You’d think nearly $1 billion would be enough to build a new state-of-the art stadium for the Vikings. But $975 million just doesn’t stretch like it used to in this post-recession, post-Tarvaris Jackson world. According to a report today in the Star Tribune, the team may have to cut some of the amenities to get The House That Ponder built erected. Bids on work at the stadium have caused the total projected cost to top the $1 billion mark and without a Jerry Jones of their own, that means trimming the wish list of some of the more ridiculous items.
Among the potential casualties: a 400-stall parking garage a block north of the stadium, a skyway linked to a ramp a block south, two large escalators and as much as 40 feet from the height of five massive, pivoting glass doors at the venue’s main entrance.
The team is hoping to be able to find enough loose change between couch cushions so they can add back these features before the groundbreaking in November. They also agreed to advance some extra cash to ensure the implementation of things like a spiffy Wi-Fi system which will allow fans to constantly play Candy Crush and check their fantasy teams rather than watch another game.
Besides the items listed above, here are some more of the purported items the Vikings may have to cut from their wish list to get the stadium in under budget:
- Annual bionic tendon replacement for Adrian Peterson
- 80-foot-wide moat for sex cruises under management supervision
- Eight more not-quite-starting caliber quarterbacks to work concessions
- Not going to blizzard proof the roof again because what are the odds?
- Zygi Wilf’s Racketeering Xperience adjacent to stadium
- Actual reanimated Viking to play Ragnar
- Bail money
I want more like this!
Follow Kissing Suzy Kolber on Facebook and get the latest NFL news and humor before everyone else.