Hello friends! This week we have sad fantasy owners who lost Julio Jones, plus a couple of lady readers. Hello, ladies! Thank you for diversifying our dick-joke football blog. As always, if you have sex AND fantasy football questions, please email us here by Wednesday night.

On to your questions:

Capitao,
Fantasy: My team is pretty loaded for a ten team, two player per season keeper league: Cam, Arian Foster, Alfred Morris, Stevan Ridley (just acquired for Knowshon Moreno), Demaryius Thomas, Larry Fitzgerald, Desean Jackson, Owen Daniels. And I’m in second to last place. Should I keep running out the same lineup and hope for better results, or should I try to package some of these players together to land a solid keeper or two for next season?

Well, for starters, I would have opted against trading the starting running back from the best offense in the NFL for a guy who’s injured. Obviously you need a tight end with Daniels injured — I hope you picked up Garret Graham in time. Other than that, I think you’re in okay shape: Demaryius, Foster, and DeSean should all continue to do well, Fitty will disappoint with occasional breakouts, and Cam and Morris will be better moving forward (Newton always performs better later in the season, and Morris gets the crappy defenses of the NFC East). Many of these points are covered in this week’s Keepers:

Seamless integration.

Sex: My friend Brad played college baseball at a Top 25 baseball program from 2006-2010. While in school, Brad had a secret relationship with the team’s Director of Baseball Operations, let’s call her Molly. Brad and Molly kept their relationship secret while he was in school and didn’t let any of their friends know about it until he graduated.

She poached a student while working a job at the college? ILLICIT AFFAIR. SO HOT.

Brad and Molly got engaged about a year ago. Their wedding is scheduled for next month. Last weekend we had the bachelor party, where we rented a lake house, got a party barge and went to bars at night. Unbeknownst to me, Brad got drunk and made out with a girl at the bar on Saturday night. Apparently he told his closer friends that he had planned to do something like this all along, but he didn’t want to cross a line to having sex.

Awww, how thoughtful!

Also, Brad and Molly have been in relationship counseling classes for the last few months

NO WAY!

because their relationship was strained when he was released from a Double-A affiliate of a big league team after a subpar season.

Since I think you will tell me to mind my own business about the bar makeout even though I’m pretty sure their relationship is doomed, my question is this: what is ok and what is not ok at bachelor parties?

Regards,
Sleeping off Hangover with my Office Door Closed

Anything that would be over the line during marriage is over the line at a bachelor party. If you see your bachelor party as “last chance to make out with a different girl,” then maybe you’re not ready for a lifetime of commitment to one person.

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No Witty Opening,
Sex: Not much. My wife is pregnant with our 4th, and has very bad morning sickness (FYI, “morning” is a misnomer; it’s all day). I’ve got three beautiful daughters, and while yes of course I want a healthy baby, I also kind of hope it’s a boy. I know girls can get into sports, and boys might not, stereotypes, etc. But still. My brother had a boy after three girls. It’s a different parenting experience, one that I really want. Does that make me an asshole?

No.

Fantasy: What do you think of Kenny Britt’s long-term prospects, beyond this season? I own him in a salary cap dynasty league, with a salary of $5 on a 3-year contract (so same price for next two years and can extend him after that for a small escalator). I bought him (that sounds wrong, I know, but drafted isn’t exactly accurate for an auction) hoping he’d either put it together with talent to be a Top 15 WR, or get traded to a better situation. He’s not close to starting for me, that’s not an issue. I’m not desperate for the cap space right now, but the roster spot might be useful for some better pickups for higher potential guys on the waiver wire (like Doug Baldwin or Jeremy Kerley, for example). Should I stash him and still hope for the bargain, or cut bait?

(Note: after I typed out this email, I went back and deleted all the second spaces after my periods. Old habits are hard to break, but I’m working on it.)
Thanks,
No Witty Signature

First of all, THANK YOU for deleting those second spaces. I have to do that with at least two or three emails every week because of my language-OCD, and I appreciate your effort.

Regarding your question, Kenny Britt went to Rutgers under Greg Schiano, so of COURSE he’s a selfless team player, by which I mean total shithead. He has to be one of the most infuriating wastes of talent in the NFL. But when he isn’t injured or driving drunk or moping, Britt can be a dominant wide receiver. He’s the kind of malcontent that I could see the Patriots scooping up and turning into a fantasy beast, and while that may not be the most likely scenario, it’s certainly possible, and it gives him a much higher ceiling than Doug Baldwin or Jeremy Kerley will ever have. He’s also only 25, so it’s not like his body is about to break down. If you can afford the space on your roster, hold on to him.

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Dear KSK,
My question is a twofer with fantasy football and (possibly less) sex. My husband and I have always bonded over football together. Games, lazy Sundays, fun times at the bar, The League, and now that we have a little one and another on the way, multitasking on game days between toddler world and football.

