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I bet I can guess artist Joseph Marr‘s favorite Simpsons episode

Welcome once again to the KSK Sex and Fantasy Football Mailbag! My sincere thanks to the following groups: everyone who reads this column, the generous spirits who donated to my wife’s marathon charity last week, and the folks who write in with questions.

One note on writing in, though: please try to submit your questions by Wednesday night every week. I always feel terrible when people write in on Thursday afternoon while I’m finishing the mailbag, and I don’t have the time to accommodate the Johnnies-come-lately. So: hit us up earlier in the week at this email address right here.

In honor of those tardy parties, let’s start with two emails from before Week 4′s games:

Hey Captain,
So I need some help with my RB situation. For the first time ever, I drafted based on best player available, which resulted in me landing some pretty awesome WRs in the first three rounds (Calvin Johnson, Julio Jones, Randall Cobb), and I have Marques Colston and James Jones on my bench. But my RBs suck: Montee – let me fumble this – Ball, Jacquizz, Le’Veon Bell, Mark Ingram and Michael Bush.

It’s a 12-team, standard scoring league, and almost no one is willing to make any trades, and even when they are agreed to, someone protests. I’m thinking of grabbing Jason Snelling this week and playing him and Jacquizz. Combined, they were equal to one good RB. Or Daniel Thomas or Jonathan Franklin are sitting out on the waiver wire. Your thoughts?

Well, I hope you inserted Le’Veon Bell into your lineup when you found out he was starting. Despite the hobbled Steelers line, Bell looked energized and talented. He obviously won’t have the benefit of playing the Vikings every week, but he’s a worthwhile starter moving forward. Play him and Jacquizz every week until Steven Jackson’s healthy. In the meantime, you have to keep looking to upgrade your RB corps through a trade. Don’t be afraid to go blockbuster: Julio Jones or Randall Cobb for Marshawn Lynch or Jamaal Charles. You just have to target teams that have a visible need at wideout.

As for the sex side of things, I don’t really have any questions, so much as a comment that I think you and other readers might appreciate. I’ve been married 8.5 years, and my wife is awesome. We’ve been together 12 years, and we did a long distance thing for two years while she finished her PhD – It worked as we had a set end date and were committed. Anyway, shortly after we got together, I almost broke things off. I was young and stupid, and things were going really well, which freaked me out. Mostly I was freaking out because she wasn’t “The One.” She did not meet the ideals I had in my head for what the perfect woman for me was.

But in the last 12 years, I’ve realized that no, she is not “The One.” Rather, she is so much more amazing than what I had created in my head. And looking back, I don’t think it would be possible to dream up such an astounding woman. What I thought I wanted in a spouse/partner is not exactly what I needed. So, guys, if you’re worried the person your dating isn’t what you think is you ideal mate, if things are going great, just go with it.
JimmyG

Two thoughts here: (A) gross, get a room.

But (B), you make a good point about the mindset of the typical single guy. When you’re single, you have certain outsized expectations for what you imagine your life partner to be — she must be X tall, Y pretty, C cup — expectations that skew to the physical side of things, when what really matters for a life commitment are the mental and emotional aspects of a person. I think that’s why men are often confused about committing to an attractive woman who makes them laugh and supports and understands them; there’s a piece of their brain that says, “But this isn’t the Brazilian bikini model/brain surgeon I was supposed to marry!” You have to focus on who a person is, rather than who she is not.

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Uff,
FOOTBAW: Should I start getting worried about Tony Gonzalez finally showing signs of humanity? He’s still getting a decent amount of targets, but has less than 100 yards over the first 3 games.

Ahhhh, hindsight. I hope Tony’s 12 catches for 149 yards and two touchdowns soothed your concerns.

NOT FOOTBAW: I have a friend’s wedding coming up. The bachelor party was a few weeks ago and a good time for all. At some point during the weekend the groom mentioned that they received a lower number of RSVPs than expected, so they’re running the open bar and keeping the band an extra hour. Fantastic! Last night I was hanging with another friend who is going to this wedding. He just started seeing a lady fairly seriously. He was not given a +1 like the rest of the invited friends, which seems strange. This guy doesn’t have a history of disastrous women in his life or anything I can think of that would make someone hesitate allowing him a guest, especially since he is the only one in the group going stag.

The friend doesn’t want to impose, but also would prefer not to be the 7th wheel or whatever. Plus the wedding is 2+hours away and requires a hotel room, and hotel sex is the best sex. Am I overstepping my bounds by asking the groom if the friend can bring a guest? I would never even consider it if the groom hadn’t mentioned lower than expected RSVPs. For what its worth the dinner is buffet style.
Thanks,
Awkward

You’re not overstepping your bounds at all. Ask away. It shouldn’t be a big deal, but if there’s some impassable roadblock to one more person coming, the fact that you asked for your friend (rather than the friend asking directly) at least gives the groom a chance to say no without creating an awkward situation.

