Last Week: 1-1-1
Stupid Ass Single-Game Parlay: 1-0 (!)
About that… A winning week! And all it took was a stupid ass parlay. I should try that more often. Hell, Congress could have funded the government by betting on Denver to destroy the Eagles at home. All they needed was the balls to do it, and somebody to take their action. One phone call to China is all it would have taken, Obama. Not to be racist but they love to gamble and they are dying to eat Bo.
Now if only I had a Matt Schaub jersey to burn in retaliation for that one push…
Stupid Ass Single-Game Parlay of the Week
Denver -7 and OVER 56.5
That was fun, so let’s do it again. Denver is still unstoppable, still playing a terrible NFC East team and still without Champ Bailey and Von Miller. POINTS! LOTS OF ‘EM.
Road Favorite of the Week
Kansas City Chiefs -2.5 vs. Tennessee Titans
The Chiefs are off to a great start that will eventually come to an end. Some other week. When they aren’t playing against Ryan Fitzpatrick. People remember how bad he is, right? If not, we get a fun reminder in the form of unnecessary sacks and at least one devastating interception.
Road Dog of the Week
Jacksonville Jaguars +12 vs. St. Louis Rams
The Jags are a disaster. They just traded one of their best players, but now they’re getting their actual best player back. Justin Blackmon was unstoppable down the stretch last year. His presence opposite Cecil Shorts should give them enough to hang around with St. Louis, who are pretty fucking miserable in their own right.
Home Dog of the Week
Indianapolis Colts +3 vs. Seattle Seahawks
You Seahawk fuckers. You bullshitted your way to a road win last week, but no more. Andrew Luck is not Matt Schaub, even if he talks the way Schaub looks.
Literal Dog of the Week
I have an inexplicable urge to tell this dog a story.
Fantasy Matchup of the Week
These two team names feel like they belong together. After all, what would you serve after a Juggalo baby funeral?
Pro Tip of the Week
Try as I might, I’m probably not going to be able to help you make any money. However, I can offer tips that will help you out in other walks of life. It could be a recommendation on something to read, advice on lighting for your home, something useful I learned on the internet, or, more likely, something about food.
To answer no one’s question, no, I will not be bringing Top Chef recaps back to this space. If you miss them, and I know you do, you can head over to Uproxx to check them out every Thursday until they run out of chefs or I die.
That’s not really a tip as much as it is self-promotion, so how about this? People think that mixing ice cream with flour is a super clever way to make bread. What it really is is a waste of perfectly good ice cream that you could have eaten out of the carton like a normal fat person.
Hmm…that’s really more of an opinion than a tip. Oh well, fuck it. I’m going to go eat some ice cream.
Send me an email if you would like to submit a Fantasy Matchup or a Pro Tip for future consideration.
I want more like this!
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