St Louis Oct 28 2013

Police Blotter: Oct 29, 2013 – Ram, Cardinal Charged With Drunk And Disorderly At Gateway Arch; Maplewood Steak N’ Shake Looted For Steak and Shakes; Bikes Thieves Continue To Target O’Fallon Park

Compiled from police department reports

DOWNTOWN: Police were called to theĀ 100 block of Washington Avenue at 3:14 AM after receiving multiple reports that Cardinal and Ram were refusing to come down from the top of the Gateway Arch. Upon arriving at the park, a third companion, Blue, was found at the bottom of the Arch pleading with his friends not to jump.

Police video of the scene captured an inebriated Ram yelling, “This was my chance to show Brenda I wasn’t the loser she said I was on national TV! WHY DID WE THROW ON FOURTH DOWN, JEFF? WHHHHYYYY? BRENDAAAAAAAAAA! IT’S NOT MY FAULT! DON’T LEAVE ME! I CAN ONLY DO SO MUCH WITH KELLEN CLEMENS! BRADFORD WILL BE BACK, I PROMISE!”

The Cardinal, possibly distraught over the loss of a loved one, was heard crying for its “Papi” over and over again.

Officers were finally able to coax the pair down with a promise of fried ravioli and a ride home after a brief stop at the police station.

Sargent Brian Murtagh told local reporters, “We try not to coddle our local superstars because it sets a bad precedent for the kids, but we understand both Cardinal and Ram had a tough night, especially Ram. His twentieth St. Louis reunion is on the horizon and we know how much he wants to get back together with Brenda before then.”

“She really was a hot slab of gooey butter cake in her day,” he added.

Both were released into the care of Blue with the warning they should go straight home and sleep it off before either one of them could send any texts they would later regret or Instagram their butts.