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Running backs coach: Hey Danny, nice practice. Before I forget, I meant to congratulate you on the birth of your son. You must be so thrilled.

Danny Woodhead: [voice cracking] Thanks, sir. It’s been a crazy week. We didn’t want a hospital birth, so the baby was delivered at skate park instead. My parents said I was an idiot afterward but it went down so smooth. Baby just slid right out my girl and down the incline. There was barely any broken glass. So rad. Little dude is gonna sleep on the futon with me and my girl for now. Soon as I find someone to buy my air hockey table on Craigslist, we’ll have a spot for the crib in the den. By the way, how old does a kid have to be before you can teach him to snowboard?

Running back coach: I’d say at least 10.

Danny Woodhead: For sure. Right on.

Running backs coach: Congrats to you as well, Le’Ron. That’s incredible the two of you had your first sons a day apart.

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Le’Ron McClain: Awww thanks, coach. That really means a lot.

Running backs coach: I’ve got two of my own, so I know what a blessing it is. Completely changes your life overnight.

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Brad Sorensen: Hey fellas, I just had my first child, too. I’m Brad Sorensen, backup quarte -

[Door flies open]

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Philip Rivers: YA BETTA IMPREGNATE SOMEBODDDDDDDAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYY!

Just heard the blessed news! I love it. LOVE IT. I knew it was a matter of time that being in the presence of King Laserface’s super virility would rub off on you guys. And by rub off, I mean DON’T EVER FUCKING GET NEAR ME.

LIL’ DICKHEAD, you had a kid? Impressive that your shifty, deceptively fast semen could penetrate the lining of an egg. My powers are more impressive than even I thought. OUR DICKS ARE TOUCHED BY THE HAND OF GOD, MEN. It’s important that a sperm is never wasted. God frowns on that. I personally know the reason we were able to upset the Colts is because no one on this team wasted a single seed that week. I know because I have team reps blacklight each of your homes each week in search of misspent bodily fluids.

I have fantastic seminal efficiency. Not to brag, but me and Missus Laserface just had number seven. Nowadays, it’s like clockwork for us.

This is how it works: I go up to her and say, “HEY DARLIN’, WE’RE ON A SACRED MISSION FROM GOD TO OUTBREED THE LIBRULS. LET’S GET TO IT.”

Then I do a little of this:

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And BAM, nine months later, another little miracle who will one day either be Super Bowl MVP or Tea Party president. Possibly both.

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Manti Te’o: That’s pretty good, but I have 11 kids myself.

Philip Rivers: ELEVEN!? BULLSHIT! I’ve never seen a single one of your kids.

Manti Te’o: I just try to keep them out of the limelight. I know what a terrible influence that can be on a child. Hey, who else here loves Jesus?

Philip Rivers: I’ll give you an AMEN for that. But I’m still gonna need evidence of these kids.

Manti Te’o: Fine, jeez. Check this out, pushy. That’s little Kevin.

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Philip Rivers: This baby looks nothing like you. And there’s a watermark over the photo. This is just a stock photo of a baby.

Manti Te’o: I won’t have you talk about Kevin that way. Of my 14 kids, he’s had the toughest life.

Philip Rivers: 14? You said you have 11.

Manti Te’o: 31 kids.

Philip Rivers: The fuck?

Manti Te’o: 600 kids.

Philip Rivers: YOU WILL NOT OUTBREED ME WITH YOUR INVISIBLE GHOST CHILDREN. GOTTA RUN, TEAM. ME AND MY WIFE HAVE WORK TO DO!

Manti Te’o: I’m the new Genghis Khan. One out of every two people can trace their lineage to me.