Last Week: 3-0
Last Week’s Stupid Ass Single-Game Parlay: Loss
About that… Hooray for the law of averages going my way. Pretend I didn’t recommend betting on favorite’s side of the world’s largest point spread for a minute, and that was a damn fine week. I don’t think it means anything, unless I do it again this week, in which case I SOLVED VEGAS. I’ll be like Wayne Allen Root without all of the crazy right wing bullsh*t.
Stupid Ass Single Game-Parlays Overall: 1-2
Stupid Ass Single-Game Parlay of the Week
Jacksonville Jaguars +9 and UNDER 45.5 vs. San Diego Chargers
The Jags are so hot right now. Did you see them not get blown out by Denver? Crazy!
Road Dog of the Week
Minnesota Vikings +3.5 at New York Giants
Adrian Peterson didn’t seem to “run angry” in the aftermath of his son’s death as some shitty fantasy writers thought he might. Maybe what he really need to get him going was Phil Mushnick’s patented racist click-baiting.
Other Road Dog of the Week
Cincinnati Bengals +3 at Detroit Lions
If Marvin Lewis and Jim Schwartz agreed to let AJ Green and Calvin Johnson play both ways this would be the best game ever. Instead, it’s the Bengals vs. the Lions. Though to be fair, that’s not nearly as awful a statement as it would have been in most other years.
Home Favorite of the Week
San Francisco 49ers -4.5 at Tennessee Titans
The Titans are 4-1-1 against the spread. They have won two out of three home games, coming against opponents with a combined record of 12-6. But they’re going to lose. And they probably won’t cover. The Titans have just enough to look good against other average teams (wins over the Jets and Chargers), but not enough to beat good teams (Seahawks and Chiefs). The 49ers will and cover, if only by a few scant points.
Home Dog of the Week
Indianapolis Colts +7 vs. Denver Broncos
Shit, I’ll take them straight up. Denver is so two weeks ago. How motivated could Peyton Manning possibly be? If I know anything about life, Jim Irsay is about to get some vindication. That guy deserves to be right.
Literal Dog of the Week
Say what you want about the Redskins, but dogs love their field.
Bonus dogs: OH MY GOD LOOK AT THESE GUYS.
Fantasy Matchup of the Week
Pro Tip of the Week
Try as I might, I’m probably not going to be able to help you make any money. However, I can offer tips that will help you out in other walks of life. It could be a recommendation on something to read, advice on lighting for your home, something useful I learned on the internet, or, more likely, something about food.
Lots of dogs hate those stupid Thunder Shirts, and they cost way too much money. If your dog is freaked out by a thunderstorm, a smoke alarm with a low battery or because he saw you having sexy, just wrap that fucker up tight in a light blanket or towel and give him a hug. AFTER you’re done having sex.
Send me an email if you would like to submit a Fantasy Matchup or a Pro Tip for future consideration.
I want more like this!
Follow Kissing Suzy Kolber on Facebook and get the latest NFL news and humor before everyone else.