bad-wedding

Sometimes people ask me about wedding planning, because it can be a difficult process, and I happen to have survived it without too many roadblocks (it was the aftermath I had trouble with). In general, weddings are an absolute delight while also being highway robbery that pads the coffers of BIG FLOWER and BIG CATERING. But hey, some folks have money to burn. And if you happen to be planning Brewster’s Wedding, by all means shell out for:

  • top-shelf open bar
  • photo booth
  • taco bar
  • late-night mini-donut machine
  • various personal touches
  • fire dancers
  • Fleetwood Mac as your wedding band
  • more hors d’oeuvres. Always more hors d’oeuvres

And now a list of things to NEVER spend extra money on:

Yikes. No.

Let’s dive in to your emails:

Ahoy, Captain,
Fantasy First. I’m in an 8-team rotisserie league, and all but one of the participants are playing fantasy for the first time (myself included). I found myself immediately addicted, but my inexperience has truly fucked me. I didn’t pay enough attention to receivers in the draft, and now I’m paying for it with second to last place (over 200 pts behind the leader).

I’ve managed to work the waivers, free agency, and trades enough to end up with this:

QB: Andrew Luck, Matt Stafford
WR: the Fitz, Stevie Johnson, Torrey Smith, Alshon Jeffery, Julian Edelman
RB: Reggie Bush, Ray Rice, Chris Johnson, Fred Jackson
TE: Jason Witten, Jordan Cameron
K: Nick Novak (swapped for Mason Crosby this week with an agreement with the rest of the league to let me pick him back up)
DEF/ST: Kansas City, Arizona

I’ve been getting bye-week boned and ended up with an even number of RBs and WRs, though I’d rather have another WR. (had to drop Reuben Randle for Fred Jackson since Rice and Johnson were on byes on the same week)

I’ve been getting consistent numbers from all but the WR position, so my question remains: who should I use as trade fodder to improve my lineup? Also looking for a recommended starting lineup (no flex, 3WR, 1TE, 2RB)

Reggie Bush and, yes, Fred Jackson are both top-10 fantasy backs so far, so you should be starting them for now. Same goes for Alshon Jeffery and Torrey Smith — they should fill two of your three WR slots every week.

With Jordan Cameron being perhaps the best fantasy TE behind Jimmy Graham, you should be looking to ship Witten off — most fantasy leagues have an idiot Cowboy fan who’s eager to get as many Cowboys as possible on his team. If that’s not the case for you, I’d try to package Witten and Rice together for an upgrade to Larry Fitzgerald. Or Witten and Fitz. Or, with Lions bye this week, you can commit to Matt Stafford after Sunday and Andrew Luck.

Sex: Recently I moved across the country far from home to Virginia Beach (deep in the heart of Redskins Country is the wrong place for a die-hard cowboys fan), and I hate it here and plan to move back in April, but it did open up an opportunity: a girl from high school I had my eyes on (she was aware of my feelings) moved here for Marines training. I never really stopped liking her, but I don’t know how to approach it. She’s extremely shy,

A shy Marine? That’s a new one.

and I don’t want to ruin my friendship with her. How could I go about turning it into something more?

Your advice would please the humble
-BV

What good is your “friendship” with her if what you want is a physical relationship? “I don’t know if she’ll date me, but I don’t want to mess up the unsatisfactory arrangement we presently have.” Fuck that. If she’s a Marine, then she’s presently being pursued by 15-20 alpha males; you don’t have a ton of room for subtlety.

So just ask her out. Facebook, text message, whatever means of communication you have available. “Hey, pretty cool that we’re both in this dilapidated armpit of maritime industry! Let’s get a drink and hang out.” She’ll say yes because she’s in a new place and wants to see a familiar face, and then you hang out. Get a good haircut and wear stylish clothes, two things Marines are terrible at, which should raise your stock in comparison to her other suitors. If things go well, you kiss her. If she doesn’t want to date you, who cares? You’re moving in April anyway.

**********

Dear KSK,
I love my submissive fiancé but I can’t help but wonder about what it would be like to be dominated by her. If it’s nowhere near her wheelhouse, how do I coax her into putting the smackdown on me?

Go ahead and give your fiancée that extra E, unless you’re trying to make her more dominant by giving her the masculine spelling.

Anyway, you guys are getting married, which means you should both be able to have frank and open discussions about what you want in life, and that includes what you want in the bedroom (or S&M dungeon, I don’t know your real estate situation).