After playing fantasy casually for several years, for some reason my husband has gone full on obsessive this year. Instead of our normal relaxing Sundays watching our teams, he’s flipping between channels, split screen, and Red Zone at a rate that would kill an epileptic while absorbed in his laptop, cell phone, and tablet simultaneously. While I get that his interests are different than mine now, holy shit it has taken all the fun out of it since I don’t get to follow a single game on account of him following every player. Also, our kid has climbed right up the entertainment center and bailed off in front of him without him even noticing. So I am now 100% on kid duty from the early previews until the late night recap. I’ve called bullshit on it and he says I’m just being a hormonal pregnant woman because this is how most people watch football now anyways. Commish, can we get a ruling on this?

First of all, following your fantasy team’s score throughout the day is a waste of time. A fantasy game is just an accrual of numbers that will be whatever it’s going to be at the end of the day; it’s not like a REAL game where two teams are actually battling each other. So your husband can at LEAST put away the score tracker to make sure his child isn’t face-planting off of furniture or drinking cleaning products or whatever.

Second, you’re the wife. AND you’re pregnant. That means you make the rules, and your fuckhead husband can do what he wants just as soon as HE nurtures a fetus inside of his body for nine months.

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Dear sir or madam,
Football first, I’m trying to decide who to start at my flex this week. I have DeAngelo Williams playing Minnesota and Ronnie Hillman playing Jacksonville. Thoughts?

I actually like Ronnie Hillman as a sneaky play for garbage time heroics, but DeAngelo is the better option until Jonathan Stewart returns. Go with the guy who will definitely get carries over the one you THINK will get carries in the second half, you know?

Other gender stuff: I don’t know if this has been covered before, but since finishing school I’ve taken up running and noticed there are a lot attractive women at various 5k’s. Is it ok to talk to girls at these events, or is it similar to a gym where that is not considered ok to do?
Thanks,
This Guy.

“So, uh, you like running?”

I think there’s a social component of a 5K that makes it a much more acceptable environment for talking to women than the gym. I say go for it.

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To whomever gets paid to give fantasy advice,

Hey, that’s me! NOTE: I have no qualifications.

Thanks to Julio Jones foot, here are my WR options:

- DeSean Jackson PHI @ TB (I am also starting Shady)
– Antonio Brown PIT @ NYJ
– Alshon Jeffery CHI v NYG
– Hakeem Nicks NYG @ CHI
– TY Hilton IND @ SD

I have literally no clue whom to start, I have 2 WR + Flex, so 3 WR or 2 WR + Chris Johnson (@ SEA).

I like Alshon and Hilton for their matchups — the Giants and Chargers have awful pass defenses. I’d give the other spot to DeSean or Brown, depending on your whim. Personally, I like Chip Kelly and hate the Steelers, so my bias is towards DeSean, but his date on Revis Island isn’t all that attractive. If your decision comes down to the guy averaging 105 yards per game (Jackson) or the guy averaging 103 yards (Brown), you’re in pretty good shape.

For the sex advice, I would like the opinion of someone who went through a traditional wedding planning experience, and specifically, how did you explain to people why they weren’t invited. We have a big group of friends, and we are having a huge wedding, but even with all of that, we still have to cut 20 or so people. I don’t care about good reasons to cut them (my bride is going to making that call however she pleases), just reasons I can tell them we used without being hated. We can’t use excuses tied to the size of the wedding or the cost, because they know better. They are getting cut because 300 is too many and we’ll still probably have more people than that. All ideas are welcome, please and thank you.
– Apologetic Groom

I think you’ll find that people are more understanding than you expect them to be, assuming your friends aren’t assholes. I think the average adult has at least a passing familiarity with wedding planning, and that the toughest part of it tends to be the guest list and the seating chart. I don’t think you have to go out of your way to call up the snubs to apologize, just be up front about it the next time you see them in person. “Hey, I’m really sorry I couldn’t invite you to our wedding. It’s really shitty and I feel awful about it.” They’ll probably be totally cool about it, and if not, hey! You did the right thing in not inviting them!

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Hey Captain,
Fantasy: I am terrible at fantasy football and no one question could solve my problems. Turns out a Cam Newton/Steve Smith combo isn’t a ticket to the championship.

Hey, there’s still plenty of season to go. Cam could heat up, and Steve Smith could… punch a referee? Only a matter time.

Sex: I’m in college and just broke up with my girlfriend of two years. So far I have done my best to cut off contact and start the process of moving on. The problem is that we have the same circle of friends. Her friends are my roommates, and after the breakup it is hard for her to see them without me around. I tried to get her to hang out with her roommates and go out with other friends while we were together, but she never would, and now finds herself alone.

forever-alone

I am not ready to hang out with her, and I don’t think that will ever change. I think if we hang out together she will just keep trying to get back with me and I don’t want to put either of us in a position for that to happen. I try to make concessions where I leave and she can come over and hang out with them, but that is obviously awkward for everyone involved. Am I being immature for not wanting to see her?

No, it’s actually mature beyond your years.

Is there a way to fix this or am I just screwing her out of her friends? Thanks,
Terrible at FF

This is life. Break-ups happen and friends get caught in the middle and shit gets awkward. I think you’re right to leave when she comes over to hang out with her friends, and I also think that hanging out at your apartment isn’t the best way for her to get over you and move on. I don’t care if your roommates are her friends; do you really want her staring longingly at your bedroom while you’re out and about? That’s weird, man.

