Jake Locker
“Ryan Fitzpatrick is playing great, but there’s no way he’s as comfortable as I am right now.”

Last Week: 2-1
Last Week’s Stupid Ass Single-Game Parlay: LOSS

About that… 5-1 over two weeks! I’m moving to Vegas, I’ll send for my wife and belongings in due time.

Stupid Ass Single Game-Parlays Overall: 1-7
Overall: 21-16-1

Onward, friends.

Stupid Ass Single-Game Parlay of the Week

Tampa Bay Buccaneers +9 at Detroit Lions and UNDER 49 points

Most of these parlays have depended on “good” teams. It might be time to go in another direction. I’m taking the sh*tty underdog and the the joyless Under bet. Because nothing makes a bad football game worse than rooting against points.

Home Favorite of the Week

Green Bay Packers -5 vs. Minnesota Vikings

The Packers are playing with a terrible third string quarterback due to injury. The Vikings are playing with a terrible backup quarterback because they have three of them. Even with Tolzien, the Packers are the easy favorites. Say what you want about Tolzien, but at least he didn’t get benched last week.

Home Dog of the Week

Oakland Raiders +1 vs. Tennessee Titans

match of the century

Yeah, I made that.

Road Dog of the Week

Chicago Bears +1 vs. St. Louis Rams

More awful backups, because football is dangerous and should not be played by anyone under any circumstances. Not only are half of the league’s quarterbacks hurt (probably), but all of them will die one day (almost assuredly). For now, it’s McCown vs. somebody who should just hand off to Zac Stacy 35 times and sit the fuck down.

Literal Dog of the Week

sad puppy

Sad puppy via Reddit.

Fantasy Matchup of the Week

fantasy matchup

Submitted by Senor Flubby.

Pro Tip of the Week

Try as I might, I’m probably not going to be able to help you make any money. However, I can offer tips that will help you out in other walks of life. It could be a recommendation on something to read, advice on lighting for your home, something useful I learned on the internet, or, more likely, something about food.

You can keep yourself from crying while chopping onions by chewing gum, or using a knife rubbed with canola oil. Or you can just cut the onion twice as fast as you normally would so that you finish before the tears set in.

Send me an email if you would like to submit a Fantasy Matchup or a Pro Tip for future consideration.