Prior to the 2031 season, the NFL finally eliminates contact from the game, and the league becomes a shadow of its former self. These are the chronicles of that period.

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The Omnipresent Floating Head of Shannon Sharpe: Kazziza! Welcome back to this week’s coverage of the National Football League! I’m your host Shannon Sharpe’s head. Head-preservation brine brought to you by Raid. “Raid: Kills cats dead!” Let’s get this fucking party started!!! Remember, you can eliminate profanity by blinking at the “SAP” button using your Yahoo implant. Let’s get to the highlights!

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Sharpe Head: The Nova Scotia Patriots downed the Japanese Zeroes 23-1 on Thursday. It’s the first time the Patriots haven’t allowed a touchdown since relocating to Canada after the great power grid meltdown during the Tatum administration. With a win next week at Des Moines, the Patriots can wrap up the Microsoft division for the first time since Bob Kraft passed away in that unfortunate sex and Botox boat party accident.

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Sharpe Headroom: The Washington Jailbait downed the Las Vegas Luxurious Trumps 47-20 in the early game. Jailbait coach, Brick Mohammad said he feels no remorse about cutting female kicker, Jeanette Rugland, who grew to fame via her popular comments in comment sections.

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Mohammad: Well, since the league completely eliminated the kicking game, we don’t really have room for her on the squad. If we were to keep a kicker while other teams didn’t, we’d be at a strong disadvantage. Also, just wanna remind all our viewers to vote for me this week in Coach Off! I think I’ve earned this position with Washington. I believe we’re making excellent headway, and I will be making my case live on Tuesday for why I shouldn’t be voted out.

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Sharpe Noggin: Figurehead commissioners Laura and Loni Abdallah spoke this morning on the rising popularity of the upstart PCFL league.

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Laura and Loni (in unison): Even though we hold no real power over the NFL and are just hologram projections who relay the correlated scores of online voters, we have been asked by your governing body to warn you precious fans about the Post Concussion Football League; a league comprised of former athletes of the full contact era. There is a real danger of death on the field during any play, as was seen last week when running back DeDeDeJuan Khatib climbed up the goalpost after scoring and jumped to his death. Those who had logged on to the proceedings claim he was heard to exclaim, “SEE YOU IN HELL, TAWFIQ SUH!” right before his jump. Legendary defender Tawfiq Suh was shortly put to trial by the United States government via Soundcloud Pro, and will be serving a starvation penalty for the next week. Let us assure you that we’ve done our algorithmic calculations and we predict that at least 60.99363 of you will grow tired of this new league within one solar cycle. Please enjoy the rest of this week’s NFL action, and don’t forget that only service ensures citizenship.

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Sharpe-like Mass of Gray Matter: Thanks for joining us on the CNNBCBS halftime show. We’ll return you now to the second half of the London Loyalists and the Jacksonville Chevrolet Volts. Stay tuned after the game for 60 Minutes, except on where the west coast used to be. Tonight on 60 Minutes: Daniel Tosh interviews president Frances Bean Cobain on her proposed treaty with the Chinese Territories of Russia and her recent leaked lesbian cyborg tape.