twitterball

Hello, friends. Just like you, I enjoy fantasy football. I like writing about it here, and I like making videos about it (something that takes up the lion’s share of my week at work). But, as some of you may have noticed, I’m not so great about responding to fantasy questions on Twitter.

That’s because I really prefer answering fantasy questions in this here mailbag, which has the space for me to stretch out and answer your questions with a little more thought and analysis. Plus it requires you to share something that’s going on in your personal/sexual/love life, and that helps me think of you as a human, rather than an anonymous hungry mouth demanding fantasy nourishment. I prefer our informal social contract that helps me get to know y’all.

So please: if you have fantasy questions, hit us up over email. It’s a lot more fun for everyone that way.

Hello Captain,
I hope things are well for you. I’ll start with my football question. I’m in a 12 team league where I’m the top scoring team but also have the most points against. I’m sure you know how that goes. Anyway, I need to decide between two of the following three to fill in at RB and flex: Chris Ivory @ Baltimore, Rashard Jennings vs. Tennessee or DeAngelo Williams @ Miami. I’m thinking Ivory and Jennings.

Concur. Williams hasn’t had 60+ rushing yards since Week 6, and his carries have gone down dramatically since Jonathan Stewart’s return.

Relationship – I’m concerned that my wife is becoming or is now a borderline alcoholic. For about the past year she has taken to drinking three or four times a week to the point where she is noticeably impaired. She will slur her speech somewhat, she repeats conversation topics several times without realizing she is doing it.

Oh no. After drunk driving, “repeating conversation topics” is perhaps the worst thing you can do after too much booze. I’m not kidding. I’d rather get punched by an angry drunk than hear the same slurred story twice.

At first, I didn’t think it was a big deal and she seemed to be more interested in sex when she had a bit to drink. But, more often she just falls asleep on the couch after having three or four drinks. Now when I say three or four drinks, I mean she has a pint glass that is half Diet Coke and half rum. Depending on the week she might finish off a 1.75 of rum in four or five days.

Wow. That is a great deal faster than I consume whiskey, and I drink more than my share.

At this point she doesn’t miss work, gets up in the morning and gets the kids off to school and doesn’t drink during the day. She doesn’t drink and drive and really only drinks at home. I confronted her about six months ago about my concerns and she said it was related to stress from work and the drinking seemed to lessen for a while. Now it is back and the same stuff is occurring. My kids will even notice sometimes the issues like repetitive conversations but they don’t realize what is causing it.

I don’t have any real experience with alcoholism (despite my attempts at it in college) so I’m not sure how much to push on this with her.
Thanks,
Bacardi Stock Holder

I’m probably the wrong person to dole out advice here, simply because of my own drinking habits. That said, I don’t think she’s a full-blown alcoholic. Alcoholics are controlled by the drink, to the detriment of their work and family. If your wife’s responsibilities at her job and as a mother aren’t compromised, then I’d argue that she doesn’t have a serious problem.

Of course, that doesn’t mean she has NO problem. There are better, healthier ways to deal with stress than drinking — yoga, exercise, therapy, etc. — and if that’s her excuse, then you need to help her alleviate that stress. Offer to make dinner/pick up the kids from school on certain days so that she can go to the gym or take a jog around the park or whatever it is that works for her besides two pints of dark rum.

If you approach the problem as “Hey, I’ve noticed you’ve been drinking more, and I’m concerned you’re too stressed, how can I help?” you’re going to get a better response than if you say, “I’m worried you’re an alcoholic.”

**********

Ahoy Captain!

Fantasy First: I’m currently in first place in an awesome, hyper-competitive 14 team league. It’s got tons of shit talking, a great live draft that everyone shows up to and an active trade block/waiver wire. It’s my first year in the league — I was invited by my cousin (last year’s champion), who is currently in second to last place.

We are now being accused of collusion following what I considered to be a minor trade. Knowing that I needed an upgrade at tight end over Heath Miller (who I’ve since traded), he offered me Charles Clay straight up for Brandon Bolden.

Perfectly fair trade.

Clay was buried on his bench behind Gronk and would never have seen the light of the day given his other flex options. It was, in essence, us swapping a bench player for a bench player.

The trade was approved by a three person trade panel and no one said shit about the deal until more than a week later, after Clay turned out to be the difference in my victory over another team.

I definitely got the better end of the deal, but I think the sudden cries of collusion are a bit much. There was no discussion of the deal beforehand–he just offered it and I accepted. So what say you? Collusion or not?

It’s not merely “not collusion,” it’s your league-mates being sour hindsight-using crybabies.

Sex: Nothing much to report on this end — being single ain’t half bad. Please accept this GIF of Jennifer Love Hewitt in a corset as penance.
-LML

This is apparently from a 2005 movie called The Truth About Love, co-starring Dougray Scott, who somehow crammed three first names into his name.

