Randy Domres
This is not a Halloween costume.

Last Week: 2-1
Last Week’s Stupid Ass Single-Game Parlay: Loss

About that… OK, so maybe those Denver and the over parlays aren’t the answer to the US economy. Is there some way we can monetize Eli Manning interceptions? Maybe we could start a fake charity with his name attached. First priority: Get a catchy jingle, a la Kars for Kids. 1-800 PICKS-4-ELI.

Stupid Ass Single Game-Parlays Overall: 1-1
Overall: 8-9-1

Onward, friends.

Stupid Ass Single-Game Parlay of the Week

Denver -27 and over 53.5

Fuck yeah! I don’t even care. Make them BOTH 53.5. Give Denver something to shoot for after that bullshit push against Dallas.

Road Dog of the Week

Pittsburgh Steelers +3 at New York Jets

That’ll be enough proving everyone wrong, Jets. Now go out there and be bad so that we can laugh at your foibles. I’d also like to bet the OVER on number of times the Jets defensive line is compared to the old lines of the Steelers.

Home Favorite of the Week

San Francisco 49ers -9 vs. Arizona Cardinals

Carson Palmer’s touchdown-to-interception ratio takes on one of the league’s best pass defenses. Five percent of Palmer’s throws have resulted in the other team’s possession. He could find himself in Eli-territory after this week.

Home Dog of the Week

Buffalo Bills +7 vs. Cincinnati Bengals.

Thad Lewis? Thad Lewis. I have no idea who Thad Lewis is. He went to Duke, so that explains the name. Or, more correctly, he’s named Thad, which explains his college choice.

Literal Dog of the Week

down lineman

Lucy could immediately improve Pittsburgh’s pass rush.

Fantasy Matchup of the Week

fantasy matchup

This one from @jblake33 is included less for the names, and more because people do this? All defense fantasy leagues? This seems like a very baseball fan thing to do.

Pro Tip of the Week

Try as I might, I’m probably not going to be able to help you make any money. However, I can offer tips that will help you out in other walks of life. It could be a recommendation on something to read, advice on lighting for your home, something useful I learned on the internet, or, more likely, something about food.

It’s fall, which means cold, which means FIRE. Gas fireplaces don’t count. A proper fire should effectively undo all of your green initiatives. The best way to start a fire is not with a light switch, it’s with one of these Firestones. OK, that’s not entirely true. The best way to start a fire is with a giant MAPP torch, but that’s impractical, and won’t look nice sitting on your hearth.

Send me an email if you would like to submit a Fantasy Matchup or a Pro Tip for future consideration.