Personally, I think the best time to talk about sex fantasies with your partner is right after you have sex. “Hey, that was really great … Is there anything else I can do that would make it better for you? … blah blah blah … Well, there IS one thing I think it would be fun to try.” If she does it, cool. If it’s not for her, well, it’s not for her and that’s that. We don’t get to act out every fantasy we have. That’s a downside of monogamy. (The upside is stability and never going on a first date ever again.)

So I was tired of not having any fun because all my opponents are in 65 other leagues; they can’t squander their day (like me) managing their teams AND talking shit. Here’s what I suggested:

“A few of you are in more than 2 leagues. This is unacceptable. We’ve all forgotten why we got into this in the first place: to shame each other and ridicule our choices … in life and in fantasy league.

I think it’s Cap and Steve who fell into a disastrous 14-person league. That is fucking gay and you should kill yourself. Let’s get back to what’s important here, people: trading insults.

If it’s money you’re after, I would remind you that this is all dumb luck anyway and you’re a tiny speck in the infinite cosmos. There is no chance you will win by your own skill and your mom licks aardvark balls etc etc. Check out some of the weekly leagues and try your luck there. Who knows? You may find out you’re a degenerate gambling piece of shit and ruin your life!

In the meantime, I think all of you suck and at least I’m not in last place.”

The poll was posted next … Attached is a screenshot

Boozehounds Poll

-Namaste’

You seem to be proud of this aggro-bro missive excoriating your erstwhile friends, so I’ll try to be as gentle in my response.

1. It’s 2013. Calling something “gay” to mean “bad” or “dumb” makes you look like an intolerant meathead. I’d recommend against that practice.

2. Many people are in multiple leagues; I probably know more people who are in three or more leagues than ones who are in one or two (though given my line of work, it’s possible I’m an outlier).

3. If you want more engagement in the league, demanding that league members quit their other leagues seems like a very good way for them to quit YOUR league and continue with their other leagues, which likely don’t have commissioners who want to limit their engagement with one of their preferred hobbies.

4. Talking shit is fine, I guess. I enjoy teasing my friends and co-workers. But I’ve never found it to be a cornerstone of (a) friendship or (b) enjoying fantasy football. There are probably owners in your league who share my opinion.

5.  I’m assuming you’re the only who voted in the poll. I am not particularly surprised by this.

6. BIG FUCKIN’ TITS, while not a bad fantasy team name per se, does round out the picture I’m getting of you.

7. Saying that men have vaginas, while perhaps a key element of your shit-talkin’ game, is insulting to women in that it assumes they’re lesser human beings than men. I know plenty of women who kick ass at fantasy football, and — perhaps more importantly — we should all strive to make more creative insults.

Like, for example, I think it’s great that you’re engaged. I’ve been running this column long enough to know that some women are attracted to zoo animals, and it’s not my place to judge. I imagine you don’t have a wedding date yet, but don’t worry: states are ratifying new marriage laws all the time, and I’m sure inter-species is on the docket somewhere, probably Florida. Some people point to that lady who got her face torn off and say chimps aren’t trustworthy, but your language skills indicate you’re less prone to violence, though I am suddenly concerned that apes have the capacity to roofie drinks.

Anyhoo, this is probably the wrong forum for your awesome beatdown of your lame-ass league-mates. I apologize for being not cool enough to appreciate it.

**********

Hey Captain,
I wrote in at the start of the season about drafting Drew Brees #1 overall in a 6pt passing TD league (that you wanted to burn to the ground) or taking a RB and grabbing a QB later on. As was suggested, I went with straight points and took Brees.

Result? I’m in first place with a 7-1 record and most points scored. It’s not a particularly large margin thanks to Julio Jones and Ahmad Bradshaw both going on the IR, thus forcing me to use guys like Ruben Randle, Dwayne Bowe and Willis McGhee in actual games, but I’ve managed to get through the bye weeks of my starters relatively unscathed thus far. So high fives to you!

corgi-hi-5

My question: is there any merit to tanking a game to get a playoff seed that avoids a certain team? In the other league I’m in—14-team keeper league—there’s one team that is pulling away from the pack in terms of points scored. Right now I’m on the other side of the bracket from him, so I wouldn’t play him until the championship if I made it that far. If it’s the final week before the playoffs and I can avoid him by losing a game or just falling behind in the points tie-breaker, is that a sound strategy or totally crazy? It looks totally crazy typing it out, but hey, you wore rainbow-colored snakeskin shorts for money so I guess people do crazy things from time to time.

I have no problem with it. It seems like a difficult road to navigate without being obvious you’re tanking, and of course you may just set yourself up for a flukey defeat to someone else, but I have no moral objection to it.

