Everbank Field, Jacksonville, Fla. — Nov. 8 at 9 a.m., shortly before practice…
JAGUARS FAN #1: Boo!
JAGUARS FANS #2 and #3: Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo!
JAGUARS COACH GUS BRADLEY: Who are you?
FAN #1: We are the Fans Who Say… ‘Boo’!
FAN #3: Boo!
BRADLEY: No! Not the Fans Who Say ‘Boo’!
FAN #1: The same!
OFFENSIVE COORDINATOR JEDD FISCH: Who are they?
FAN #1: We are the keepers of the sacred words: ‘Boo,’ ‘Fire Caldwell,’ and ‘We Don’t Care If The Game’s Blacked Out Because We Were Going To Watch The Dolphins Game Anyway!’
BRADLEY: Coaches who hear them seldom last the rest of the regular season!
FAN #1: The Fans Who Say ‘Boo’ demand a sacrifice!
BRADLEY: Fans Who Say Boo, we are but simple coaches who seek to better the team by having Chad Henne check it down to our below-average receivers.
FAN #1: Boo!
FANS #2 and #3: Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo!
BRADLEY: Ow! Ow! Ow! Agh!
FAN #1: We shall say ‘boo’ again to you if you do not appease us.
BRADLEY: Well, what is it you want?
FAN #1: We want you… to beat the Titans!
FAN #1: Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo!
BRADLEY and ASSISTANT COACHES: Ow! Oh!
BRADLEY: Please, please! No more! We will find a way to beat the Titans.
FAN #1: You must defeat the Titans or else you will never pass through this regular season … employed.
BRADLEY: O Fans Who Say Boo, you are just and fair, and we will return from Nashville with a victory.
FAN #1: One where we score more than 20 points.
BRADLEY: Of course.
FAN #1: And where Maurice Jones-Drew scores a touchdown.
FAN #1: Now… go!
*The Jaguars defeat the Titans 29-27 for their first win of the season*
BRADLEY: O Fans Who Say Boo, we have defeated the Titans. May we remain employed?
FAN #1: It is a good win. I liked Dwayne Gratz’s interception particularly. But there is one small problem.
BRADLEY: What is that?
FAN #1: We are now… no longer the Fans Who Say Boo. We are now the Fans Who Say Let’s Go To Church Instead.
FAN #2: Boo!
FAN #1: Therefore, we must give you a test.
BRADLEY: What is this test, O Fans Who– Fans Who ‘Til Recently Said ‘Boo’?
FAN #1: Firstly, you must get… another win!
BRADLEY: Not another win!
FAN #1: Then, when you have defeated the Cardinals, you must beat the second-mightiest team in Texas … wiiiiiiiiith… Ricky Stanzi!
BRADLEY: We shall do no such thing!
FAN #1: Oh, please!
BRADLEY: Defeat the Texans with Ricky Stanzi? I’ve got a better chance of getting a mansion in Beverly Hills in Los Angeles.
FAN #1: Augh! Ohh! Don’t say that word.
BRADLEY: What word?
FAN #1: I cannot tell, suffice to say is one of the words the Fans Who Say Boo cannot hear.
BRADLEY: How can we not say the word if you don’t tell us what it is?
FISCH: Coach, it’s General Manager David Caldwell!
DRUNK FAN: [singing while following Caldwell] Injury-prone players, and trading draft picks, and guaranteed money, Yes, boldly he is destroying our city’s team.
BRADLEY: Mr. Caldwell!
CALDWELL: Coach! It’s good to see you. How did you enjoy London?
FAN #1: Now he’s said one of the words!
BRADLEY: Could’ve been better. Surely you’ve not given up your search for a decent wide receiver?
DRUNK FAN: [singing] He’s trading away prospects and fucking up–
CALDWELL: Shut up! No, no. No. Far from it, I was checking out prospects in San Antonio the other day.
FAN #1: He said another one of the words!
CALDWELL: I was looking for one in Jacksonville as well.
BRADLEY: No, you won’t find one anywhere near this place. Have you tried Portland?
FAN #1: Aaaaugh! Stop saying the words! The words we cannot hear!
BRADLEY: Oh, just stop it! *coaches leave*
FAN #1: At least he didn’t say Toronto! Wait! I said Toronto! Ooh! I said Toronto again! And there again! That’s three ‘Torontos’! Ohh!
I want more like this!
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