazy hours none of us can watch a ton of football, though as a yinzer, I try to at least watch the Steelers replay. I’m basically dominating a league of low-information players in Shanghai, and getting destroyed by high-information players back in PA. How much pride am I allowed to take in my inevitable small-pond championship when my American team is so miserable?

AS MUCH AS YOU GODDAMN WANT.

I did a televised draft with low-level sports pundits for Michelle Beadle’s rarely-watched show on NBC Sports Network. We set up the league, drafted (I chose LeSean McCoy at fifth overall ahead of Doug Martin and Arian Foster because I am a GOD), and then the show promptly got canceled. It’s now an 8-person ghost town of a league, with only one other owner regularly adding and dropping players. I don’t care: I’m 9-0 and DOMINATING the non-competition. It’s totally stupid and pointless, and I don’t care. Winning feels nice.

In a year where I got jammed with shitty draft position in my three ultra-competitive leagues; where I started five waiver-wire pick-ups on one team last week; where I dropped Hakeem Nicks, Roddy White, and Michael Vick from the same team a few weeks back — that sham of a Harlem Globetrotters fantasy team is something I get to relax and enjoy. You should feel the same with your expat league.

Sex: I moved to Shanghai after college and started a relationship with another expat, Elodie (from France). Our relationship has been great for over a year now, without much stress or many fights, and lots of sex. It’s my first serious relationship and we took each others’ virginity.

Wait, you graduated college and moved to China without ever having sex? Wow.

The other day, Elodie pointed out the obvious fact that for work reasons (we both work for big MNCs), we likely will both leave China soon, but at different points within the next year, and for different parts of the world. She asked whether I’d consider going long distance if/when that happens. Given our youth, the lack of a specific end date (or end place), etc. I told her I probably wouldn’t and that I wanted to be very upfront about that. Her reply was basically, if you think you’re going to break up with me eventually, do it sooner rather than later.

Look at you two! Both being adults like a couple of … adults.

Now I don’t think it’s impossible that I would eventually end up with this girl forever (if that became clear, I would obviously end the relationship). I really do care about her, and she’s my best friend, period. But I’ve always viewed an eventual breakup as the likeliest outcome just based on our youth and statelessness. But also, the virginity thing is pretty obviously at play here for me.

It shouldn’t be. Your emotional tie to your first sexual partner is colored by the fact that you’ve only had one sexual partner.

Then again, I’m wary of what someone wrote in a few weeks ago about “The One” syndrome and letting the perfect be the opposite of the really great. But again, first serious relationship here, so how the hell am I supposed to weigh these conflicting impulses if I have nothing to compare it to?

PRECISELY. Go out, live life, gain experience, date other people, and have something to compare it to. Expats have a tendency to keep bouncing around the world; if you later decide that you should have followed Elodie across the globe, then you’ll probably still have that chance.

(Or not. Maybe she’ll settle down and get married back in France. But by that point, it won’t matter, because you’ll have already met a variety of people you find equally interesting / sexy / smart / good in bed.)

I get her “sooner rather than later” sentiment. The thing is, it could be a good 9 months before either of us actually leaves Shanghai. A lot could change. Is it monstrous of me to continue a relationship that makes us both happy, even if I’m thinking that I don’t want to be with her forever?
-Yinz/Yang

Continuing to have good sex with someone you like for nine months certainly makes more sense to ME, but I happen to be a sex-driven monster who can stamp out my emotions for months on end. I respect Elodie’s maturity; I suspect she’s chosen to limit the pain of loss by not investing an additional nine months of memories with someone who doesn’t want to maintain an indefinite low-reward international long-distance relationship. And JESUS, just typing that made me shiver. Bravo to you for not falling prey to that. Impeccable judgment.

Anyway, you should be supportive and respectful of her decision, and let her know that you still have feelings for her, blah blah blah, the usual palliatives. Then give it three or four weeks. One of you will drunkenly text the other “I miss you” and BOOM. You’ll be having sex again.