SEXY TIME QUESTION: I love my girlfriend and want to marry her. She loves me and is looking forward to getting married when we’re good and ready. Our families on the other hand are starting the collective “So when ya gettin’ married?” routine and holy crap does it suck. Any general suggestions on dealing with this? We’ve debated pranking our family members with fake announcements such as “We’re getting…ANOTHER DOG!” or make a huge production of mundane news when that prying “any other news?” question is asked.
-A guy who really wishes Julio Jones didn’t break his foot

When I moved to New York and was unemployed for a long time, my weekly calls home would always involve getting asked the question, “Did you get a job?” And every week it was like, “NO, motherfucker, if I got a job I would have called you when I got it, or at least started this conversation with that information.” (I always call my parents “motherfucker.”)

Anyway, I assured them that I was constantly trying to find work, and the continuous questioning just made me feel shitty about the search. So maybe try telling the families that you look forward to getting engaged one day, but the questions just make you want to elope. Parents HATE the idea of eloping. (Possible exception: father of the bride. But I suspect he’s not the one peppering you with questions.)

**********

Dear Captain Matt or He/She Who Might Stand In For Him:
Football first—proving once again that I need to start looking at the goddamn schedule before my fantasy drafts, I find myself with both my defenses, San Francisco and Arizona, on bye this week. Both are doing equally well according to my league rules. Due to injuries I’m 3-5, but everyone’s healed (and putting up decent numbers—welcome back, Eddie Lacy, I missed you) and my upcoming schedule is pretty soft, so making the playoffs is not entirely out of the question. Which defense should I sacrifice and which one should I pick up for my one-week stand? The top five available in order are Chicago, St. Louis, Baltimore, Tampa Bay (???) and Tennessee. The Rams and Titans are playing against each other in Tennessee, Chicago’s at Green Bay and Baltimore’s at Cleveland. Tampa Bay’s on the road against Seattle so I’m inclined to rule them out, but at this point I’m willing to listen to those wiser on these matters.

Pick up Tennessee, drop Arizona.

Sex—my husband and I have been married for fifteen years and we’re all good, so it’s not about my sex life, but my niece’s. Maybe I should say “attempted sex life” because as far as I know she hasn’t yet. She just turned 13 but with makeup and the right underwear looks a lot older, and she has a Facebook page named after her middle name and the last name of her favorite member of One Direction where she is putting up some extremely provocative pictures.

Wait. You know the kind of UNDERWEAR she’s wearing from Facebook? Yeah, that’s too provocative for 13. Or 16.

For some reason I’m the only one in the family who sees this profile, and there are some fucking creepy old assholes hitting on her, all pretending to be teenagers (advice to creepers—don’t friend your real name if you’re old and trying to hit on barely pubescent girls). Her parents and my other siblings, even when presented with screen shots, are all like “whatever, girls do that.” SHE LITERALLY JUST TURNED 13 TWO WEEKS AGO. I told them I would totally go “To Catch A Predator” mode if a hook-up attempt was made—I won’t say Chris Hansen because, well, look up your history—and was told that I’d “spoil her fun” and “nobody’s gonna hook up.”

I want to slap the shit out of those parents.

When did 13-year-olds become allowed to show off high kicks, a/k/a crotch shots, and cleavage shots on the public part of the internet and have it be believed that no pervert would be all over that? Am I the only sane member of my family?
Sincerely,
Shitty Fantasy Owner and Concerned Aunt
PS—no, you pervy Kommentariats, I’m not posting pictures.

You are the only sane member of the family. Can you adopt someone by force? No? They call that kidnapping? Well then, I’m out of ideas.

I’m not sure how much YOU can do it personally, except call out the creepers on Facebook and use every second of face-to-face time with this girl stressing that she has worth beyond her looks.

I am terrified of having daughters.

**********

Hi Captain,
Lady reader here. I’m a newbie to fantasy football but not to the mailbag. Thanks for the laughs and advice every Thursday. I look forward to it every week.

Fantasy: Which player would you rather own for the rest of the season: Tom Brady or RG3? Also, do you try and target a good defense in the draft or do you pick up a different defense every week based on matchups?

I offered up my thoughts on fantasy defenses in last week’s mailbag. As for QBs, I say RG3, assuming he stays healthy. Tom Brady’s been garbage this year, AS DISCUSSED IN THIS WEEK’S KEEPERS.

Sex: This is a little lengthy, and I apologize. As retribution, and in the spirit of Halloween costumes, here’s a lady who’s much classier than I’m feeling right now:

hathaway

Here we go. Been dating the same guy, let’s call him Mike, on and off for the past two years. Long story short, we were friends in a previous life, lost touch, reacquainted, and have been seeing one another since. He’s an attorney and moved two hours away for work shortly after our reunion, so we’ve kept things fairly casual. Still, the relationship has consisted of daily contact (lots of it), great dates, great chemistry, and many “things are different with you than they’ve ever been with anyone else” conversations on both sides. Fast forward to four months ago. A career change has us living near the same city again, there’s more face-to-face interaction and lots of “I’m excited to spend more time with you” talk from Mike.