As part of a drunken bet with her sister, a happily married woman sends an anonymous Valentine’s card to her husband to see if he hides it. When he does, what was a prank leads to a series of events and revelations that puts her marriage at risk, and leaves her looking for revenge.

Oh man, that sounds awful. I MUST WATCH IT.

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Cap’n,
FANTASY: I recently started a new job, and my new coworkers participate in a fantasy league that features a flex position. The wrinkle is that you can start a QB at this flex position. Please mock accordingly.

I do not like your league settings.

But that’s not why I am writing in. My mediocre team is on the cusp of the playoffs (in a separate, normal league), and I am staring at either Matt Ryan (vs NO) or Case Keenum (vs Jax). I will start whomever you instruct me to.

Keenum. My reasons for sitting Matt Ryan are in this week’s episode of Keepers:

SEAMLESS INTEGRATION AS ALWAYS

SEX: My wife is 5 months preggo with our second boy, with our first being 18 months old. Our bedroom activities roughly simulate [crickets chirping]. Got any suggestions?
-Long Time Reader, First Time Emailer

Submitting to her whims — sexual or otherwise — and masturbating in your few moments alone.

**********

Dear KSK,
Sex Part: A little while back I played tennis with a female friend (she’s a pole dance instructor, so let’s call her “Natasha”), and afterwards we went back to her place to have a beer. 

Yes. Good start. I like this.

She got changed into a sundress and we headed out to the back yard, where I took up residence in the hammock and she settled down on a towel in the grass. After a few minutes, Natasha decided that she wanted to get rid of the tan lines left from wearing a sports bra, so she proceeded to take off her dress (to my surprise, she was wearing nothing underneath) and lay out buck-ass naked in the sun. Pretty sweet, right?

fuckyeah

sploosh-lesnar

fireworks-sploosh

Did I mention that I’m married?

No. No you did not.

andy-murray-fuck

Nothing happened – and it’s not like this has the potential to become an ongoing temptation because she has since left the state. But there’s that old saying that if you’re doing something you don’t want your spouse to find out about, it’s cheating. And I know my wife would NOT be cool with this situation AT ALL. I don’t feel like I did anything wrong – I just drank my beer at a slower pace than usual and admired the view of Natasha’s very nicely toned ass until she put her clothes back on – but I’m just wondering…what’s the appropriate play here? Get all Puritan and insist she cover up? Gouge out the offending eye? Go back inside? Go home?

I don’t know what you could have done differently — besides, you know, NOT play tennis with a pole dancing instructor and then go back to her place for beers. You know, now that I put all that into one sentence, I think your wife may be cooler than you give her credit for.

Anyway, as a married male, being faithful isn’t so much about not cheating as it is not putting yourself in situations where you have to make a decision about cheating. And yeah, tennis with a female friend? Perfectly fine. Having a beer with her after? Not bad. Hanging out alone with a nude woman at her house? SUDDENLY NOT OKAY.

Given that Natasha put you in an awkward position by stripping down, the only thing you could have done “better” from a marriage/faithful standpoint is finish your beer quickly, excuse yourself without looking, and hurry home to tell your wife that you won’t be hanging out with Natasha any more. But I think you and I both know you did the most sensible thing: you enjoyed the view, stayed true to your wife, and kept it a secret to avoid an awkward conversation.

Fantasy Part: Thanks to Fetushead’s obscenely good year, I’m sitting in fourth place in my 12-person money league. Scoring is kind of insane (6 pt passing touchdowns, 1 pt per 20 yards rushing/receiving, tons of bonuses, two-week championship game) and had San Francisco’s offense put up just four more yards I’d have clinched the wild card spot, but instead I’ll need a win this week to get into the playoffs. I’m trying to decide whether it’s finally time to bench T-Bitch.

Past time, yo.

Unfortunately, my only other options at running back are Bobby Rainey (@DET), and McFadden (questionable vs. TEN). If I do decide to stick with Richardson, I’ll have to bench one of the following: T.Y. Hilton (@ARI), Keenan Allen (@KC), Amendola ( vs. DEN), or Gonzales (questionable vs. NOS). My inclination is to stick with Richardson and let Gonzales sit, but I’d really appreciate some advice.

Sit Richardson, start Rainey. The Lions are good against the run, but not good enough to stand by T-Rich.

In gratitude, please accept this photo of world class pole dancer Natasha Wang.

NatashaWang

Your truly,
Creeping Tom

Great, now I have to go to a strip club. Nobody tell my wife. Dammit she reads this column. Never mind.

(Sorry for the shorter length this week, folks — I included every email I got. Want a longer mailbag? Write in.)