Seven months of “The NFC West is the best division in football!” was sprouted from the fumbling mouths of pundits and Seahawkdinalram9ers fans this offseason. It was a talking point driven home with the same, bland, copycat, imagination as Mike Myers’ baby announcement. Not to mention that bragging about being in the best division is like saying you live in the best time zone on the planet. Actually, it’s more like when you turn, I dunno, 26 years old and all you hear from older people is “Ah! 26! 26 is SUCH a great year!” Listen, we’re different people. I could get my heart broken and lose my left arm due to a krokodil addiction while I’m 26. That’s not such a good year for me, IS IT? The 49ers are a serviceable team waiting to get some weapons back from injury, while the Rams are now quarterbacked by a guy who thinks “journeyman” is a compliment, and is hoping to one day graduate to “game manager”. They’re different teams, and giving a crud about the median accomplishments of a division (that was really just pieced together during the re-alignment with the left over teams that weren’t on the east coast) isn’t interesting. Let’s go ahead and grade them based on eight games and a Brat Pack ranking.
San Francisco 49ers
Alternative grading system: needs improvement.
Art school grade: try to see BEYOND the foreground.
On a scale of Emilio Estevez to Judd Nelson: They’re about an Ally Sheedy.
Synopsis: Colin Kaepernick isn’t quite the super hero he was last year, and everyone is as tired of him kissing his tattoos as they are tired of his Instagram account, but he’s not below what we’ll call “The Vince Young” line yet. The 49ers appear to be playoff bound, but if your finger-crossing rests on Crabtree and Eric Wright returning, you might want to adjust your expectations and keep some canned goods and bottled water around just in case.
Your coach: is Anthony’s dad from Ren and Stimpy.
Your fanbase: either do the wave during injury timeouts or hunt Raiders fans. Is this an attempt to toughen your image, or have you always been classically trained jagoffs, and the rest of the country just never noticed until now?
Your quarterback looks: like a busboy at a glitzy, upscale, tip-pooling nightclub who still lives at home so he can afford all the SICK KICKS that he wants, because rent is DAD’S PROBLEM.
Alternative grading system: don’t forget to footnote your sources.
Art school grade: uniforms are clearly “outsider art”.
On a scale of Emilio Estevez to Judd Nelson: They’re Rob Lowe as Nick Andros in The Stand made for TV movie.
Synopsis: The Seattle Seahawks became the Seadderall Seahawks because clearly anyone who plays Pokemon during school hours has ADHD and needs some tight focus medication. Team punter, and occasional Slumberland recording artist Jon Ryan tried his hand at kicking field goals against the Titans and the result was maybe their highlight of the year. The “Legion of Boom” nickname was clearly chosen solely to troll James Laurinaitis, so they were originally going to go with “The Road Warriors”, but based on every game they’ve played outside the second loudest stadium on the planet, that would have been a curious choice. So far their biggest win was pumping in enough crowd noise into their Bio-Dome to beat what looked like a drunk-off-Burt-Reynolds-shots Colin Kaepernick, and are Ryan Fitzpatrick and Matt Schaub performances away from being 5-3. Please, no more song videos by fans. The Pacific Northwest hasn’t had a music scene in twenty years.
Your coach: is old enough to remember Churchill resigning, although you wouldn’t know it by his youthful comportment.
Your fanbase: use #kakaw as a thing.
Your quarterback looks: competent, and a bit like cinnamon angel, and “Bubble Butt” co-writer, Bruno Mars.
Alternative grading system: SEE ME
Art school grade:
Good use of the rule of thirds.
On a scale of Emilio Estevez to Judd Nelson: They’re Robert Downey Jr. banging Molly Ringwald in the back of her car in The Pick-Up Artist.
Synopsis: “Finally, Larry Fitzgerald will have someone useful throwing him the ball!” was the overwhelming sentiment going into the season. I mean, I guess that’s worked? You beat the Falcons, but, I mean, good for you? You’re the smart kid in class whose parents are unfortunately too poor to give you the right pencils or access to a computer. I suppose it’s mildly impressive that you’re 4-4, but you might have to look at a career in the trades. Don’t worry, there’s good money in being a journeyman, plus you get to dress up in cute outfits. Tyrann Mathieu has so far been a good draft pick, but waffles on whether or not he wants to be called The Honey Badger, so from here on forward he will be known as Tyrannas the Dank Engine.
Your coach: is Bruce Arians, an extra from Thumb Wars.
Your fanbase: is in black face!
Your quarterback looks:
like he could have been used in that one Nathan For You sketch.
The Rams of currently St. Louis
Alternative grading system: Ever thought of being an exchange student?
Art school grade: if you say the pervy teacher propositioned you, you might luck out and get a chance to repeat your year.
On a scale of Emilio Estevez to Judd Nelson: They’re an Anthony Michael Hall cameo in The Dark Knight.
On a scale of Q-tips to imitation budget Q-tips that your damn girlfriend brought home because she saved 50 cents on: they’re digging your fingernail into your ear canal and accidentally discovering you’ve had a dead spider in there for probably some time.
Synopsis: The Rams don’t play well with others, can’t seem to run the ball at an appropriate level, and may have to be held back if they can’t improve. The owner, (who could have been Shahid!) appears to have adopted the plot of Major League in an attempt to bore the fans to death so he can move the team somewhere else. He improved upon the original script though when he decided to get a quarterback just good enough to hold on to, and surround him with nothing, thus creating an eternal vortex of potential and perennial 6 win seasons. Case in point: 3 wins at the halfway point and cries of “We could have beaten Seattle with Bradford in!” Genius ownership right there.
Your coach: is grumpy.
Your fanbase: are the best fans in baseball!
Your quarterback looks: In pain, currently. Come Coachella that herbal ecstacy should take some of the edge off.
I want more like this!
Follow Kissing Suzy Kolber on Facebook and get the latest NFL news and humor before everyone else.