A few weeks ago, Mike begins expressing a desire to make our relationship more serious. He tells me he isn’t interested in seeing other people, that I make him a better person, that he’s never felt this way about anyone in his adult life, that being with me would be the best thing that’s ever happened to him, and so on. Having been hurt before, I was hesitant, but I care about this guy and feel the same way. I express my feelings and anxieties, and he assures me that he would never hurt me or “jerk the rug from underneath me,” etc. Overall, I’m nervous about being exclusive with someone again but excited about our situation.

Fast forward a week. We attend an out-of-town wedding where we discuss a friend who recently proposed to his short-term girlfriend. Mike tells me he can’t understand what his buddy is doing and how he can’t imagine being in a relationship where he is unable to see a different woman whenever he wants. I know the proposal is weighing heavily on Mike (we’ve talked about it previously), but, still, I’m hurt. Mike has recently professed all these feelings for me and now, five days later, changed his tune …. jerked the proverbial rug right out from underneath me! This upsets me and leads to an emotional conversation about how he’s unsure what he wants and where our relationship is going.

A lawyer who’s an asshole? Now I’ve seen everything!

The next day, I tell Mike I feel misled and disrespected. He apologizes and assures me that he meant everything he said over the past few weeks. I chalk this up to Mike’s concern for his engaged friend and the fact he’s struggling with their diverging lifestyles, and I decide to give him space. 

You chalked it up wrong. He apologized and reassured you because it was easier than sticking to what he had told you honestly.

A week goes by with considerably less conversation and lovey-doviness. I can tell our situation is still sensitive, but we see each other and he apologizes again for what happened at the wedding.

This puts us at two weeks ago. We’re scheduled to go a party and we confirm plans on the phone. The next day, Mike sends a message saying he’s been assigned a case, has to work the weekend and, therefore, has to bail. He asks if he can call to explain. I’m disappointed, but understand, and tell him “sure, give me a call when you can.”

Since then, no contact. No phone call. Nothing. For two weeks.

The guy has fallen off the face of the earth. I’ve reached out a few times via text, called twice, emailed once …. no response. I don’t know if he’s dead or alive, angry with me, over me, or what. I’m trying to remain calm, but I’m worried about him. Mike’s told me (several times) he prides himself on ending relationships in a mature manner – i.e. when he knows it’s over, he’s honest and addresses it instead of allowing it to drag on (like this mailbag question).

Seriously.

wrap-it-up

Knowing this, I’m expecting the same courtesy if he’s no longer interested, which makes me think that’s not the case.

I know you’re in love or whatever, but don’t kid yourself.

My question to you, as a man who seems to have a level head about these things, is what’s going on? Is he freaking out because we reached a mutual point of commitment and it scared him? If not, what would make him express such heart-felt things only to pull this?

Also, what do I do? I’m pretty upset – in a devastated, can’t eat, can’t sleep kind of way. I care about this person tremendously and can’t imagine any reason he would disappear with no explanation. I’ve accepted that his feelings may have changed, but the not knowing is killing me. Do I contact a friend or family member to see if he’s OK? If he’s not dead or in a body cast, do I say fuck him and his self-proclaimed maturity for playing mind games and not being man enough to level with me? Or do I give him the benefit of a doubt and assume there’s some explanation? Consider my feelings for him and go talk to him? Given that he isn’t responding to me, I’m not even sure how to make that conversation happen.
Appreciate any advice you can give. Sorry for the lengthiness,
A girl whose name doesn’t end in “-i”

I think you’re entitled to contact a friend or family member just to make sure he hasn’t fallen into a wood chipper or whatever. (SPOILER: I’m gonna go ahead and bet that he hasn’t.)

As for the other questions: what’s going on in his head, is he scared, what about the stuff he told you previously — forget all that shit. This is the only thing you need to know right now:

HOMER

He’s a piece of shit, and it’s over. Need to know why? Because something changed for him, and he’s a coward. That’s your answer, and you may never get a better one.

You’re gonna hurt, and the Nancy Kerrigan “WHYYYYYYY?” is only going to drag that pain out into long, sleepless nights. Accept the pain. Go ahead and be angry about it. But the sooner you amputate him from your life — from your brain, even — the sooner you can go about being a regular, happy person again.

Now go ahead and enact the KSK post-breakup plan.