You’ve  got, what? Two roommates? Three? I refuse to believe that a girl in college has ONLY three friends located in a single apartment. She needs to give you some space — to give HERSELF some space — and if your roommates want to hang out with her, they should meet up at someone else’s apartment or the student union or, I don’t know, the fucking Peach Pit. Not twenty feet from where you sleep.

Talk to your roommates. Tell them that you really care for your ex, and the best way for her to move on is to not hang out where you live. Be clear that you’re not asking them to take sides, just that you need space, and so does she.

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Hey Uff,
Football: I’m in two fantasy leagues. One involves a lot of money (for a super-broke person such as myself) and one involves a loser’s trophy with a lot of shame (for a semi-decent person who does not want to display a sex toy on their mantle such as myself). I am doing super well in one, and am apparently destined to win a large marital aid in the other. I’m hoping to win the money league, thus making me extravagantly wealthy and ensuring that my decor will be considered “eccentric” instead of way sketchy.

Anyway, my question: Alex Smith against Oakland or Russell Wilson against Tennessee?

That’s a tough one. Oakland should be a pretty easy test for the Chiefs, but what can you really expect from Alex Smith? 225 yards and 2 touchdowns? Starting Alex Smith isn’t so much living as it is waiting to die.

Of course, Russell Wilson — presently attempting fewer passes per game than any starting QB — gets a tough Titans D that just held Smith to nine fantasy points. The Seahawks O-line gets Max Unger back this week but is still missing its starting tackles, so you can expect Wilson to continue the scrambling he’s done the last two weeks. As for throwing the ball, who knows? He has two games with fewer than 150 passing yards this season, but if you’re getting 80 from him on the ground, that doesn’t really matter so much.

So, who to start? Smith is probably the safer play, but he has a lower ceiling. Start Russell Wilson and at least LOOK like you’re trying to enjoy life.

Sex: Over the summer, I got out of an awful relationship was just getting into being a single lady when I met a really awesome dude who had just gotten divorced. We texted constantly for awhile, went out on a date, got along really well, were on the same page about keeping things non-serious, it’s rad. Progressive liberal gal that I am, I suggested we have sex immediately because hey! single! non-serious! He said no, he wanted to take things slowly.

notsofast

We spent a month hanging out constantly and not fucking (his insistence), forging a real relationship based on human interaction and whatnot. Once it was established that we thought of one another as more than casual rebounds we spent a month having all of the (amazing) sex. Then I go out of town for a wedding, he goes out of town for business, it’s about 10 days apart. During both trips there is a nauseating amount of sweet nothings texted back and forth, and I have officially fallen HARD.

Then he returns, and things are super different. No affection, less sexing. The reasoning progresses from post-trip stress to post-divorce stress to “I’m not very affectionate, this is who I am.” This does not sit well with me, and I vocalize my unhappiness. He insists he cares deeply for me and assures me, repeatedly, that he’s in a weird post-divorce space and “if you’re patient with me, I’ll return to awesomeness” It’s been nearly a month, and I am displeased and/or heartbroken. Having never been divorced/dated a divorcé, I really don’t know what I should expect. I’m sure he’s reeling, but I’m also kinda feeling like I’ve been led on in some bizarre How Stan Got His Groove Back (by convincing me to fall in love with him?) drama. It’s a pretty short relationship, but man, I have managed to feel ALL of the feelings in about three months.

So: be patient because he’s great and also dealing with a lot of life changes or break this off and save myself the trouble/sadness?
Thanks,
Ellie

I am also not divorced, nor have I dated someone who was recently divorced, but I can put on my single-dude pants (the waistband is elastic!) and take a few guesses as to what’s going on in his head. The most likely scenario, in my mind, is that he was nervous/excited to be dating again, hence the initial slowness, and it got intense/hot/awesome quickly because he hadn’t been in a new relationship in years. Single people can get a little desensitized to the dating world, where it kind of feels like a never-ending interview process that sometimes leads to sex. But a divorced person who hasn’t dated a new person in YEARS? That’s gotta be thrilling, especially since their last relationship ended in a shitload of lawyers and paperwork.

As for the change in attitude after the ten days apart, I can’t say. Maybe he realized he doesn’t want a relationship so soon after his divorce. Maybe he had a hot affair on his business trip. Maybe he wants to break it off but can’t work up the nerve because he doesn’t want another relationship to fail. Or hell, maybe he really is just going through some post-divorce stress.

The point is, you’re not being treated the way that you deserve to be treated. Do you really WANT to be with someone who’s “not very affectionate”? Stand up for yourself and tell him that he can call you when he’s back to being the guy that you fell for. Walk out on him: he’ll either chase after you and promise to change, or you’ll get a jump-start on moving on to someone with fewer issues.

p.s. I’ve done this twice in my life — breaking up with a girlfriend I loved because I could tell she wasn’t in love with me any more. It was sheer fucking misery, and even though it was the right thing to do, I was heartbroken for years in both cases. Good luck!

pain