Philadelphia bar owner, and apparent fleece pullover advocate, Patty Brett, longing for those halcyon days of 2009 (You seen The Hurt Locker yet?) has decided to institute a strong protest against Michael Vick starting for the Eagles by refusing to show games played by Vick in her bar, Doobie’s.
“Because of what Michael Vick has done to those animals, I can’t in good conscience support the Eagles while he’s a member of the team,” she said. “He murdered and tortured animals and I can’t forgive him for that.”
As F. Scott Fitzgerald said:
“There are no second acts in American lives.”
True. Nothing deserves a second chance and doesn’t ever get one in America unless of course we’re talking about Johnny Jolly, Donte Stallworth, Charlie Sheen, Mario Lopez, Scott Bakula, high waisted jeans, Fiona Apple, Fiona Apple’s weird temper, music on vinyl, the Civil War aesthetic, or the Baltimore Orioles’ uniforms.
Brett said fans of other teams are welcome to come to her bar: She’ll be happy to put their games on, although that’s already a bar in Philadelphia called Big Charlie’s Saloon.
According to Yelp (need a shower after typing that one out) Patty Brett also refuses to stock any Canadian products because 1. All Canadians murder big eyed seal pups annually during a bloodthirsty event not dissimilar to Whacking Day 2. Brett’s silent partner is Morrissey 3. She’s a xenophobic, reductive bucket of garbage juice.
No word yet on what action Brett takes during Ray Lewis’ broadcasts.
I want more like this!
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