Dear Mr. Foster,
I find it admirable that in this day and age that you find ways to innovate the way we view athletics. Someone as high profile as you can clearly make a mark on this world, and you’ve definitely matured into a young adult that kids can look up to. I’m not sure who these Fantex guys are or how they’ve become involved in your decision to do this, but they seem to be pretty decent guys that are willing to support you through this announcement that’s getting a lot of attention.
Arian, don’t get me wrong. I love fantasy football and it’s near impossible to get you on my team. Investing in you through a stock market might be the only way for me to gain from your athletic ability. Getting $10 million after landing a contract extension is a smart financial move, especially with the career length of a running back in the NFL.
But have you thought this through? Think about what will happen to you and sports in general:
Good luck retiring. You should be able to grab more than enough money during your playing years, but I’m a long-term investment kinda guy. You better have some solid opportunities already lined up – none of that used-car dealership crap. And definitely, absolutely no restaurants. By the time you retire you might be able to squeeze a cool million or two playing a round of golf with Barkley and Jordan, so work on your short game while you’re at it.
Expect herds of volunteer chauffeurs. Whenever you’re out at the clubs, or any event with alcohol nearby, expect ten people willing to drive you for every paparazzo. I don’t have reason to believe you’re a reckless driver, but man if my retirement goals were ruined because you Burleson’d a pizza I swear we’re going to have issues.
Get ready to sell out. You can still work with the big boys like Under Armour and EA Sports, but you better start hitting uncharted territory. We’re talking yoga mats, custom tupperware collections, the ramen noodle guys, anything. I mean, check out Jordy Nelson attempting to act. There should be nothing that is off-limits to your moneymaking abilities.
Fans will become investors. Be prepared to do signing appearances where fans will ask you to sign endorsement deals instead of jerseys. Your performance on the field will be scrutinized tenfold. Imagine what will happen when half the stadium is hoping for you to rush 200 yards a game and not be satisfied with anything less. These are the same type of people who still hold onto Dennis Rodman basketball cards hoping they turn into gold once he receives a Nobel Peace Prize. Fans are the worst.
Keep inventory of who owns your stock. Sure, defensive guys might let you waltz into the end zone for monetary gain, but if you see your linemen fire sale your stock watch out for a missed assignment. In fact, I’m starting to believe the fall of Matt Schaub this season is somehow related to your IPO value.
Regardless, there’s no stopping this from happening now. Get back to the gym and make me and thousands of other moochers some money.
I want more like this!
Follow Kissing Suzy Kolber on Facebook and get the latest NFL news and humor before everyone else.