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Hey Ufford,
How’s it going? Can we get an update on your fantasy teams so far?

Ughhhhhh. I’ll make it quick, in part because I have doubts about how much people care about this, and in part because I really don’t like teams this year. Tossing out the two 8-team leagues where I’m dominating and the fantasy failball league that doesn’t really apply, here are my three other teams:

- The Saskatchewan Uff Writers (terrible name) are 1-3 in my 12-team office league. Solid draft, if a little thin at WR. Mismanaged my way out of a win, but the team was built for some early-season disappointment (Gronkowski and Percy Harvin are on my bench). Prospects are good for the rest of the season.

- Muffcunt Vaginapussy is 2-2 in my ultra-competitive 12-team keeper league with friends. I had an awful draft where I took Brees at the end of the first round when everyone else targeted RBs and WRs early. I’m especially thin at wideout, but picking up the KC D/ST early in the season has helped.

- Juggalo Baby Funeral in the KSK keeper league is a borderline disaster at 1-3. Roddy White’s injury and the disappearance of Hakeem Nicks has left me desperate at WR, and I’m a Michael Vick injury away from starting Kaepernick, one of my keepers who I didn’t really want to keep. Blech. Get healthy, Roddy.

Quick question for my flex start: Olsen (@Ari) or Woodhead (@Oak).

Woodhead. Oakland’s dogshit.

No sex question, but a comment: keep whoring Keepers in the mail bag… we are reading the mail bag to get Fantasy advice from you, why not watch it in video form? People that don’t like it can scroll past the video and move on with their lives.
-Gourd of the Flies

Thy will be done.

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Matt,
Fantasy (for one involved) football (tangentially) and sex (with genuinely sad results, in this case).

Say what now?

I know a friend of a friend who is pregnant as of a few weeks ago. She has no family locally, so is considering moving back home (1,000+ miles away) for more support while with child, which would free up an incredible living situation for me right as my current lease ends, leaving me paying peanuts for rent at a time when actual peanuts are a little rich for my blood. This new digs would really help me, to the tune of almost $1,000 per month. Stay with me, please.

This pregnant woman is one who is known colloquially as a “jersey chaser.” She worked at the high end mall in my area only to attract jerseyed men. She is claiming that the father of this unborn child is one of these jersey guys. She has or had a “dating” history with (at least) an All Star third baseman and two NFL guys who scored touchdowns in Week 4.

Way to bury the lede. BLIND ITEM, Y’ALL!!!

One of these guys has been informed that he is papa-to-be, and essentially said “I won’t be there for it — email me when the first support check is due.”

Reminder: wear condoms, fellas.

I KNOW that this player is not biologically involved, and the woman knows it, too. I’ll spare you the math, but it doesn’t check out by a long shot. And there was a local not-professional-athlete that is almost certainly responsible, and he called the used vacuum cleaner salesman once informed, post haste.

What does that mean? Are you talking about an abortion clinic? A crappy lawyer?

Folks, if you’re deciding between super-clever metaphors and just using direct, effective communication, please choose the latter.

It’s ridiculous of this player not to want to check it out further, and even his agent is aware, but their attitude is very cavalier. Meanwhile, this woman is envisioning a life of luxury and keeping me from renting for virtually nothing (the worst offense! ok, no). I have half a mind to slip something out there, but I am typically not one to meddle in another’s business. However, the idea of saving hundreds of dollars every month and exposing a serial fraud complicates things. If ol’ girl gets her checks, she stays right where she is, as do I. And while it’s hard to feel bad for Indifferent Pro Athlete, that shit is fucked up.

To be clear, this woman has a large, supportive family back home. That poor kid will be ok with or without the misguided funds.

I’m tied in a moral knot due to the obvious self-interest and the blatant irresponsibility of this person. Untie me, Uff.
-Ozamataz Buckshank

My inclination is to tattle away. Sing like a bird.

You’re correct that the athlete’s cavalier attitude about this matter hardly makes him a sympathetic figure, but the long history of athletes’ wealth dissipating later in life mitigates that somewhat, I think. The villain here is the person who wants to bring a new life in the world for monetary reasons. It would be one thing if she were behaving within the strictures of American paternity law, but she’s actively seeking to defraud an innocent — if irresponsible and unsympathetic — person. Screw her. You don’t even need a better living scenario as a motive; consider it a reward for doing the right thing.

