nfcsouth

Ah, the NFC South, that rollicking, ramshackle drunk uncle of a division, careening towards a cliff or maybe a Super Bowl. Who knows? Filled with gamblers, ramblers, pirates, and staph infections, the division whips out a different scenario every year like a drunk Duck Dynasty fan playing Russian Roulette.

149102448GH110_New_Orleans_Panthers: C+

In Bill Simmons Speak (not yet recognized by Rosetta Stone but SOON!), the Panthers are “sneaky good.” Or, in other words, no one has any idea of what to make of them but if your praise is just vague enough, you may come out looking like a genius while not risking much of your credibility. Besides, Cam Newton is only afraid of two things: Peter King’s wicked barbs and cannons. Or, maybe Ron Rivera is still their head coach and the Panthers are still heading towards perfect mediocrity, not good enough to make the playoffs (unless they were realigned to the NFC East) and not bad enough to get a top draft pick until Cam leaves after the 2014 season. I’m surprised I’ve pooped out enough words about this team but the fear of Steve Smith does funny things.

Final prediction: Sneaky meh.

Rob-RyanSaints: A-

Last season was tough but Saints fan had conspiracy theories about The Rog to keep them busy. Now, head coach Sean Payton is back and his bromance with Drew Brees continues anew and the team continues to churn out offensive weapons like Kenny Stills while Oscar Bluth’s defense is… actually getting good. And Kenny Vicaro is proving himself to be mighty fine on defense. Of course, an easy schedule helps; their toughest game was that crotch-punch road loss to New England. Looming in the second half are Dallas, San Francisco, and Seattle so it’s going to take some poisoned gumbo to keep their current pace up. Still, the Superdome was built on an ancient burial ground and New Orleanians are resourceful people, like MacGuyver with booze, and Brees and Payton are their own and they will not hesitate to cut you or turn the lights off. Don’t mess with cajuns, man.

Final prediction: NFC title game by the power of Marie Laveau.

otterFalcons: D+

There was recently a story about places on Earth that people used to think were entrances to Hell and I was honestly shocked that the Georgia Dome wasn’t one of them. Before last week’s loss to Arizona, Atlanta’s games had all been one-score games which says “maybe not that bad” but five losses in seven games say otherwise. Despite the money spent on free agents, there’s no running game, two of their best receivers are hurt, the defense is as impotent as a Braves crowd, and Matt Ryan has been positively Chris Miller-esque (a passer rating below 50 against the Cardinals). Plus, the Falcons have the Saints (again), Panthers (twice), Seahawks, 49ers, and Packers left on the schedule so 4-12 is possible which is hilarious for a team predicted to finish near the top of the league. Good. Atlanta sports fan deserve it. Enjoy playing in the Sphincter Dome, guys.

Final prediction: Does an NFL team fail if no fans are around to watch them?

Buccaneers: F-

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