Chris Long
Do you know who I am?

Last Week: 3-1
Last Week’s Stupid Ass Single-Game Parlay: Loss

About that… 6-1 in two weeks! This is the best run of luck I’ve had since that time I found an old pink Starburst in my pocket. And yet, no luck with these parlays. I’m obviously the first person to ever use those words in that order.

Stupid Ass Single Game-Parlays Overall: 1-3
Overall: 14-10-1

Onward, friends.

Stupid Ass Single-Game Parlay of the Week

Kansas City Chiefs -9 vs. Cleveland Browns, Under 39.5

How many people had to suck or get hurt before Jason Campbell could get a chance to suck or get hurt? Only two, but it felt like so many more. First it was Brandon Weeden, then Brian Hoyer, then I feel like Bernie Kosar snuck in a few series, then Weeden again. If Campbell doesn’t work out, then there’s always that guy who wears his Kelly Holcomb jersey to games.

Over/Under of the Week

Denver Broncos and Washington Redskins Over 58

Speaking of depressing depth charts, let’s talk about Jason Campbell’s old team. Brandon Meriweather was finally suspended, Reed Doughty is coming off of a concussion, Phillip Thomas went down before his rookie season could begin and Tanard Jackson only exists in the THC fueled fantasies of Redskins fans who went to IAC schools.

Road Dog of the Week

New York Jets +7 at Cincinnati Bengals

It’s the Mike Nugent Revenge Bowl. That’s what everyone is calling it, right? He must be really sore about being drafted in the second round, then being let go when he couldn’t kick the ball straight. Vengeance will be his! But…four of Cincinnatti’s five wins have been by a single score. Meanwhile, all the Jets have done is play better than anyone expected. Last minute Nugent heroics for the win (™ Gannett Company, all rights reserved).

Road Favorite of the Week

Seattle Seahawks -11 at St. Louis Rams

So is Chris Long (he’s the bro pictured above) really St. Louis’ most recognizable player with Sam Bradford injured? Trick question, because nobody cares enough to think about it for more than three seconds.

Other Road Favorite of the Week

Pittsburgh Steelers -3 vs. Oakland Raiders

I was all set to go the other way, but no. Just no. No more believing in Oakland. Their offensive line is a disaster, and the Steelers are finally playing well enough to do something about it. Oh, and the Raiders haven’t won the game following their bye week in 11 years. The only possible explanation for that kind of sustained streak is that the Raiders are stupid.

Literal Dog of the Week

bulldog tongue nap
Via

That tongue has seen some dark dark places.

Fantasy Matchup of the Week

sex grossman

No good matchup submissions this week, so we settle for a standalone team name. This simple yet timeless name comes via avowed Canadian, Bruce Arthur.

Pro Tip of the Week

Try as I might, I’m probably not going to be able to help you make any money. However, I can offer tips that will help you out in other walks of life. It could be a recommendation on something to read, advice on lighting for your home, something useful I learned on the internet, or, more likely, something about food.

Looking for porn on the internet? Of course you are. There is no shortage of ways to do this, but one handy all-in-one option is Bing. You know Bing. It’s that thing Microsoft won’t shut up about. No, not the Surface. The other thing Microsoft loves talking about. The search engine. Bing’s video search just happens to pull videos from all sorts of porn sites (only if your safe search is off), and it all plays through the Bing video player. That’s good one stop shopping.

Submitted by an anonymous enthusiast.

Send me an email if you would like to submit a Fantasy Matchup or a Pro Tip for future consideration.