(Note: It’s possible that I have a gender bias here, but I think my stance is consistent with my track record of discouraging dishonesty and taking advantage of others.)

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Dear Fantasy Helper Guy,
Sex: Im newly single this summer, taking alot of your advice (working out, joining co-ed sports, trying new things, blah blah blah) and im enjoying it while im still young. Meeting and dating girls isnt nearly as hard as i expected,

It’s easier, at least, than using the shift key and apostrophes.

but the part i sometimes feel clueless about is texting. Its the social norm with my generation that when a girl gives you a number that you would never actually call it, you text her i guess because its much less formal/intimidating. The first couple girls i started talking to, i would text them and i would hear back later that night or the next day, which is fine, the whole point of a text is someone can respond to it when they have a free minute or when they get off work or whatever. However after a summer of texting girls, ive realized this is a deliberate delay, and maybe 80% of the girls ive talked to will NEVER respond to a text within 8 hours (the other 20% seem to respond right away or soon, like a normal person). Just wondering if you have any insight into this ‘game’?

It’s really no different, results-wise, than the previous generation of communication, where dudes would call, leave a message, and never hear back (or worse, get a fake number).

Ive taken to waiting to respond to these girls as well, it seems like a poor play to text back immediately if theyre waiting a day. At first it bothered me and i thought it was kind of rude, but now that ive realized its what they all do it doesnt seem like a big deal. Also, should i read anything into what type of girl she is based on her text tendencies? Ive stated the 20% are what i would consider normal people but at this point it almost seems like a red flag, it feels almost feels desperate. I dont put much stock into all this, just curious if you have an opinion on the subject as it seems the way dating has shifted in the last few years.

Double-standard much? “I hate the way 80% of women wait to respond to my texts, but the 20% of normal ones who respond right away look desperate.”

I don’t have a ton of insight into this, because I’ve been off the market for the last few years, but I wouldn’t overthink it too much. Some people text more than others. Some will play games, others won’t. Just be yourself. As long as you’re not texting her too often (never send more than two texts without hearing back), you’re fine. Unless you’re a good-looking wealthy celebrity, there will always be more women who aren’t interested in you. Don’t sweat it

FOOTBALL: After week 1 i was feeling great about my RB-early QB-late draft strat with Kaepernick and Vick, but both guys have fallen off pretty hard as of late. Add in the fact that my first 2 picks were Doug Martin and MJD and im absolutely thrilled to be 3-1 after playing the 4 highest scoring teams in the league to this point. However, going forward im obviously not so confident. I dont want to use the word ‘panic’, but if my QBs continue to struggle, at what point do i have to make a move? I cant get any value for either of my RBs at this point, so id be looking at moving a WR (Thomas(DEN), Wayne, Brown(PIT), Washington) for some QB or even RB help. Its only a 10 team league, so there is some value QBs on the waiver wire(Shaub, Manuel, Locker, Hoyer) though carrying 3 QBs may be kind of tough. Thoughts?
D’Squarius Green, Jr.

For starters, Vick should bounce back against the Giants this week, and in general the NFC East schedule should help him be a reliable start until he gets injured. As for Kap, I think he’ll continue to struggle for a few weeks until he has someone besides Anquan Boldin to throw to. But help is on the way: Mario Manningham is eligible to return after Week 6, Quinton Patton could return from a broken foot by Week 10, and Michael Crabtree is expected back by late November/early December (read: fantasy playoffs). Assuming Vernon Davis’s hamstring gets right and doesn’t become a nagging thing, Kaepernick should be a reliable option later in the season. You just need Vick to hold up that long.

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Dear KSK,
Fantasy: I’m in a standard 12-team ESPN league, with 1RB, THREE WR, and 1 Flex position (and both a defense and a defensive player, my league owner is kind of weird).

SUPER weird.

I’ve got Brees/Rivers at QB, Forte and McFadden as RBs, D. Thomas (Denver), DeSean Jackson and Eddie Royal as my starting WRs. I also have Miles Austin, Golden Tate and Justin Blackmon as bench WR and Coby Fleener as my Flex bench. I’ve been keeping the same starting line-up pretty consistently, but I’m worried about my 3rd WR (they’re all pretty mediocre), if I should start someone over McFadden at the flex if he’s banged up, and the Brees vs. Rivers conundrum.

There is no Brees versus Rivers conundrum. Start Brees every week. Trade Rivers for a solid WR to someone who needs a QB. In the meantime, I think Blackmon is a worthy 3rd WR, while you should consider starting Fleener over McFadden when the Colts play any team with an iffy linebacking corps — he’s become a much more useful tool in Pep Hamilton’s offense (and with Dwayne Allen’s injury).

