costanza

I get alot of folks who ask me what my writing process is like. Some authors watch bullfights and drink strictnine, some folks go live in the woods and have weird poops for two years to get inspiration. In this segment, I’m going to take the day’s best internet comment and FJM it to show you just where they went wrong and how I would tweak there takes to improve them. Today we’re looking at a comment on a Pittsburgh Post-Gazette Column. (H/T to @IAmSpillyfor bringing this to my attention)

Internet Comment of the Day: Joseph Sinkovic at The Pittsburgh Post-Gazette Gives His Take On Why The Steelers Lost Yesterday

comment

Let’s dig in:

Tomlen,

This is obviously not Josephs first internet comment and he announces himselve with a bang. This is a old trick I use occasionally with mispelling the name of a person in the very first word of my take. It sets a stage,, it lets you know that Im coming and Im COMING HARD. Jonathan doesn’t care about spelling. He cares about telling and if you don’t like it well you can go tell it on the mountain chump. The only stronger move then this is to start off with a obscure nickname for the coach that you use, maybe like “Uncle Tomlen” if you really want to get edgy with it.

coaches ,Colburt all need to go.

Strong comma game there too. If you put the space before the comma you force your audience to think about the last word you said then after they’ve thought about it, they have to deal with the real comma so its like a double breath. I prefer the classic literary devise of the double-comma “,,” but this is a regional technique specific to the restrooms of Primanti brothers. Its a pregnant pause aka a Tillman Timeout. Then he mispells the name of the GM- his second misspelled name out of his first three words. He’s getting  a little too cocky with it IMO here, he needs to dial it down or else he’ll start to look foolish.

The Rooney rule experiment is over. 

Nailed it. First of all he calls it a “experiment” which is a great technique I use all the time to undermind a smarter persons opinoin. You can declare all sorts of things to be experiments: DNA, the forward pass, Mike Tirico, the interstate highway system- you name it. The Rooney Rule is the gift that keeps on giving to internet scribes, its literally a law that a Obama supporter invented that FORCES teams to pretty much hire minorities which gives you what we call a “instant angle” when things start going badly. I would of considered throwing in a “Not to be racist but…” at the start of this sentence not because Im soft, but because if I tossed that in there I would of given myself permission to maybe make the rest of my take a little bit more racist and say something like “not to be racist but the Rooney rule experiment/entitlement is over and Mike Tomlins not a HC, hes a MC folks.”

Didn’t work.

Nope. Sorry. Didnt work. Look it up. This is a long the same lines of my “You have to admit” gambit,, its a game change and its airtight.

Everybody has a Peter Point and Tomlen reached his awhile back.

This one takes a bit of unpacking here. So Im guessing hes referring to the Peter Principal which as Jonathan understands it is that “a coach will keep getting promoted until he goes to a Superbowl a couple times then has a down year.” Again he goes back to misspelling his coaches name which is like when dogs won’t look the other in the eye as a sign of dominance. Jonathans demonstrating that hes pack leader here, very, very effective IMO.

Time to go in a different direction. Team needs to get a lighter shade of pale.

/drops mic. This might be a little TO strong here. If I have to take points off Im taking them off here because this sentence doesnt really make sense. First of all your coming out and directly saying that you need a White coach instead. Dont do that. Show me, dont tell me. You have to say, “its time to bring in a coach that will actualy direct his offense with a playbook instead of just reading the liner notes from a Chingy album folks.” Its better if you let the audience connect the dots themselves and its more subtle so you arent technically being a racist. Plenty of White people listen to rap music too, so you have a ready-made defense against the PC Police if they try to call you out on it.

Jon also missed a great chance to make a “50 Shades of Grey” reference about Big Bens dick here SMH, and then he compounded that mistake with not having a go at a play on words while calling for more of a “lunchpale” mentality instead of a “foodstamp mentality” which dances on the edge of good taste but is only racist if the other guy takes it to be racist.

All in all I give Jonathan Sinkovic a 8/10 for his take on Mike Tomlen and how hes turned the “Steelers “into the “Stealers.” Theres room for improvement but all in all this is a great way to start off your week.