Sex: I’m just out of college, and I’ve been with my girl for more than a year and a half. She’s in Philly, and I’m in DC, so we’re doing long distance and are trying to see each other 2-3x a month, and its been going pretty well. I’m planning on moving up there next year (after I save up some $ and get a job up there). We’ve been long distance before, but I was taking a year off at home and she was still at school. Anything ideas on how to keep things fresh and spontaneous and also keep the relationship going strong?
Best,
A-A-Ron

You’re young, horny, and idealistic: that should be enough to keep it fresh. If not, write back when you have an actual problem.

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Captain Neanderthal,
Fantasy: 3 questions.

What am I, a goddam genie? Fine. Go ahead.

First off, I wrote in last week about my trade where I gave up Doug Martin for Drew Brees and Julius Thomas. One Mike Glennon start later and I’m pretty happy with the way that turned out. However, after the publication of the mailbag I received another trade offer: I would receive CJ Spiller and give up Bilal Powell, Reggie Wayne, and Russell Wilson. With my WR spot being very deep (Demariyus Thomas, Randall Cobb, Eric Decker, DeAndre Hopkins) and no use for Wilson after acquiring Brees, I saw this as a chance to take a chance on CJ Spiller’s upside at the expense of (presumably) selling high on Bilal Powell. Since I have Matt Forte and Gio Bernard, I figured that even if Spiller doesn’t live up to his draft status it was worth taking a chance on his potential. How’d I do?

Two thumbs down. I’ll grant that you didn’t necessarily hurt your team thanks to your depth, but you gave up three valuable assets for a single asset that, right now, is a huge question mark. Even if Spiller turns it around — and, to be fair, he has typically played better in the latter half of the season — you still should have given up less to acquire him. That’s the whole point of “buying low,” you know? And the reverse is true with selling high on Powell — you’re not really getting a good deal on Powell’s present value if you also have to give up a team’s WR1 and a viable QB2.

Secondly, I’m 4-0 and going up against the other 4-0 team in the league this week. As such, every point counts. With that in mind, should I go with the Chiefs D against Ryan Pickspatrick and the Titans, or the Rams D against the five-alarm dumpster fire that is Blaine Gabbert and the Jags?

Chiefs. Talent + matchup > matchup alone

Finally, in my other fantasy league I am also 4-0, but my RB position is sparse this week. With Doug Martin on bye and Steven Jackson injured, I’m extremely thin there this week. One of my starters is going to be Bilal Powell, but for the other slot should I go with Andre Ellington vs. the Panthers, Bryce Brown at the Giants, or Willis McGahee vs. Buffalo? Pierre Thomas is also on the waiver wire.

Yeeeeeesh. I like Ellington to replace Mendenhall, but not against Carolina’s front seven with an extra week of rest. With McGahee, don’t trust any non-stud on a Thursday night. That leaves Brown, who finally got (kinda) substantial yardage last week, or Thomas, who is actually tempting with Henry Melton out of the Bears’ lineup. I’m tempted to say Brown because of the awful Giants’ D, but I have to favor the RB1 over the RB2. (And yes, Thomas is the RB1 over Darren Sproles. Sproles is clearly the favored offensive weapon out of the Saints’ backfield, but Thomas played more snaps last week and got 17 carries (to Sproles’ 9) and six targets.)

Sex: I’m having trouble initiating successful conversations with girls (college freshman). Any advice for good “moves”/etc that would hopefully end up with me sloppily making out with some drunk girl in the middle of a frat party? My only thought was maybe to drink less at the beginning of the parties in the future.
Thanks as always Captain,
Nate Burleson’s Pizza

We’re talking about 18-year-old girls here. I don’t want to besmirch the honor or beauty of 18-year-old girls, but in general they don’t have the most refined tastes (and good thing, too, or else they wouldn’t date guys in college). I’m often reminded of Brendan from the Frotcast, who played football at San Diego State, telling a story about how he worked really hard to be clever and engage girls with witty jokes, while his teammate just went up to a girl and said, “WHADDUP GIRL YOU TICKLISH?” while tickling her. Her response: “You’re funny!”

So.

This is not an operation that needs fine instruments. You don’t need to be suave or witty; you just need to be somewhat composed and gentlemanly by campus standards. Make eye contact. Smile. Do something nice, like help her get through a crowd of drunk people. Introduce yourself. And yes: as you noted, “be less drunk” is a good way to go, as well. My tactic while I was in college (once I became less of a train wreck) was to try to stay a drink or two behind everybody else. You can still get drunk, but by being less drunk than everyone around you, you can cast the illusion of having your shit together.